Kingdom Farce
by Wolf McCloud-123
Summary: Farce n. A comedy based on unlikely situations and exaggerated effects. I'm not saying this is like that, but... whatev. The only KH parody that wasn't written by a fangirl.
1. Huh?

**Kingdom Farce**

A/N: Hey! Hey you! Yeah, you. Are you ready for a fic that's gonna BLOW YOUR MIND? Well you already know that answer and that's 'this isn't it'. This fanfic is filled with my own lame brand of humor, typical parody crap, and lots of other stuff that's typical of a fourteen-year-old girl to write about. You know. One who's not a fangirl. What? There's nobody like that anymore? Oh sorry. I guess I forgot.

!WARNING! The entire fanfic is not complete! I have about half of it written, and the rest is STILL floating around in my head. Like floaty stuff. Also, everybody is an idiot. That right! Even when you think they're smart, they're actually not! And this author's note is so long because it's going to be the ONLY one until the very end of the fic. So yeah.

Along with friendly reviews, I would also like criticism! Because that way, I know people are actually reading and not looking at it to see if I'll randomly put a 'bishounen' in it. Gosh. That would be rather silly of me!

And there's probably all sorts of context and spelling errors. Ah well, try to ignore those. But if you can't, just point them out so you can complain about something!

AND FINALLY, chapters will be released every Tuesday (I'll try to do that, anyway.) starting... now.

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_Tired of all the crappy fanfics being produced right now in the KH section, the author writes something so immensley stupid and uncreative that perhaps she will inspire others to do the same._

_In other words... she's writing a parody to Kingdom Hearts. Well, that's only been done a few-dozen times before, right? Hoho, yes indeedy._

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"_I've been having all these weird thoughts lately..._," thought/said Haley Joel Osment, aka Sora as he... fell. "_Like, is any of this for real... or not?_"

So Sora went about falling as if it wasn't a big deal, using up all of his air being dramatic and eventually sinking down so low into the ocean (yes, he was falling into the ocean, which is odd for he should have floated upwards after a few seconds) that the pressure would've made his brain explode inside of his skull before the bones caved in.

LUCKILY, none of that happened, as in a bright flash of light, he was standing on the beach. He shielded his eyes from the sun just as he spotted his bestest buddy in the whole wide world standing in the ocean, getting sand and water in his chaps. Haha, chaps. Sora smiled like a dumb-nut, then Riku turned around and held his hand out.

"I don't swing that way, sorry," Sora said.

"Just take my hand, fool!" spat Riku as a wave gobbled them both up and started to digest them. "Dammit, Sora!"

"Ooooh, you said a naughty word," giggled Sora as they were underwater. "I'm gonna tell your mom!"

"Wait no!" screamed Riku, but it was too late as Sora had been swept off, laughing about Riku's misfortune. I laugh too, Sora, I laugh too.

JUST as Sora thought he was going to drown (again, perhaps?), he stood up and shook the water off of him like a dog, then noticed his female friend Kairi standing on the beach.

"Sora!" she called, smiling widely. Then she waved like a knave.

Sora smiled and ran over to her, getting water on her.

"Ugh! My clothes I wear every day!" she gasped, looking down at her now-wet wardrobe. "Sora how could you?"

"Aww, you can't stay mad at me," Sora chuckled, smiling.

Kairi considered this, then smiled, too. "You're absolutely right!" Something in the sky caught her eye, however, and she looked up.

Sora turned around and looked into the sky as well, nearly blinding himself by looking directly into the sun. "Oh, hey! That mysterious falling figure looks suspiciously like me. Who'd have thunk?"

"Not me," giggled Kairi.

But by looking at himself falling, Sora created a freak paradox and started falling himself! Out of the sky which was the ground no less, and then into the sea. Then he started this whole thing over again.

Not really.

Instead, as Kairi and Sora called out to each other in despair and reached to each other, Sora fell into the sea and started sinking like the Mafia attached a rock to his ankles. Only he was going head-first.

Finally after like, thirty more seconds, he landed on a weird platform thingy-doodle and looked around. Nothing but complete darkness (although there was a faint green glow, since this was the sea and all... or WAS IT?), until he stepped forward and a bunch of doves flew up out of the ground (wtf) and flocked away whilst uncovering a large stained-glass portrait of Snow White and her Seven Dwarf Friends.

"_So much to do, so little time_," said Mysterious Voice, aka... BOB. "_Take your time. Don't be afraid. The door is still shut. Now, step forward. Can you do it?_"

"Door? Time? What are you talking about?" Sora asked, looking around. But while doing so he took another step forward and Bob directed him once more:

"_If you give it form..._" continued Bob as three pedestals appeared--one with a shield, one with a sword, and one with a staff--in the middle of the platform, "_It will give you strength. Choose well._"

Of course every fourteen-year-old wants power, so he chose the sword.

"_The power of the warrior. Invincible courage. A sword of--_"

"Look, I'm fourteen, my attention span is shorter than that of a small rodent's," Sora said, impatient. "So if you're just going to babble please do it while I'm not trying to do stuff, okay?"

"_Fine then, you shall give up the power of the mage so nyah_," said Bob.

"Pfft, everybody knows mages are the weakest things ever," Sora said as if he knew.

"_Yes, but your magic stats will be horrible later on,_" Bob pointed out, "_that and you'll have to pretty much rely on a mage to heal your sorry ass every time you almost die._"

"What about potions?"

"_Oooh, potions, yeah those'll be useful when the terrible creatures of death and destruction are feasting on your innards_. _At least mages can cast Life and AutoLife._"

Sora narrowed his eyes. "You've won this time, Mysterious Voice nobody but I can hear! But you'll get yours yet!" He shook a fist in anger at Bob as the staff disappeared from the adjacent pedestal and suddenly all three collapsed in upon themselves and the Snow White platform shattered into a million pieces. Somehow Sora wasn't hit by any of these and he avoided a horribly bloody and painful death. Yay! As he fell yet again, he landed on a Cinderella platform.

"_You've gained the power to fight_," said Bob. "_Give it a try._"

Sora swung the sword, almost chopping his own head off.

"_All right! You've got it,_" said Bob. "_Use this power to protect yourself and others._"

Suddenly, a group of buggy-type things appeared, all pitch black with glowing yellow eyes. Sora reeled back, disgusted.

"EEEEEW what're those?"

"_There will be times when you have to fight,_" Bob rambled, completely ignoring Sora. "_Keep your light burning strong._"

Sora killed one dead, and as it exploded into life-regenerating green balls of health, the others disappeared like wimps. The boy looked around like a fool child, only to have Bob cry, "_Behind you!_" and have the buggy-type things gang up on him. As Sora killed them all mercilessly, he was sucked up by a vortex.

When he woke up, he was on another platform. Only this one didn't have any select princess on it. Ho-hum.

A large, intricately-designed door was just sitting in the middle of the platform, being a door. Sora approached it, then tugged on the handles.

_I can't open it,_ he thought. Then something made him look to the side, where there was a treasure chest. His eyes lit up, and he ran over to it, tapping it with the sword. Somehow it opened, but nothing came out. "Darn it!"

But as he turned back around he noticed a large crate, which Bob instructed him to push. After doing that he got bored and decided to kill it, subsequently gaining a splinter and almost sending a large piece of wood through his heart. Then a barrel was beamed down by Scotty and Sora picked it up like a fool child and carried it around until he got bored again and threw it away.

So he went back to the door, only to find that it had opened. And as he entered the light, Bob told him this:

"_Hold on. The door won't open just yet. First, tell me more about yourself._"

In a bright flash of light, Sora was on his island home. Not really. It was just an island not-too-far from his _real_ island home.

For some reason Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie were standing/sitting in various places.

He walked up to Tidus first.

"What are you so afraid of?" asked Tidus.

"Getting old," said Sora bitterly, remembering how his grandfather had beat him so when he'd thought Sora was a thief trying to sneak into his house when he'd only come over to help his grandmother bake cookies. But those were memories long past. He just had to let go.

Then he walked up to Wakka.

"What do you want outta life?" asked Wakka.

"To see rare sights," Sora said, thinking fondly of Niagara Falls and Ol' Faithful. "Oh, wait... wrong world."

Lastly, he walked up to Selphie.

"What's most important to you?" asked she.

"Being number one," Sora said, putting his hands on his hips like a sissy girl. Or Riku, whatever. They're kind of interchangeable.

"_You're afraid of getting old. You want to see rare sights. You want to be number one. Your adventure begins at dawn. As long as the sun is shining, your journey should be a pleasant one._"

"Don't repeat what I just found out," Sora said. "It's anno--OOOH, what's that?" He ambled over to the growing pit of darkness, until he was consumed by it and blacked out.

"_The day you will open the door is both far off and very near_," said Bob as though nothing just happened.

Sora woke up on a stained-glass portrait of Aurora aka Sleeping Beauty which hardly anybody has heard of. That was a good movie, too... and a fun fairy tale.

Well anyway, Sora walked up to the mysterious beam of light that was descending from the sky and, as he did so, a group of those buggy-type things appeared out of nowhere. Even though they outnumbered him by eight-to-one, they were laughably weak. Haha, see I'm laughing at them because they're so weak. Anyway, he was explained to about what a Save Point was, saved his game (wtf), then ran up a diagonal set of stained-glass platforms, all the way up to a picture of Beauty and the Beast. Aka Belle and the Prince Who Has Yet to be Named. Probably Pierre or something French.

"Ooooh, pretty light," said Sora, walking toward the bright light in the middle of the platform.

"_The closer you get to light, the greater your shadow becomes_," said Bob out of nowhere. Sora looked behind him, only to see that Bob's words were true and his shadow was slowly becoming some kind of monstrosity. "_But don't be afraid. And don't forget..._"

Sora ran towards the end of the platform, but alas, there was nothing but oblivion below and therefore he could not escape his inevitable doom. Luckily he was able to beat the monster by some sort of freak stroke of luck (thus the luckily up there). Unluckily he was sucked into another vortex in the ground.

"Will this never end?" he asked God, but God frowned upon him and did not answer. Instead, the angelic choir began to get louder as the drama increased.

"_But don't be afraid. You hold the mightiest weapon of all._"

"Curse you voooooooiiiiice!"

"_So don't forget: You are the one who will open the door._"

Then everything went dark.

Then everything went undark as Sora woke up, rubbed his eyes of sleep, and yawned, looking at the ocean in front of him. Deciding that it was too peaceful to be awake, he ignored the sand in his pants and dropped back down onto his back, only to be scared by the fact that his aforementioned female friend was looming over him like a... like a... looming... thing... yeah.

"Whoa!" he said, nearly jumping out of his little red jumpsuit. Kairi just giggled at him. "Gimme a break, Kairi..."

"Sora, you lazy bum," said Kairi, "I knew I'd find you snoozing down here."

Sora gasped, his eyes wide. "Get out of my mind!" he said, hitting his head against the sandy shore.

Kairi took a step back. "Whoa, whoa, Sora! I'm not in your mind," she said. "I just figured you'd be here because this is where you usually come on weekends..."

"So it wasn't some weird mutant mind-reading power?"

"Nah. Something more like... 'woman's intuition'," Kairi said, giggling again. "Anyway, why did you seem so spooked when I came here?"

"Oh, I can't BEGIN to explain!" Sora said, waving his arms in the air. "There was this big..." He trailed off. "Oh! Nope, it's gone."

"Are you still dreaming?" Kairi asked, giving him a weird look.

"No," said Sora, pouting. "Or... was I? I don't know... I'm so confused..."

"You're probably just tired, sleepy-head," Kairi giggled.

"Say, Kairi, what was your hometown like?" Sora asked out of the blue. I mean, really, that was way out there. "You know, where you grew up."

"How many times do I have to tell you, Sora?" the girl said, looking at the clear blue ocean. "I don't remember."

"...Nothing?" Sora tried.

"Nothing," Kairi said, smiling for some reason. "But I'm happy here. I don't think I'd want to go back unless I could, but that would be out of curiosity more than anything really..."

"Sounds fun!" Sora said. "When we get off this island, we'll have to go see it."

"Well then what are we waiting for?" Kairi said, turning around with a big smile on her face.

"Hey, aren't you forgetting about me?" asked Riku.

"No," Sora said like a smart-aleck, crossing his arms.

Riku chose to ignore that and walked over to the two, tossing a log at Sora and missing the younger boy's head by mere inches. Kairi laughed at Sora's misfortune.

"Don't tell me I'm the only one working on the raft..." he said. "So Kairi, you're just as lazy as he is."

"So you noticed," Kairi said. "Okay, we'll finish it together!" Just as Riku sat down and both he and Sora looked unenthusiastic, she said, "I'll race you."

"I just woke up," Sora said quickly.

"And I'm tired from doing all the manual labor," said Riku. "(coughlazyassfoolscough)"

"What was that?" Sora asked, looking confused.

"Oh... nothing..."

"Ready? GO!" Kairi said regardless, pointing foreward.

Riku and Sora glanced at each other before both leapt up and ran as hard as they could, both looking ready to kill. Kairi trailed behind, giggling and having the time of her life.

_**Kingdom Farce**_

"So, can you gather the rest of the supplies?" Kairi asked Sora, who were both standing in front of a door to another part of the island. She noticed he was looking blankly at something, so she gave him a suspicious look and asked, "Are you even listening to me?"

Sora looked at Kairi's face with a start. "Yes! Yes I did," he said, "I wasn't looking at your boobs."

"Okay," Kairi said, totally buying it. "Go find two logs, a cloth, and a rope. Bring everything back here when you're done. You got all that? Just ask me again if you have trouble remembering."

As she said this, Sora started swinging his wooden sword at a butterfly that was flying nearby. She sighed, shaking her head in disappointment.

Sora then went on his merry way to go and have a fun-good time on the island. Oh right.

_Destiny Islands_

Sora then went on his merry way to go and have a fun-good time on the island. First he decided to talk with his other buddies, Selphie, Tidus, and Wakka.

"Isn't the sea _romantic_?" Selphie sighed, tilting her head slightly as she gazed at the horizon. "It would be so nice to be on a boat in the evening..."

Sora stared at her for a moment, then shrugged and ran off to go talk to Tidus. But before he actually talked to Tidus, he noticed a rope coiled up nearby, and decided to pick it up and shoved it in his pocket should he need it later.

_Then_ he talked with Tidus: "You feeling lucky today?" asked Tidus, randomly swinging a big stick around.

Sora, oblivious to the other boy, romped off to fight with that butterfly from earlier that had now been bothering him for the last five minutes. While he was passing by a large, hollowed-out tree, he found a cloth hanging from the wall at random. He then pulled out the list that had been imprinted in his memory, despite his selective hearing:

"What would Kairi need with a set of spoons?" Sora asked himself, confused. He scratched his head. "Or a new pair of shoes? Or was that Mom? Eeeeh, whatever." So he shrugged and continued on his way, and happened to come across...

"Hello, Sora... mon," said Wakka. "Good tidings to you, ya?"

"Don't talk to me, lame-wad," Sora scoffed, walking past and picking up a log. Then he gave Wakka a glare for good measure, pointed is nose into the air, and stomped off.

He dropped it all off at Kairi's feet (including the spoons and a pair of shoes, which he'd stolen from Selphie). "Here it is, Kairi!"

Kairi looked it over briefly, a finger to her chin. "Ummm... I think you forgot a log," she said. "And why do you have a whole box of spoons? What? 'Highwind'?"

_Meanwhile..._

Kain, Richard, and Cid all sat down to a breakfast of oatmeal.

Kain lifted up the table mats, then looked around the room. "Wherever are the spoons?"

"Beats me," said Cid, shrugging.

"Oh yeah, that kid with the hair came in earlier and took them," Richard said.

Kain sighed. "And when were you going to tell me _this_?"

"I have a life of my own, you know!" Richard promptly stomped off.

_Un-meanwhile..._

"Well it _is_ what you wanted me to get, right?" Sora said.

"...Sora. Listen to me. I never told you to get spoons. Or ones belonging to the Highwinds, definitely not."

"Well I'm not taking them back now."

"...Are those Selphie's shoes?"

"Does it matter?"

"And you're missing a log, too," Kairi said, putting her hands behind her back. "I think Riku stole the one he gave to you earlier out of spite and bitterness towards you."

"I imagine he _did_," said Sora, his eyes narrowed.

"So could you go get it for the raft?"

"Of course!" With that, Sora ran off to go retrieve the log from his buddy. "Hey, Riku, can you lend a log?"

"Can I?" Riku asked, trying to act mysterious.

Sora was silent.

Riku was silent.

"...Yes," said the younger boy after he was silent.

"It's right there. Nobody's stopping you from just taking it," Riku said.

Sora was silent.

Riku was silent.

Sora was silent.

"Are you going to take it?"

"I'll take it when I'm good and ready to."

"All right."

"Okay."

"Fine."

"Fine..."

"Have it your way."

"I will." Sora took the log, walking off.

Riku stared after him.

"I got the log, Kairi!" said Sora, noticing that Selphie was angrily stomping away with her shoes in hand. "Anything else?"

"Nah, not today," Kairi said, yawning. "You sure did a lot of hard work, Sora. Want to call it a day?"

"And who are you to ask me this?" Sora said, crossing his arms.

"I'm just _asking_," said the girl. "Lighten up, Sora."

"Well let me tell you--" started Sora, but he was interrupted as he yawned. "--I don't get tired just from a long day of back-breaking labor. But it is getting late..."

_A few minutes later..._

Sora and Kairi sat on that bended tree and Riku leaned against it, the three of them looking off into the sunset.

"So, Kairi's home is out there somewhere..." Sora said. "Right?"

"It could be," said Riku. "We'll never know until we look."

"But how far could a raft take us?"

"What kind of a question is that?" Riku asked, looking annoyed. "Do you think I could possibly know the answer to that?"

"It _was_ your idea, Riku," Kairi reminded him.

"Kairi holds a good point," Sora said, looking thoughtful.

"Well do you guys have any better ideas?" Riku said. When they didn't answer, he said, "That's what I thought. My superior fifteen-year-old brain has come up with a solution to our isolation problem that you two could never have possibly thought of."

The trio was silent.

"I resent that," Sora said, sounding bitter.

The trio was silent again.

"But suppose there are other worlds out there," Riku said, quickly changing the subject. "I mean, how come we ended up on this island? The way I see it, we could've just as easily ended up somewhere else in the universe."

"You've been thinking a lot lately, haven't you?" sayeth Kairi.

"Thanks to you," Riku said, obviously coming on to her. "If you hadn't shown up here, I never would've started making my brain do the words with the pictures in my head."

"Think?"

"Yeah, that."

Sora yawned loudly. "WELL, I think we should be getting home, right guys?"

Riku narrowed his eyes at him.

"Good idea, Sora," said Kairi. "We'll need to get plenty of rest for the next few days if we're going to be awake enough not to get eaten by sharks!" With that, she and Sora hopped off the tree, Riku following shortly.

"Hey Sora!" Riku called. Sora turned around, just as a paopu fruit was going to decapitate him.

"Whoa!" yelped Sora. "A paopu fruit?"

"You said you wanted one," Riku said, walking up to him. "If two people share one, their destinies become intertwined. They'll remain a part of each others lives, no matter what. C'mon, I know you want to try it."

"Dude, _I already told you:_ I don't swing that way!"

"...What?"

"Oh wait, that was in my dream," Sora said quietly.

Riku stared at him for a moment, then shook his head and walked off. Sora glanced back at the paopu fruit then dropped it like a hot potato and ran to catch up with his friends.

_Meanwhile..._

Donald Duck walked through the majestic, marble hallway, stopping at a rather large door. He cleared his throat, then walked through a Donald Duck-sized door that seemed to just pop out of the larger one.

He drew himself up, looking proud. "Good morning, Your Majesty!" he said in greeting. "It's nice to see you this fine mor..." He opened his eyes, noticing that his little king was not on his big throne. His eyes bugged out. "WHAT?"

Pluto suddenly came out from behind the throne, holding a letter with a wax seal shaped like Mickey's head. The shameless little jerk.

Donald took the letter and started reading. He looked up, gagging, then read it again.

The pleasant and quiet hall outside was suddenly turned into a chaotic mess as Donald, screaming, ran through, making several brooms tumble over the sides of the railings and to their dooms below.

Goofy was enjoying the peace--it was in the morning that Donald bothered him the least. However, that was not the case today for he was suddenly zapped awake by about 10,000 volts of electricity sent through his body. Since he was a cartoon character, all he felt was a little sting, but it was enough to wake him up.

"YOW!" he yelped, sitting up quickly.

Donald looked ready to kill. He held his staff in one hand, and a wadded-up ball of paper in his other. He was panting like a lunatic, a dangerous glint in his eyes.

"G'mornin', Donald!" said Goofy cheerfully, waving as though nothing had happened.

"DON'T YOU 'G'MORNIN'' ME, MISTER!" Donald yelled, throwing down his staff and stomping it into the ground. "We've got serious business afoot! And it's so serious that we can't tell ANYBODY about it!"

Goofy blinked. "Queen Minnie?"

"No, not the queen, you big palooka," said Donald, the author embarrassed that she had to resort to _that_ kind of insult. "I said it's _so serious_ that we can't tell _anybody_."

"Daisy?"

"DEFINITELY not Daisy!" Donald said, starting to feel light-headed from the stress. "Must I repeat myself more than twice?"

"G'mornin', ladies!" Goofy said, smiling and waving again.

Donald stopped breathing and nearly suffered a heart attack as he turned around, seeing that Queen Minnie and his girlfriend Daisy were standing there.

"You can't tell us what?" Minnie asked, blinking as Daisy put her hands on her hips authoritatively.

Donald tugged on his collar nervously.

_Meanwhile..._

Sora walked into the cove of the island, and spotted Riku not too far away.

"Hey, Sora, does 'Highwind' sound good for the name of the raft?" Riku asked as if he cared about Sora's opinion.

"Naw, I think 'S.S. Winno' would be better," said Sora, scoffing at the prospect of naming a ship 'Highwind'. Who would do such a thing?

"...I don't think so."

"Well I do so nyah!" Sora said.

"Are you lookin' for a fight?"

"MAYBE."

"Then let's take this outside!"

"We ARE outside!"

"Are you two at it again?" Kairi asked, giggling and walking up to them. "All right, I'll be the judge. The usual rules apply: Take any route you want. The first one to tag that tree and make it back wins!"

"If I win, I get to be captain," said Sora, being greedy. "And, if you win..."

"Then I get to share a paopu fruit with Kairi," Riku finished his sentence for him, albeit making the younger boy look distressed.

"Wait, what?" he said in a high-pitched voice.

"You heard me. The winner gets to share a paopu fruit with Kairi."

"Oh, you two," giggled Kairi, looking at her shoes and smiling. "Okay. On my mark..."

"GO!"

Sora and Riku bolted off, running towards a tower. At the last second, Sora ran to his right, as Riku climbed up the ladder to the top of the tower.

"Yoink!" Sora said, laughing as Riku shook his fist in anger at Sora.

"I'll get you yet, Sora!"

So the race continued and eventually neither won.

"What? Hey, that's no fair!" said Sora.

"Well I guess you two will just have to share the paopu fruit yourselves," Kairi said, shrugging. "I couldn't possibly choose between the two of you. Besides, you two want to be friends forever, right?"

Riku and Sora looked each other over, then looked away, groaning and looking disgusted.

Kairi walked back to the raft, and Sora approached.

"Today we collect provisions for our trip," Kairi said, smiling widely. "And guess who has to collect them...?" she said in a sing-song voice.

"...Me?" Sora guessed.

"Yes! Well today you're looking for one seagull egg, three mushrooms, two coconuts, and three fish. And fill this up with some water--but not from the ocean, lest you want us to be poisoned."

She handed him a canteen.

He looked at it, then looked at her. "And you think this will sustain us for, oh, two-to-three weeks?"

"Or however long we're traveling," Kairi said, shrugging. "Don't ask me, it was Riku's idea."

"_Riku..._" growled Sora, his eyes narrowed again. He brightened up immediately. "Well I'll be back in a while!"

So he got everything he needed, until he found out that he was one mushroom short of three. Oh hey...

"Wakka, do you have any enlightenments for me on this fine morn?"

"Ummm... Hey, today Tidus and I are going to the Secret Place, ya?" said Wakka. "Don't look too hard at the drawings, though, they'll give away the game. And there's all kinds of fungus growing in the corners, ya?"

"You are a godsend," sighed Sora, walking off to the Secret Place's entrance and crawling through. He ran to the end of the small cave, where a mysterious door was (wtf), and found a mushroom just sitting there.

Then he spotted a picture he'd drawn some years before, and he had a flashback:

Little Sora and Little Kairi were sitting on their knees in the Secret Place, both drawing on the wall. When they were finished, they looked at each others' 'master-pieces'. Kairi's looked very similar to how Sora looked, but Sora's wasn't that... good.

"Is that supposed to be me?" asked Kairi, giggling.

"Hey, hey, I don't have the best talents, but at least it's not conceited like Riku's," Sora said, pointing at the rock on the opposite side of the cave that had Riku's face on it. It was a rather large drawing...

"True..."

So now Sora sat, drawing on the wall once more. He looked at his work: He'd drawn some kind of line connected to a star-shaped thing. Oh, wait, it's an arm, that's right.

As he turned around, he noticed the faint outline of a man in a black cloak standing there. "Who are you?" he asked, surprised.

"I've come to see this world," said the man.

"Huh?"

"This world has been connected."

"Huh?"

"Tied to the darkness...soon to be completely eclipsed."

"Huh?"

"You do not yet know what lies beyond the door."

"Huh?"

"There is so much to learn. You understand so little."

"Huh?"

"A meaningless effort. One who knows nothing can understand nothing."

"...HUH?" Sora looked to the door, then to the man. BUT HE WAS GONE. "That was weird." He stood there for a minute before shrugging and skipping off.

_A few minutes later..._

"Watcha makin' Kairi?" Sora asked, looking at the half-completed ring of seashells.

"This?" she asked, looking at it thoughtfully. "I'm making a necklace of thalassa shells. In the old days, sailors always wore thalassa shells. They were supposed to ensure a safe voyage." She tucked the necklace away in some pocket somewhere.

"That was a neat little fun-fact," Sora commented.

"Yeah... Well anyway, did you get everything we needed?" Sora dumped the provisions at her feet. "Thanks! So d'you think we should go back home now?"

"It's like... noon," Sora said.

_A few minutes later..._

Sora and Kairi were sitting on a dock together, both silhouetted by the sunset.

Kairi, looking at her feet dangling off the edge, thoughtfully said, "You know, Riku has changed..."

"What do you mean?" Sora asked.

"Well..." she sighed, looking a little bothered by something.

"Are you all right?" Sora asked, trying to see her expression.

She stood up. "Sora, let's take the raft and go--just the two of us!" she said, clasping her hands together and smiling at the sea.

"HUH?" Sora said, his eyes wide.

"Just kidding," said Kairi, blushing a little.

"Kairi, what's gotten into you?"

_Hormones_, Kairi thought bitterly.

"You're the one who's changed, Kairi," Sora chuckled.

"Yeah, right... You know, at first I was a little afraid... but now that I'm sure I can always come back here, I'm not anymore, you know?"

"Actually, we've got a small raft that's supposed to support the three of us for the next however many weeks, we've only got a small amount of food and water, and, frankly, being stuck on a raft with _Riku_ for an extended period of time would probably be unhealthy for both of us, physically, mentally, and emotionally," Sora pointed out. "And if Riku's our navigator, then we sure ain't ever gonna see this place again."

Kairi thought about this. "You know, I never looked at it that way before..."

Sora smirked. "Riku's not the only one who's been thinking, Kairi."

"I can tell!"

They both laughed heartilly for a few minutes, before just looking out at the sunset again.

"Well, if we come back here by a freak accident... we can always come back, right?"

"Yeah, of course!"

Kairi smiled again. "That's great... Sora, don't ever change."

"Huh?"

"I just can't wait! I can't wait until we set sail..."

"Why?"

"..."

_Meanwhile..._

_Donald,_

_Sorry to leave you hanging like that, but this has just been bothering me for the longest time. Y'see, the stars have been blinking out, one by one. Now that just don't seem too right to me. So I've gone to go find out what all the hub-bub is about, and I may not be back for a while. There's someone with a 'key'--the key to our survival. Go talk to Leon in Traverse Town, he can fill you in on the rest._

_Best Regards,_

_M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E_

_P.S. Could you apologize to Minnie for me? I know how cranky she gets if she's not formally asked for forgiveness..._

"Good Lord," groaned Minnie. "I guess we'll just have to trust him on this one. If we don't it could mean all of our jobs go down the drain..."

"Gawrsh, I sure hope he's all right," Goofy said, scratching his head.

"Your Highness, don't worry about anything! We'll find the king and this 'key'!" Donald reassured her confidently.

"Thank you both so much," said Minnie, looking close to tears and still keeping her Disney-patented smile plastered on her face.

Donald turned to his girlfriend. "Daisy, can you take care of--"

"Of course. Now you two get going!"

"Oh, right. And to chronicle your travels, he'll be tagging along." She motioned to the King's royal table.

"...No offense, Queen Minnie, but there's nobody there," Goofy said. "A-hyuck!"

"Look closely and you shall see," Minnie said mysteriously, waving her hands around.

"Over here!" said Jiminy Cricket.

"Well I'll be darned," Donald said. "It's that guy from that one thing about the puppet."

"You mean Jiminy Cricket?" Jiminy said, chuckling and taking a bow, removing his hat. "Yes, it's me--Pinoch's conscious."

"You look familiar. Weren't you a rapper for a while...?"

Jiminy tugged at his collar nervously. "Look, uhh, we've got no time to discuss things like that, we've gotta save the King!"

"No, I'm sure you were!"

"Look," sighed Jiminy, "I recorded some songs that I'm... not too... proud... of, but those things are in the past! With my unbiased opinion, we should be chronicling our adventures in neither a liberal or conservative way!"

"We hope for your safe return," said Daisy. "Now go find the King!"

"You can count on us!" Donald said, saluting each Minnie, Daisy, and Goofy individually. Donald squawked and grabbed Goofy's arm. "You're coming, too!"

_A few minutes later..._

"Gawrsh, Jiminy, your world disappeared too?" Goofy asked. As an afterthought, he said, "A-hyuck!" The three were walking down the stairs to the Gummi Garage.

"It was horrible... we were scattered... I'm still traumatized, you know. As far as I can see, I'm the only one who survived by leeching off another world..."

"What was that?"

"I'm the only one who survived by coming to this castle."

"Goofy?" asked Donald.

"Right... I gotcha. While we're in other worlds, we can't let on where we're from! Gotsta protect the World Border."

"That's World _Order_, you baffoon."

"Gawrsh, that's what I said, Donald."

"..." Donald turned to a communication pipe. "Hey, guys! Get the Gummi Ship ready for launch."

Chip and Dale saluted the two.

"Gawrsh, when we get there, we'll need some new duds, right?"

"Shut up and let me handle it."

The duo (Jiminy doesn't count) boarded the Gummi Ship, a proud vessel that looked like it stepped right out of _Little Einsteins_.

"Ready whenever you are," Donald said after strapping into his seat.

The music picked up and the drama was at its peak, just as the ship sputtered and fell into a tunnel below. It shot through the world, until it was spat out the bottom and regained its balance and started puttering off.

Donald gripped his heart. "Oh... my... goodness..."

"That was fun!" said Goofy, laughing. "We should do it again, a-hyuck!"

_Meanwhile..._

Sora stared at his ceiling in thought, laying on his bed at about seven in the evening.

_I just can't wait! I can't wait to set sail..._

He sat up in his bed, noticing the dark clouds outside. "A storm?" He gasped. "Oh no! The raft!" He climbed out his window.

"Sora, time for dinner!" said Sora's mom, calling up the stairs. "Sora? Are you in there?" She walked in and gasped, irate. "That's the last time I leave his windows unlocked..."

As he reached the smaller island, he noticed Riku and Kairi's boats, already docked. "What the? Darn, I'm the last for everything!"

Sora ignored the little buggy-things that chased him, going to where Riku was standing, looking at the churning sea from the little chunk of land he was always on.

"Riku!" said Sora. "Where's Kairi?" He looked around, still ignoring the shadows. "I thought she was with you!"

"The door has opened..." said Riku quietly.

"Huh? Speak up!"

"The door has opened, Sora!" said Riku, turning around. He had a crazed spark in his eye. Who does that remind you of? "We're free to leave the island at last."

"What? What are you talking about you crazy?" Sora started backing away nervously, shifting his eyes. "We've gotta find Kairi!"

"Kairi's coming with us," Riku assured him, smirking. "Once we leave, we may never see our home or our parents again... But there's always some risk involved, right? So come on, we can do it now." He held out his hand. "We can't be afraid of the darkness!"

"Stop making me try to hold your hand, you girly-girl," Sora spat, and Riku flinched.

And then they were both swallowed by darkness.

"_Keyblade... Keyblade..._" said Bob as Sora found himself standing on the little chunk of land again, holding a giant key. Sora stared at it.

"Oh my God!" he said. "A nickel!" He leaned over and picked it up, smiling.

He turned to where there was a white door jutting from the spot where the Secret Place was. He ran over to it, yet again not noticing the shadows following him and even leaping at him. He threw the doors open, sprinted through the cave, and stopped as he spotted Kairi standing at the end, looking at the door at the end of the tunnel.

"Kairi!" said Sora.

She turned around, looking dazed. "So...ra?" she asked, blinking.

"Kairi! Are you okay?" he asked.

The door opened, and a dark wind lifted Kairi off her feet and sent her flying. Sora tried to catch her, but she faded away right before they were going to collide, and then Sora was swept out of the cave.

The gigantic monster from Sora's dream loomed over him, looking bitter and spiteful. Sora shifted nervously, looking around to see that there was a large black vortex spinning over the chunk of rubble that had once been his island home.

"NOOOOOO!" he shouted, falling to his knees. "You've destroyed it all! Darn you! Darn you to _heck_!" He beat the ground with his fist in despair.

As the shadow-monster was about to scoop him up and eat him, Sora wacked it in the finger with the Keyblade. It whimpered and held its finger in pain.

"Aww, I'm sorry," Sora said, as the thing cried. "I didn't mean to hurt you..." He patted its foot with his free hand. "Are you gonna be okay?"

It whimpered again, nodding.

"Oh that's great because EAT GIANT KEY!" Sora yelled, breaking into a mighty Xena battlecry and leaping at its head, hitting it.

Unfortunately, this only angered it and he was swatted out of the air.

"Argh!"

Just as Sora was going to be stomped on, the game felt it should intervene and interrupted by having the angelic choir start up. The shadow fell off the piece of debris and Sora was sucked into the vortex.

TO BE CONTINUED!


	2. Thats Some Plot

(Note: I decided to move the update date up to Monday. It's more convenient and easier to remember.)

Goofy looked up at the perpetual night sky and saw a star blink out. "Gawrsh, there goes one now!" he said, pointing. Donald looked up just as it disappeared.

The duck shook his head in disappointment. "That's a shame. I wonder what poor sap lived there?"

"We should find Leon. He'll be able to help us out..."

Pluto ran into a nearby alley, where, behind a box, Sora slept peacefully.

The dog licked him on the face.

"Five more minutes, Mom..." he groaned.

"RUFF!" barked Pluto. Sora shot up.

"Argh!" gasped Sora. "Oh, hey..." He looked up and down the alley, and got up. "Where am I?" He looked at the buildings beyond the alley. "Oh, geez..." He looked at Pluto. "Hey, boy, do you know where we are?"

Pluto's ear shot up, and he ran off.

"Hey wait!" Sora said. "Aw, man..." Sora walked out of the alley, looking around. "This is so weird... I'm in another world!"

_Traverse Town_

He walked to the inviting building nearby, a building with a sign that read, "Accessory Shop" above it in big, neon letters. He walked in.

"What can I do ya for?" Cid asked, but his cigarette nearly fell out of his mouth as he saw who entered. "Oh. It's just a kid." He scowled and went back to cleaning the counter. "Darn kids, think they can walk in anytime they feel like it..."

"Hey, I'm not a kid, gramps," Sora said, looking mad. "And my name's Sora!"

"Calm down, and don't call me gramps. You lost your mommy, Sora?"

Sora looked distraught. "_Yes_!" he said, tears welling up in his eyes.

"Aww, it's all right, Sora. You just come to ol' Uncle Cid if you ever need anything."

"Thanks Uncle Cid," Sora said, sniffing. He cheered up right away, walking out and to the Second District.

A fat man ran by and tripped, looking extremely scared.

A thing in clunky black armor came running up, leering at the man creepily. Just as it was about to strike with a clawed hand, it said, "Go on, tell a joke, Jerry."

"Umm... So there are two muffins in an oven, right?"

"Yes."

"One muffin turns to the other and says, 'oh woe is me, who shall be devoured as soon as I go to the outside world!'..."

"Mm-hmm."

"And the other muffin gasps and goes, 'Oh my God, a talking muffin!'" Jerry chuckled hopefully.

The armor-clad creature laughed uncontrollably for about a minute before sighing, wiping away a humorous tear, and then frowned. "Wrong answer, Jerry." It slashed at Jerry, causing him to fade away and laughs could be heard as he went out of existence. The thing chuckled darkly. "Yes, that's it... more humor, I must have mo--"

"Umm, excuse me?" Sora said, looking freaked out.

"HUUURGH?" gasped the thing, looking shocked.

"What did you just do to him?"

Instead of answering, the thing charged at him. Sora ran back to the First District and into Cid's shop.

"Still can't find your mom, Sora? Keep lookin' around town."

"Okay, Uncle Cid!" said Sora enthusiastically, going back into the dark, unforgiving city.

"They'll come at you out of nowhere..."

Sora looked around, spotting... "David Boreanaz? What are _you_ doing here? Aren't you supposed to be like, killing vampires or something?"

"..." said Squall, rolling his eyes and sighing. "And they'll keep on coming at you, as long as you continue to weild the Keyblade. But why? Why would it choose a kid like you?"

"Are you implying that I'm a worthless piece of child?"

"I could be saying that..."

"Then why don't you come over here and let me prove that I'm not?"

"This isn't Burger King. You can't have it your way."

And so they fought. And what would you know? Sora won.

"Now... you're... gonna..." panted Sora, looking woozy. "You're gonna..." He fell backwards, unconscious.

"..." said Squall, shifting his eyes around and hoping nobody saw what just happened.

Unfortunately for him, Yuffie just happened to see.

"Aw, you're slipping, Leon," said Yuffie.

"I went easy on him," said 'Leon'. "He's lucky I didn't call in the _rest_ of the cast of Final Fantasy VIII."

Yuffie shivered. "Yeah..."

_Meanwhile..._

"Somehow I don't think the King his here, Donald," Goofy said, looking worried. "Sure is spooky..."

"You're just saying that because nobody's around," Donald said. "You big 'fraidy-cat. There's nothing to be scared of!"

"Excuse me?" asked a girl, tapping Donald on the shoulder. He flew into the air, knocking Goofy into a wall. "Oh! I'm sorry..."

Donald turned around, only to see...

"I thought you were dead," Goofy said, scratching his head under his hat. "Y'know, you died in that one game and you were sent to the bottom of a pond and you're probably all rotted by--"

"There's a lot a Phoenix Down can do," Aeris said, winking and smiling conspiratorially.

_Meanwhile..._

"_Come on, lazy bum_," said Kairi, "_wake up._"

Sora blinked, disoriented. "Wha...?"

"_Don't tell me you're still dreaming,_" scoffed the girl. "_Are you okay?_"

"I guess," Sora said, sitting up.

"_Those creatures that were chasing you are after the Keyblade_," Kairi informed him. "_But it's your humor they really want, because you wield the Keyblade._"

"...What?" Sora asked. "I'm glad you're okay, Kairi, but you're not making much sense."

"_Kairi_? Who's that?" asked Yuffie. "Nope! _I'm_ the Great Ninja Yuffie!" She pointed at herself. She turned around. "I think you may have overdone it, Squall..."

"That's _Leon_," grumbled Squall.

"Whatever. Anyway, we had to get the Keyblade away from you or else those creatures would've ruined this nice hotel room. It turns out that's how they were tracking you."

Sora spotted the Keyblade sitting propped against the door. _And how is that supposed to shake them...?_

"It was the only way to conceal your humor from them," Squall said. "But it won't work for long. Still, it's hard to believe that it chose a dumb kid for its weilder..." He picked it up, and in a flash of light, the Keyblade was in Sora's hands.

Sora jumped. "What? What's going on here?"

"Okay, you know how your castle and this town aren't the only worlds out there?" Aeris said to Donald and Goofy in the adjacent room.

"Yeah..." said Donald, nodding. Goofy blinked.

"But they're supposed to be a secret," Goofy said, scratching his head.

"Well, they have been a secret... That is, until now. When the Farceless came, everything changed..."

"The Farceless?" Sora asked.

"The ones who attacked you, remember?" Yuffie said, now sitting on the bed next to Sora.

"Those without farce... The bad humor people possess--that's what attracts them," Squall said, looking at the floor. "And there is bad humor in every person."

Yuffie looked at Sora. "Hey, have you heard of a guy named Ansem?"

"Ansem?" asked Goofy.

"He was studying the Farceless," Aeris said. "He recorded all of his findings in a very detailed and riddle-filled report."

"Gawrsh, can we see it?" asked Goofy.

"I would let you read it, but its pages are scattered everywhere," said Aeris, shaking her head and looking at her feet.

"Scattered?" asked Donald.

"Too many worlds." She looked up.

"Oh, so maybe that's why the King left; to find them," Goofy said.

"That's what I was thinking," Aeris admitted.

Goofy turned to Donald, looking determined. "We've gotta find him, quick!"

"What about the 'key'?"

"Yes... the Keyblade..." said the woman thoughtfully.

"So... this is the key?" Sora asked, looking at the Keyblade.

"Well it don't look like no lock, do it?" Yuffie said.

Sora gave her a weird look.

"The Farceless have great fear of the Keyblade. That's why they'll keep coming for it."

The boy looked at the Keyblade thoughtfully, then looked at Squall. "You just contradicted what you first said. If they're so afraid, why would they keep coming at it?"

"They would kamikaze it in hopes that it would... I don't know, break or something," Squall said, looking annoyed and crossing his arms. "Anyway, Yuffie?"

"Right. The Keyblade chooses its master," said Yuffie. She pointed at Sora. "And it chose you!"

"So tough cookies," Squall added.

"Well crap," Sora said. "I don't even know what happened! It was all like a bad dream... I was in my room, and then... Wait a minute! My island! Riku! Kairi? Where could they be?"

"You know what?" Squall said. "I don't know. And frankly, I really don't care."

Sora looked very hurt by that remark. So he got up and decided to talk to Squall.

"Sooner or later, the Farceless will find you," he said. "So you'd best prepare yourself for the dangers ahead."

"Prepare myself?"

"The Farceless go for your bad humor," Squall said. "So save the bad jokes for after we're done here. So are you ready?"

"You bet your--"

"Yuffie, come on. We'd better join Aeris. She should be there by now with the other visitors."

"Leon!" Yuffie said, standing up and pointing out the window.

A Farceless busted through the window, dancing around.

"Yuffie, go!" said Squall, pointing at the door. Yuffie ran away.

Donald was about to open the door to see what all the commotion was about, as he was suddenly flattened against the wall. He squawked, just as Yuffie ran by and Aeris ran with her.

The door slowly closed, and Donald was peeled off the wall by Goofy.

"Sora, let's go!" said Squall, following the Farceless out the window. Sora stared after him for a moment before opening the door and jumping off the balcony, which wasn't much safer, but it did prevent any nasty glass wounds.

Squall was looking nonchalantly at the Farceless that surrounded him. He glanced back at Sora. "Don't bother with the small fry. Go for the leader!" He ran off.

Sora put a hand out, and was about to say 'wait', just as a Farceless tried to swipe his head off. "Ah!" Deciding that it would be troublesome to fight every one of these things, he decided to run off toward the Third District. He arrived, looking around in fright, shaking.

"Gawrsh, are these the Farceless guys?" Goofy asked, blocking the blows of a Farceless with his shield.

"Move aside, ignoramous!" Donald said, holding up his staff.

Sora looked around, still expecting to be attacked from behind or something. He looked up just as he heard the screams of what sounded like a duck and a large dog, falling from above. As he made to run for it, he was suddenly flattened into the ground by said duck and dog.

Donald looked up, discombobulated, as did Goofy. As they recovered, the image of the Keyblade slowly came into clear vision for them.

"The key!" they both yelled, as Sora was lifting his head up and they pushed it into the ground once more.

"Ow!" came Sora's muffled grunt of pain.

Donald looked down in confusion, noticing Sora for the first time. But then he was distracted by the Farceless that had suddenly decided to attack. He jumped up, along with Goofy, subsequently damaging Sora's spine further.

Sora slowly got up, then jumped as he, too, saw the Farceless. He shifted his eyes, and was about to make a break for it, but Donald grabbed him by the arm.

"And where do you think _you're_ going?" he asked, irate.

"I... uhhh..."

"If you're going to run away, at least stay and fight first!"

"...Okay..."

So they fought and fought and fought, until all the Farceless were gone.

The three sighed, and Donald and Goofy were just about to introduce themselves as several giant pieces of armor fell from the sky.

The three were silent.

"Well that don't look too good," said Goofy, rubbing his chin in thought.

Thus they had to fight the giant Farceless known as Guard Armor... Oh, the author's running out of ways to introduce things. And then they beat it! Because the memory of fighting it is vague to the author and probably anybody else who's played Kingdom Hearts.

_A few minutes later..._

"So, you guys were looking for me?" Sora asked.

"Yes," Donald and Goofy said at the same time.

"They, too, have been seeking the wielder of the Keyblade," said Squall.

Sora pointed at him. "I have had it _up to here_ with your melodrama."

"And what are you going to do about it?"

"...Shut up!"

"Hey," said Goofy, changing the subject. "Why don't you come with us? We can go to other worlds in our vessel."

Sora contemplated this. "I wonder if I could find Riku and Kairi? Or my mom?" He looked depressed. "I wish I knew where they were..."

"Well you're not gonna find them by just standing around here," said Donald. "So of course you'll find them coming with us!"

"Gee, are ya sure, Donald?" Goofy whispered to Donald.

"I have no idea," Donald admitted quietly. "But if we're gonna find the King, we need his help."

"Ah, I getcha..."

They both smiled slyly at each other, then looked back at Sora.

"Sora, go with them," said Squall. "Especially if you want to find your friends."

"Yeah, I guess," sighed Sora, still looking depressed.

"But no sad faces!" said Donald, looking sternly at the boy. "Our ship--like much of the rest of the worlds we're going to visit--is fueled by smiles. So you have to smile."

"Yeah, ya gotta look funny, like us!" said Goofy, pulling Donald close.

Donald pushed him away, wiping his clothes off. "We had a no-touch policy, mister!"

"Gawrsh, guess I forgot..."

"Like I said, our ship runs on smiles. Not frowns. So get happy or stay here."

"Happy...?" Sora said, then made a horribly scary face that made several moogles nearby die of heart attacks.

Donald and Goofy stared at him, like this: o.o

"I think... I think that was a little _too_ happy," Yuffie whispered to Sora.

"Oh, darn it all!" he said, looking distraught.

Goofy and Donald broke into nervous laughter suddenly, trying to seem as though they found it funny.

"We've gotta get him out of here, the Farceless are still around," Donald said out of the side of his bill to Goofy.

"I reckon you're right, Donald," Goofy muttered back.

"Come on, kid! We're leaving," Donald said hurriedly, running behind Sora and starting to push him off.

"Gawrsh, I think interductions are in order first," said Goofy.

"Yeah, yeah... I'm Donald."

"And I'm Goofy!"

"I'm Sora."

They put their hands in a circle and then jumped into the air like the Power Rangers.

_Meanwhile..._

"That little squirt was able to beat that Farceless?" said James Woods. "Who'd have thunk?"

"Not I," admitted a shadowy figure who everybody should know, if they've ever seen a Disney movie. (coughJafarcough) "Such is the power of the Keyblade. The child's strength is not his own."

"Why don't we turn him into a Farceless?" asked Ursula. "We can take the easy, villainous way out, like we always do!"

"While I support that idea," Captain Hook said, "His friends are the King's lackeys. Arr, we aren't goin' t'be gettin' close to him anytime soon. Arr. They're all bilge rats by the look of 'em..."

"You're no prize yourself," laughed Oogie Boogie.

"Arr, quiet scum!"

"Enough," said Maleficent, walking into the room. "The Keyblade has chosen him, so there's nothing we can do about it except go after him blindly, not noticing his increasing strength on every world. Now laugh with me."

They were silent.

"I SAID LAUGH!"

They burst into maniacal, evil-villain laughter.

_Meanwhile..._

"Make sure you're prepared for the journey ahead of you," said Leon, he and the others standing in the First District. "The Farceless are everywhere by now."

"Check out the shops here, they've got some pretty neat stuff," said Yuffie.

"This is from all of us," said Aeris, handing Sora 100 munny.

Sora kind of shifted. "And what's that supposed to buy me? I got more of that from all the Farceless I killed earlier."

"Yeah, well, that's all the money we had," Yuffie lied.

"And this is from Leon," said Aeris, handing Sora an elixir.

"I don't remember contributing tha--" started Leon, but Yuffie covered his mouth with her hand quickly.

Aeris looked back at him with a smile. "Oh, come on! You know you wanted to help him as much as possible."

"Good luck!" Yuffie said, saluting them as Squall pushed her away.

"And we hope you find your friends," Aeris said, nodding.

"Look out for each other," said Squall. "Be sure to keep your spirits up and your bad jokes locked away."

"The Gummi Ship is outside that gate," said Donald, pointing at the World Exit.

"The _what_?" Sora asked, snickering.

"Shut up, you little twirp. Anyway, here's a power for the road." Sora attained the power to control fire.

"Oooooh!" he said giddily, and was about to set the town on fire when Goofy tapped him on the shoulder. "Huh?"

"And here's a present from me, buddy!" said Goofy, somehow making Sora learn the Dodge Roll ability.

"Okay, are we done? Let's go!" Sora said, pointing onward with the Keyblade.

"Not 'til we're ready, mister man," Donald said, putting his hands on his hips.

"Well, I see big adventures on their way!" said Jiminy to himself, jumping from Goofy's head and settling himself into Sora's hair.

Sora scratched his head.

"What's the matter?" asked Goofy.

"Oh, nothing... I just thought I felt something crawling around in my hair..."

"You don't have lice, do you?" Donald asked.

"Nah, I'm sure I don't!"

"It's always best to check," Goofy said.

"Eh, that would just slow us down," Donald said. "Are you ready, Sora?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Gawrsh, are you sure we shouldn't check out the sho--"

"Shut up, Goofy," Donald said, grabbing both of them by the arm and dragging them out the World Exit.

TO BE CONTINUED!


	3. The Heavily Edited Chapter Three

"So, where should we go?" Donald asked, looking out the viewport.

"Tch. There's only one other world on the map, Donald," scoffed Sora.

"Respect your elders, punk!" the duck yelled, shaking an angry fist and narrowing his eyes at Sora. "Don't sound so rude, or you're gonna get injured in vague places more than once!"

So they flew to Wonderland, only to be intercepted by several Farceless ships that all took about one hit to kill. So I guess they weren't so much 'intercepted' as they were 'annoyed'.

Thus the trio landed in Wonderland.

And as they did so, the three floated down the rabbit hole.

"Oh, heck," said Donald, making a face, "I guess we needed to read about this place first."

Sora looked distraught. "I don't like this place, it looks like it's on drugs!"

Goofy was sleeping. Oh, that Goofy. Haha.

When they were about three feet above the ground, gravity took over and slammed all three onto the cold, tiled surface. Tiled? _What_? Anyway, Goofy woke up.

"A-hyuck!" he said reflexively.

"Oh, my fur and whiskers!" said the White Rabbit, scuttling about. "I'm late, I'm late, I'm late! I'm here, I should be there! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late! The queen will have my head for SURE!" As he said this, he ran out the door, slamming it behind him.

Sora stared after him.

"What a nutjob," Donald said, shaking his head.

"I wonder who the queen is and what she'd want with his head?" Goofy said, rubbing his chin.

Sora noticed how very small the door was. He scratched his head and looked confused. "How'd he get so small?"

"Oh, no; you're just too big," said the Doorknob.

The boy reeled back in shock.

"It can talk!" quacked Donald.

"Well _of course_ I can talk!" said the Doorknob. "What self-respecting, hard-working doorknob _can't_ talk? But must you be so loud? You woke me up."

"G'mornin'!" said Goofy, smiling.

"Good NIGHT," the Doorknob said snappily, yawning. "I need just a bit more sleep..."

"It's like... three in the afternoon," said Sora, checking the watch he never knew he had until now.

"Well a doorknob must get his beauty sleep," scoffed the Doorknob, closing its eyes and falling to sleep immediately afterwards.

"Wait!" Sora yelled, making the Doorknob wake up again with a start. "How do we get small?"

"Why don't you try that bottle on the table?" the Doorknob sighed, rolling its eyes.

Sora glanced back, where there were two bottles. One read 'SMALL' in big letters, and the other red 'big' in small letters. He shrugged and picked up the one that read 'SMALL'.

"Wait, Sora!" Donald squawked. "We don't know what that stuff is!"

"It could be somethin' like... somethin' like..." Goofy said, trying to think of something. "Somethin' like... uhh..."

"Alcohol!" Donald said, stomping a webbed foot. "And that stuff messes you up!"

"Aw, there's always some risk involved, right?" Sora chuckled, shrugging. He took a swig, then looked around. "...Nothing happened!"

"Lemme see that," the duck snapped, snatching the bottle away. He sipped it, then made a face. "Yech! This tastes like..."

Goofy took it next, drinking some. "Mm, like cherry cough syrup!"

"That stuff tastes horrible," grumbled Donald. He jabbed the Doorknob with his staff. "Are you _sure_ this'll make us small?"

"No," the Doorknob said. "And I'm not sure the 'big' stuff'll make you big, but there's only one way to find out!"

"AND THAT'S TO DRINK IT!" Sora yelled, diving for it, but he was swatted out of the way by Donald.

"I don't think so!" Donald said. "Not until we know what it do--"

Goofy poured some of the 'big' liquid down Donald's throat, making the duck sputter and gag in disgust.

"Yuck!" he said, then looked up. Sora and Goofy were gazing down at him, suddenly gigantic. "Holy father!"

"I guess whoever labeled them was being a smart-aleck," Sora said, crossing his arms. "You wanna go next, Goofy?"

"That's pretty thoughtful of ya, Sora," Goofy chuckled, taking the next drink. He shrunk down.

"You moron! Now he's gonna run away!" Donald said.

"No I'm not," Sora laughed, then took another drink. He shrunk down, too, and then said, "_Now_ I'm gonna run away!" He did so, running through the door.

"After him!" Donald yelled, as Goofy followed the duck. They ran after Sora through the door.

_Wonderland_

The trio entered a well-groomed garden of hedges, the one above the entrance shaped like a heart. A line of cards, either of hearts or of spades, was standing on either side of a podium, at which a fat man in drag was standing with a heart-shaped gavel in his chunky hand. A small crown sat on his head, and his hair was tied back in a tight bun.

The white rabbit blew into a trumpet with the insignia of some royalty printed on the flag dangling on it. "Her Majesty, the Queen of Hearts, presiding!"

Sora gasped loudly, nearly fainting, but was held up by Goofy. Donald winced, hoping they hadn't been noticed.

"Court is now in session!" the rabbit continued, either taking no notice of Sora or choosing to ignore him altogether.

"I'm on trial? But WHY?" asked a little blonde girl in a blue dress, standing at the podium labled 'Defendant'. "What have I done to deserve this?"

"You tried to steal my humor, THAT'S what!" the Queen of Hearts said, pointing her gavel at the girl. "And how do you plead?"

"Tch! NOT guilty!" the girl said as if it were obvious.

"Well what I say goes and I say you plead guilty, so tough luck," the Queen said, 'ha-rumphing' and pointing her nose into the air snobbishly. "Now... OFF WITH HE--"

"Wait one minute, there!" Sora said.

Goofy did a double-take, not having noticed Sora slipping away.

The boy pointed at the Queen, looking stern. "You can't just say that she's to be executed like THAT! Haven't you heard of the Fifth Amendment?"

"What is this... 'Amendment' of which you speak?" the Queen asked suspiciously, her eyes narrowed dangerously at Sora. She crossed her arms, waving her gavel around a little.

Sora looked confused. "Umm... the Bill of Rights? ...It's been amended since... Oh, never mind," he said, frustrated. "Look, all I'm saying is, she has the right to a fair trial. She pleaded the Fifth, didn't she?"

"I lived in London, your American documents can go suck--"

"Quiet, I'm trying to save your life," Sora said, covering her mouth with his hand. He turned his attention to the Queen, who looked like she was ready to just sentence them both to death and get it over with. "Anyway, at least let us get some evidence before you kill this horribly innocent-looking girl. The evidence should surely prove her innocence!"

The Queen considered this, fiddling with the gavel a little. "Fine! You have half an hour to find incriminating evidence."

"I just said it would prove her inno--"

"I know what you said, it's just a force of habit," the Queen told him, crossing her arms again. She glared at him. "NOW OFF WITH YOU OR OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!"

Sora ran to the only exit, followed quickly by Donald and Goofy.

"You don't even know her, Sora," Donald said.

"Yeah, well... uhh, look, there's something that looks like it would prove anybody's innocence!" he said, pointing at a Farceless antenna. He picked it up and put it in a CSI evidence bag, sealing it tight. "See, I figure if I can help everybody in the world, then someday it'll be a better place! That and I'm kinda using her as a stepping stone in my quest to find Riku and Kairi. Mostly Kairi, but I suppose if we meet Riku on the way, then he can come along or whatever."

"You're so heartless," said Donald, and a cheesy sitcom laugh-track could be heard in the distance.

"I know, but am I any better than you? You want to find the King, right?" Sora said, looking at Donald accusingly.

"How did you--?"

"I overheard you talking in Traverse Town," Sora admitted. "I mean, who _couldn't_? You talk awefully loud, y'know."

"Well! Maybe if I mumbled all the time, you wouldn't have this strange urge to eavesdrop on other people's conversations!"

"Gawrsh, Donald, we aren't paid to get angry, we're Disney characters," Goofy said.

Donald took some deep breaths to calm himself down, then counted to ten. "All right... I'll yell at you later, punk," Donald said, his eyes narrowed dangerously at Sora. He put on his happiest face. "Now let's go find more evidence to uh, save that girl and... and stuff."

_Several minutes later..._

"Waitaminute," Goofy said quickly. "We're outsiders! We're muddling!"

"Oh for... We're not _'muddling'_ in anything, you idiot! We're _meddling_," Donald growled. "And I'm as against this as you are, but he _insisted_."

"Quiet, quiet, the trial's starting again," Sora said, looking intently at the Queen's expression as all four boxes of evidence were brought in and laid out.

She twitched a bit. "Oh, think you can win me over with meaningless evidence, hmm?"

"It's not meaningless! We went back to the scene of the crime and even hired this bitchy blonde woman from the CSI world to help," Sora said, pointing at said woman, who stuck her shades on and walked away as mysterious music played. "And besides, I worked really hard. Don't you think you're being harsh?"

"And don't you think you're an idiot?" the Queen retorted. Sora gained a shifty look. "What I meant was that it was meaningless because no matter what, I have the upper hand, being the Queen and Supreme Ruler of Wonderland." She turned to her cards. "Isn't that right?"

"Yes, Your Majesty!" the cards said, saluting her.

"And I have my own evidence, too," she said, waving her gavel like a wand. A fifth box popped up next to the other boxes, then they were shuffled around. "Now pick one, and whatever you choose will be used against you!"

"But I--"

"Shut up, old habits die hard."

Sora gulped, looking back at Donald and Goofy. Then he looked at the girl, who was now in a cage to the side. Then he looked at the Cheshire Cat, who was gazing eerily at him. Then he looked at the cards, who were looking attentive. Then he looked at the Queen, who was glaring at him impatiently. Then he looked at the boxes, all of which were just sitting there. Then he looked at his shoes...

_An hour later..._

Donald and Goofy had started a game of 'I Spy', Alice was filing her nails, the Cheshire Cat had disappeared randomly, the Queen was staring at Sora, the cards were trying to play poker with themselves, and the boxes were still sitting there.

"I spy something... red," Donald sighed, extremely bored. "He's been looking at his shoes for a long time. Do you think he's all right?"

"The hearts on the cards?" guessed Goofy. "I dunno, Donald. Maybe he's got a procussion."

"You're right," said Donald. "And it's _concussion_, sheesh."

"I HAVE DECIDED!" Sora suddenly procclaimed, pointing into the air triumphantly. Then he brought his finger down ever-so-slowly, closing his eyes. "I choose... THAT one!" He opened one eye, only to see that he'd chosen the white rabbit.

"Well I'm very flattered, but it would help you better to choose actual evidence," the rabbit said, adjusting his vest in embarrassment.

"No, wait, I mean... THAT one!" said Sora, quickly pointing to the middle box.

It popped open magically and out jumped a Farceless, looking around and kind of... dancing...

They were all silent.

The Queen blinked.

Sora crossed his fingers.

Alice yawned.

Goofy and Donald gulped in anticipation.

The Cheshire Cat returned, with popcorn and soda in hand.

The cards looked up from their game of poker.

"GOODNESS ME WHAT IS THAT?" screamed the Queen, her eyes wide. "So you _did_ try to steal my humor!" She glared over at Alice. "OFF WITH HER HEAD! AND YOURS TOO!" She pointed at Sora. "Get him!"

The cards charged at Sora, spears and axes brandished. He screamed like a little girl and ran away. Donald rolled his eyes, cast Fire on several of them, and Goofy bowled into them, shield... shielding him... The author grew tired at her lame attempts to make this interesting.

Donald grabbed Sora by his little jacket, pulling him down.

"Ack!" grunted Sora.

"Are you afraid of some cards? They're pieces of paper! Paper with pictures!" Donald said, flailing his arms around.

"And weapons," Goofy added, running over. He smacked one with his shield without turning around, ala Legolas from The Two Towers. "A-hyuck."

"Oh, fine," sighed Sora, knowing there was no other way to progress the plot than to attack the control tower. He hit it once and it collapsed. After staring at it for a moment, he commented, "I guess pop-up scenary isn't the most effective..." He turned around to see if Alice had been let go, but she was gone.

"She must've gotten kidnapped when we were fighting," Donald said, shrugging. He squawked as he was suddenly hit by a flying heart-shaped gavel. It bounced off his head and spun wildly out of control into a bush, where it stuck.

"You fools!" screamed the Queen, throwing a hissy-fit. "Go find out who's responsible for this, or I'LL HAVE YOUR HEADS ON A SILVER PLATTER!"

"RUN AWAY!"

_A few minutes later..._

In the Lotus Forest, Sora and the gang looked around a little, before a pair of yellow eyes were noticed by Goofy.

"Gawrsh, ya don't see that everyday..." he said, rubbing his chin.

The Cheshire Cat appeared, yawning and pruning himself.

"Have you seen Alice?" Donald asked.

"Alice... Alice... No, I don't believe I did," said the Cheshire Cat. "But I _have_ seen... SHADOWS."

BUM BUM BUUUUUM!

"Well, gawrsh, where'd they go?" Goofy said, looking somewhat concerned. Or as concerned as Goofy can look in Kingdom Hearts.

"This way?" the Cat said, pointing one way, "That way?" He pointed the other way with his other paw/apposable finger. "Does it really matter? Left, right, up, down! Nothing makes sense in... the MATRIX."

"...WHAT?" Sora said, confused. He had 'wtf' written all over his face.

"All mixed up because of the shadows!" the Cheshire Cat continued as though he had said nothing out of the ordinary. "Step deeper into the forest to the deserted garden. You may find shadows in the upside-down room!"

_A few minutes later..._

Sora and the gang (they should be patented) walked into the room where they'd entered Wonderland, which was the room with the Doorknob if you have short-term memory loss from the seven pages back that it debuted. The Cheshire Cat soon appeared, his frightening smile widening a little as he stared at them all one-by-one.

"They're probably hiding here," said the Cheshire Cat. "And the momeraths outgrabe. That's Lewis Caroll, if you didn't know. Want to find the shadows? Try turning on the lights."

"PFFT! Any three-year-old could think of _that_," Sora snorted.

"And how do we find the shadows?" the Cat said.

"Umm... I know this one..."

Sora turned to a lamp, and it... it bloomed, I guess.

"It's too dim in here," sighed the Cat. "Make it brighter."

"Blah, blah, blah, your wants," Sora said in spite, flicking the switch on the lamp.

"Now what?" Donald asked, ignoring Sora.

"There's one more lamp to li--"

Before the Cheshire Cat could finish, Sora had impatiently turned on the second lamp.

"...All the lights are on," the Cat said. "The shadows should come out soon. They'll arise in this room, but they may be somewhere else. The shadows might go after that doorknob, too."

_A few minutes later..._

"You'll have a better view from higher up," said the Cheshire Cat, looking bored. He was laying on the table with the bottles.

After Sora, Donald, and Goofy had climbed to the top of the table, the Cat looked very nonchalant. "The shadows will be here very soon. Are you prepared? If not... too bad!"

In a flash of light, a large Farceless appeared. It also started juggling flaming bats, and hopping around.

"Can somebody tell me what drugs it's _not_ on?" Sora asked, looking irate. He'd had just about enough of Wonderland for one day...

"...PCP," the Farceless answered, shifting its beady yellow eyes around the room.

Since the author really can't think of anything... They killed the Farceless, sending it to Farceless Hell. They could hear the humor being released from it and into the heavens above.

"Who's making that racket?" the Doorknob asked grumpily. It spotted the trio. "You! I thought I told you I need my beauty sleep--" It yawned widely, revealing a keyhole, which wasn't that strange but it was rather small for the size of the doorknob. "--or else I won't--"

"Shut up, shut up," Sora said quickly.

With that, he did some flashy moves and sealed the Keyhole to Wonderland with an almighty 'click'. Yay.

"It sounded like something closed," Donald observed.

A Gummi piece fell from the sky and to Sora's feet. Curious, he picked it up and examined it.

"What the heck is this?" he asked, another 'wtf' look on his face.

"Gawrsh, that Gummi ain't like the others," said Goofy. "No sir."

Despite the fact that adding 'no sir' to the end of that statement being completely unnecessary, Donald snatched it from Sora. "Okay! I'll just keep this in our Inventory."

And by 'Inventory' he obviously meant the large, impossible statistics and weapons/items storages and lists upon lists of Gummi Ship parts that could be accessed by the mere press of a Start button on a PS2 controller. Heck, on any major console port's controller, even. Or the designated 'Menu' button you have assigned to a PC game. Like the one the crappy port of FFVIII had.

"Splendid," said the Cheshire Cat, smiling and propping his head on a paw, the elbow attached to said paw resting on the table. "You're quite the hero. But if you're looking for Alice, she's not here. Taken by the shadows, she was."

The group was silent for a moment, all of which looking disappointed in themselves. Suddenly, Sora's head shot up, and he looked rather surprised.

"Wait, her name was _Alice_?"

The Cheshire Cat kind of stared at him. "Yes... why?"

"Well good-_ness_, anybody with that kind of name is _bound_ to be kidnapped!" Sora said, a look on his face that suggested it was more obvious than he was letting on. Then he gasped, looking horrified. "Then that means--! KAIRI NOOOOO!" He fell to the ground, wallowing in self-pity and possibly some hate he had boiling up for himself. And maybe 'cause he was hungry.

Donald rolled his eyes, sighing. "Come on, let's go back to the Gummi Ship." He tugged on Sora's hood until the boy hopped up and practically skipped off.

"Let's go to the save point and go back to the ship," Goofy said, dishing out his bit of advice for the day/chapter.

TO BE CONTINUED!


	4. Sora the Mary Sue

(Note: Anything that I say that involves Cloud being Sora's dad... that's a joke. And Sora's back-story is a joke as well. If you're gullible enough to believe it, well... you ARE gullible.)

"Why did you let Goofy drive, Sora?" Donald said, looking irate. He was trying to regulate his breathing so as not to pass out...again. "I _told you_ that he would fall asleep at the wheel!"

"Well how was _I _supposed to know that?" Sora scoffed, waving his arms in the air like a fool. "You didn't tell me that! I can't just guess these things like I can in school, you know!"

Some time earlier...

"Sora, please come up to the board and solve this equation," said Sora's eighth-grade math teacher, as Sora walked up to the board to solve the equation.

Lessee... carry the two... he thought, as the chalk clicked on the board. Do classes even have chalk-boards anymore...? Eh, whatev. _Divide by the square-root of nine...Oh God, I don't know this one! This is just a wild guess, but..._ He rubbed his head, then smiled, satisfied, and nodded. Then he stepped back from the board.

he thought, as the chalk clicked on the board. Do classes even have chalk-boards anymore...? Eh, whatev. He rubbed his head, then smiled, satisfied, and nodded. Then he stepped back from the board.

2 (plus) 2 (equals) 4

"Yes, Sora, very good," the teacher complimented him, patting the boy on the back. "You sure have been doing better lately."

"Thank you, Mr. President!" Sora said, smiling widely and going back to his seat.

Back to the present...

Donald sighed. "Well you could have asked at any time. I mean... geez, we're Disney characters, there must be so much you need to know!"

Sora gasped, eyes wide and full of hope. "You're _Disney _characters? I had no idea!"

The duck gave him a look as Goofy walked around the large dirt-pit that was the entrance to the Olympus Coliseum.

Olympus Coliseum

"Gawrsh, guys, I don't think we're in 2002 anymore," Goofy said, putting a hand to his mouth and looking somewhat troubled. "This looks like them thar 'mysterilogical times'..."

Donald then gave _Goofy_ a look. "Do you mean 'mythological times', Goofy? Because if you do, then you are a very screwed-up individual."

"Gawrsh, Donald, you've known me so long not to know that," Goofy said, almost scoldingly. He put his hands on his hips and gave Donald a nasty look. "You should know better! _Shame on you_."

"That's kind of harsh, Goofy," Sora said. He looked like he was going to defend Donald for a moment, before he ran off to the other set of double-doors on the other side of the... God, I just want to call it a landfill. 'Cause that's what it looks like. With pillars and two big statues of Roman soldiers. I thought the movie took place in _Athens_? Well the Coliseum _was_ in Rome...

Anyway, Sora went into the Lobby. And it wasn't really appropriately named, because it looked neither like a lobby nor any place that you would want to call a lobby. Because it was a very small room. Of course, that pedestal _did_ look kind of comfortable...

As the trio entered, they noticed a small half-goat half-man (aka a Satyr) standing and looking into the dark abyss beyond a sign that read 'Closed' in stylized letters that were supposed to be some comical modern-day thing. Like the Emperor's New Groove or Aladdin. He looked like he was deep in thought, and as he heard the three enter he only waved a hand in their general direction.

"Geez, 'bout time you showed up," he said gruffly. "Gimme a hand, will ya? Push that pedestal outta the way of the trophy case. I swear, it gets more and more annoying whenever I want to put a trophy _right there_..." As he went on ranting, Sora tried to push the pedestal.

He pushed it the conventional way, then tried to make it move by putting all his weight on his shoulders and moving backwards. Okay, that's a bad discription, but hey.

"You guys could try and help!" he grunted to Donald and Goofy, who just stood there... _watching_. "I'm sure with our combined strength, we could do this!"

"Teamwork is for Looney Tunes, Disney's a little more grown-up," Donald said. "Remember such hit films as Lady and the Tramp or Bambi? Yeah. Animals were severely injured and/or killed in those movies. It even showed that pheasant dropping like a bag of cement. Looney Tunes just has sight-gags, mind you."

"GOD, shut UP Donald!" Sora said, not in the mood for this. He gave up trying to push the pedestal and instead tried tugging on it instead. But that just left him with sore arms so he stopped after about half-a-minute. He panted and then fell on his butt. "Well... that was all for naught..."

The goat-man turned around slowly. "Geez, when did you become such a wimp? And with such a prepubescent voice, too..." As he spotted Sora, his eyes widened and he stiffened. "Oh. Well that explains a lot. Anyway, this here's the world-famous Coliseum--heroes only!"

"You don't sound like your from the Mediterranean area, Mr. Goat," said the boy, looking at the goat-man suspiciously. "Shouldn't you have an Italian accent?"

"Well, although I sound like I'm from the Brooklyn area, I am in fact from an island directly off the coast of Greece," Phil said, since you know and I know who he is. Unless you haven't seen Hercules, God forbid. "But that don't matter. What does matter is why the heck are you here? I've got my little hands busy preparing for the games. So run along, pip-squeaks. Daddy don't have time to play with you now, come back in a few millenia, when you're heroes and not on level ten."

Sora shifted his eyes around the room.

"You got heroes standing right in front of you," said the ever-defiant Donald defiantly, crossing his arms in defiance.

"Yup!" said Goofy, pointing at Sora. "He's a real hero chosen by the Keyblade!"

"And we're heroes, too," said Donald, pointing to himself and not bothering to acknowledge Goofy and his crazy antics since the early 1900's.

"Hero? That scrawny runt?" Phil said, then doubled over laughing. He fell to the ground, rolling over.

"What's so--" started Sora, but he was cut off as Phil laughed harder. "...What's--"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"..." said Sora. "...Wha--"

"HA hahahahahahahaha!"

"Wh--"

"HOHOHAHAHAHAHEEHEEHEEHOO!"

Sora picked up the goat-man and shook him. "Shut up!" Phil kicked him in the gut, causing Sora to drop him.

"Next time I'll chew on that mass on your head you call hair!" Phil threatened, shaking his fist at Sora bitterly.

"...What's so funny?" Sora said. "I've fought a bunch of monsters!"

"I would hardly call people trying to get you to eat change 'monsters'," Phil said, rolling his eyes and smirking.

"Ha-HA! That's where I have you out-smarted, Mr. Goat!" Sora said, smirking right back and pointing at him. "I made advertisments that I would do that, and I was _paid_ to do so as well!"

"Oh?"

"Yes--I would eat five nickels for five pennies each, with a cash refund if I threw up from the nickel poisoning," Sora continued, looking prouder and prouder of himself as he went. "But I had a 'you-pay-first' policy, so then I would point off in a random direction and while they had their backs turned, I would run off with the pennies _and_ my nickels!"

As he laughed maniacally, the three Disney characters considered this.

"Somehow, even though that's the most retarded and ill-formed plan of all time..." Donald said thoughtfully, "...it is somehow clever all the same..."

"I've heard enough! I'm still not letting you in," Phil said, crossing his arms and turning away. "So if you can't even move _this_, a mere pillar-shaped pedestal that must weigh a lot more than your skinny butt, then you cannot call yourself a hero!" He then proceeded to demonstrate how very easy it was, but failed miserably and just embarrassed himself. Because 'embarrass' has the word 'ass' at the end of it, and that's what you make yourself in the end. "Okay, so maybe it takes more than brawn. Well, well, let's see what you can do."

"But you just said--"

"Silence, fool!" Phil said, kicking Sora in the shin. "This trial is tough. You ready? You got what it takes?"

"I'm ready!" Sora said, totally giddy in anticipation.

And so, Phil led Sora outside, where there was a stage-looking platform that was up about two feet off the ground. So it looked like a step that took up about half the arena.

Suddenly, some barrels materialized on it.

"Oh, this'll be _easy_," said Sora like the cocky teen he is, Keyblade coming out of nowhere as he smashed the barrels relentlessly. After he was done, he went back inside to talk to Phil.

"You know, you ain't bad, kid," Phil said, a look of slight admiration on his face. Because, really? Phil wouldn't have been able to smash barrels with such finess. I mean, he was a two-foot-tall talking goat-man, for God's sake.

"Looks like I'm headed to the games!" Sora said, striking a pose. He held it for a good five minutes.

Phil tugged on his beard a little. "Mmm... 'Fraid not, kid."

"WHAT?" gasped Sora and Donald at the same time. Sora sputtered before saying, "Why not?"

The goat-man held up two fingers. "Two words: You guys ain't heroes."

"Oh come on! That was _four _words! And a contraction."

"Are you questioning my authority?"

"Maybe."

"Wanna be a real hero? Start by mastering this spell."

So Sora attained the power of the Thunder spell. He rubbed his hands together, giggling menacingly.

"Out of the lobby! OUT!" Phil said, shooing them off.

Some time later...

Sora entered the entrance (ho-hum, so it's redundant), looking down.

"Aw, cheer up, Sora," Goofy said, patting him on the shoulder reassuringly. "We'll find a way to get in somehow."

"At this rate, I'll _never_ find Riku and Kairi!" Sora said, beating himself up inside. Well I don't think he'd do that. It's just for the drama. He _is_ fourteen.

"Rather a stubborn old goat, wouldn't you say?" said a familiar voice.

Sora looked up as Hades (aka James Woods) strolled over casually to them.

"Who are you?" Donald asked, knowing that anybody with James Woods' voice (including James Woods himself) was bad news. He scowled at Hades.

"Whoa, hold on there, fuzz boy," Hades said.

"But I'm a duck."

"So you are. Anyway..." He turned to Sora. "Wait, let me guess... You want to enter the games, right?" He put a hand on Sora's shoulder, stooping down to seem friendly. "Well then, hey, get a load of this." He snapped his fingers and what should be in his hand but an Entry Pass.

"A pass?" Sora asked as if making a wild guess as to what the _Entry Pass_ could be.

"It's all yours," Hades said, standing up straight and starting to walk off. "Good luck, kid. I'm pulling for you, little shorty."

Sora looked it over for a few seconds before his head snapped up. "Wait a minute!" He shook an angry fist after Hades. "You were being redundant!"

But it was too late. James Woods had gone.

"Hey, where'd you get this?" Phil asked a few seconds later, looking the Entry Pass over skeptically.

"Can we enter the games now?" Sora asked, totally disregarding Phil's question.

The goat-man thought about it, then handed the pass back to Sora. "Well, while you didn't answer my question--which was rather _rude_ and _child-like_ of you--I guess I have no choice but to let you in."

"And that was rather _spontaneous_ and _stupid_ of you," said Sora, as they both winked conspiratorially at each other.

"Wait a minute!" Donald quacked, looking somewhat peeved. "Just what is going on here?"

"What do you mean, Donald?" Sora asked, completely confused.

"All that... that winking!" the duck continued.

"Oh that? I was talking about how Riku acted when he was around Kairi and thought I wasn't watching them," Sora admitted, scratching the back of his head.

"And I was talking about how Herc acted when I first met him," Phil said, shrugging.

"And I had something in my eye."

"And I was playing along."

"But you both looked like you were so in on whatever it was you were conspiring about!"

"I guess I look weird when I blink one eye, then."

They were all silent for a few minutes.

"Some real weirdos signed up this year," Phil said. "Better watch yourself."

Some time later...

Sora had barely lifted the Keyblade as the first batch of Heartless were taken out effortlessly by Donald and Goofy. He glanced back at the two, looking hurt. "Wow, thanks guys," he said, a totally not thankful expression on his face.

"Gawrsh, you're welcome!" said Goofy for the sake of saying something since he hasn't had a line in like... forever. Or at least not in the last half-a-page.

"He was being sarcastic, you goof," Donald grumbled.

"...Oh."

Just then, a man with the worst case of bed-head Sora had ever seen (and, having had some bad bed-head himself, he knew what he was talking about) walked past, eyeing them darkly. Sora stared at him, and the man stared back.

And then he tripped over his billowing red cape that looked like it belonged to somebody who wasn't him but was in the same game, getting a faceful of dirt.

"Oh hell," sighed the man, getting up and brushing himself off. He glanced back at Sora. "You saw nothing, kid. Got it?"

"Ummm... I think?" Sora said, shrugging. He watched the man leave, then turned to Donald and Goofy and, for some reason, Phil. "Geez, what a weirdo."

"I told you some weirdos signed up this year!" Phil chuckled.

"Who was that guy?"

"Dunno. But something tells me he'll be tough to beat--I can feel it in my hooves. Who knows, maybe you'll end up facing him."

"Yeah, he did look... did you just say 'I can feel it in my hooves'?" Sora asked, looking freaked out.

"Hey look, it's time for the next match," Phil said distractingly, pointing in a random direction.

Sora spun around, looking around frantically. "Where?" he asked.

Some time later...

A mighty Xena battlecry was released from the vocal chords of a prepubescent boy who could still sound high-pitched and not be called gay, resonating through the still air of the Olympus Coliseum's lone ampetheater/arena. An equally-as-mighty angry scream sounded soon thereafter, and not long after that came the not-as-equally-as-mighty cry of 'Gawrsh!'

"Goofy, you really kind of ruined the moment there," Sora said, looking like an angry Hollywood director who'd just gotten the worst performance out of Brad Pitt (considering that happened on his 'good days'). But then he brightened up. "Well, at least Round Two is over and--"

ROUND THREE

Another team of Farceless that should have overpowered the three but didn't as they were all vaporized right then and there materialized where the last team had appeared. Sora, mouth slightly agape, looked over to them, looked back at his teammates, then did a double-take.

"What...?" he asked, not expecting that to happen so soon.

Before he could do much else, however (besides accidentally tripping one of the Farceless and then apologizing quickly only to notice that laughter was floating into the air), Donald and Goofy had won the fight _for_ him. He was about to say something, but another cut-scene started so he was forced to sit through it.

Phil approached them, clapping his little hands in like, entertainment or something. "Say, you're better than I thought, kid!" he said, smiling.

"...Thanks...?" the boy said awkwardly, then shifted his eyes around knowing that he just stood back as Donald and Goofy did all the work anyway.

"Wish he was here to see this," Phil continued regardless of the thank-you he'd just gotten. "He'd be really happy and all proud-like to see an aspiring young hero."

"Who?"

"Hercules, of course!" the goat-man said as if it were obvious. Well I hope it should be! "He's a hero if there ever was one, and you'll be hard-pressed to find one better than him. Too bad he's off visiting his father..."

"I wish _I_ had a father," Sora muttered in contempt or jealousy or something like that, crossing his arms and pouting.

Some time later...

Because the author is really bored writing about their battles, we'll skip to the next cutscene:

Hades was talking to the man with the bed-head from earlier, who was shrouded in shadows but should be obvious to anybody who's ever played a Final Fantasy game (or even to people who _haven't_). Oh and he looked all angsty and he had his 'thinking face' on.

"That little punk is your next opponent," Hades told him. He was pacing around the little area that's never shown in the game but it's there in the shadows. "Now don't blow it... Just take him out."

"The great god of the Underworld is afraid of some punk kid?" the man scoffed, sounding somewhat hopeless and how one would imagine somebody who's _not_ Cloud would sound. "While I'd love to beat up some idiot child, my contract says that--"

"I know what the contract says, _I wrote it_," Hades said, losing what little patience he had fast. "I know it says that you only have to fight and/or kill--preferrably kill--Hercules. But in order to get to him you need to take out the trash."

Cloud narrowed his eyes in thought, then stood up and left, fanning out his cloak before doing so for dramatic effect.

"Geez," said Hades. "Stiffer than the stiffs back home. But still, hard to come by suckers like that..."

Meanwhile...

Sora shook with rage. "DARN it, Goofy!" he screamed, throwing the Keyblade on the ground, only to have it rematerialize in his hand a few seconds after clattering noisily on the stone. "I told you to let me kill a few for this round! I need the experience!"

"Gawrsh, don't blame me," Goofy said, holding his shield up defensively. "Donald's the one who used Thundaga on 'em all that last match..."

"Don't be playin' the Blame Game, now!" Donald snapped. "We can't throw it around because we still have to work together to--"

ROUND SEVEN

"Quack." And Donald left it at that, since he had no more to say after being rudely interrupted like that.

Cloud looked Sora and his pals over critically before raising his weapon.

And it looked like it had been broken a few... million times. Scotch tape decorated it, as if it were supposed to add to Cloud's more dramatic visage, even though it just made him look like _more_ of a fool than he already looked. I mean... his HAIR, come ON.

Then Sora eyed the weapon, but then looked like the lights had finally come on after all these years.

He fished through his pockets before pulling out a wallet. And then he flipped out the billfold. And then he slipped out a picture of himself, and his parents when he was a small child.

"Papa...?" he asked, looking hopeful.

Cloud merely raised an eyebrow.

"Oh it is you!" he said, smiling widely. "Mom said you went to the bar and never came back!"

And that may have partially been true, too, because Cloud vaguely remembered going to a bar in Nibelheim (despite the fact that the 'citizens' enraged him beyond belief) and then never going back home. Instead, he'd wandered into the Shinra Mansion, gotten a little _more_ drunk with his 'buddy' Vincent, then turned his back on the little town and didn't look back.

Then the next morning he had the strangest urge to shower and found that his clothes were a whole shade of red darker. And he had a cape and a freaky claw arm and a weird wing stickin' out of his shoulder. And never did he wonder where all of those things came from or how that happened!

Geez. You'd think this was about _him_.

"Sub-plot aside," Cloud said, coughing awkwardly. "I umm... HAVE AT YOU!" He suddenly darted across the arena in the blink of an eye, then stopped short of Sora and just clunked the boy over the head with the hilt of the broken Buster Sword.

"Argh!" Sora grumbled before passing out cold in the middle of the arena.

Cloud cleared his throat, and Donald and Goofy kind of looked to each other before grunting unconvincingly and falling to the ground in a heap like Frodo.

Sora sat up almost immediately afterwards. "Wha happened...?" he said groggily, blinking.

"...," said Cloud. He kind of stared at Sora for a few seconds, then was stomped into the ground.

Cerberus gave a loud 'woof' and picked up his tennis ball that was sitting right in front of where Cloud had been standing. It wagged its tail and ran back to Hades, where it dropped the ball and whined playfully.

"Oh, right... there was a rule I forgot: Accidents happen," sneered James Woods, popping in out of nowhere.

Hades threw the ball back into the arena, and, right as Cerberus was going to smash Sora into the ground (and while the boy was wincing and cowering in fear, begging for mercy), a lone figure punched the paw right back up to its owner.

Cerberus whimpered, and Sora, Donald, and Goofy looked up to see...

"Herc!" said Phil out of nowhere.

"Phil, get them out of here!" Hercules said, glancing back over his shoulder as Cerberus made to go for the ball again, only to be whacked in the nose. The dog backed off a little.

So the four ran away like pansies.

"Whew! That was a close one," sighed Phil, wiping the sweat from his little goaty brow. "That was Cerberus, guardian of the Underworld. Herc should be able to handle him, but for plot conveniences, maybe not. This looks bad..."

"Wait, I read about this in my Literature class," Sora said, looking like he was setting what brain he had to work. "And umm... Hercules was the strong guy, right?"

"Well... yes."

"And he was the strongest one ever, right?"

"Yep."

"And he completed some trials for some king, right?"

"Yeah..."

"And then he got married but killed his wife and children in a mad fit of crazy-rage?"

"Umm... I guess..."

"Then he should be able to handle Cerberus just fine!" Sora said. "What does he need _us_ for?"

"Hey look!" said Phil, pointing into the arena. "What's that? Go get it!"

Sora ran off to get whatever it was Phil was talking about. Donald slapped his forehead and Goofy put a hand to his chin, but they followed nonetheless.

They heard a loud yelp from Cerberus as he was once again separated from his tennis ball. Sora kind of felt sorry for him, 'cause he knew what it was like to be kept away from something so precious as your chew-toy...

Some time earlier...

"Sora," his mom said in a desparate way. "Please... Please let go of the ball, for your family and friends..."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sora said, right before shoving the tennis ball into his mouth.

Riku scoffed. "You little dork-wad!" he said, "Just let it go!"

"You're driving us _crazy_, Sora!" Kairi complained.

"Noff," Sora said in a muffled sort of way.

His mother and his friends glared at him for a moment, before Riku swatted him on the back, causing Sora to gag and spit the ball out.

"Noooo!" cried Sora, going after it, but he was held back by his jacket's hood.

Back to the present...

He was brought back to reality as Hercules suddenly and unexpectedly fell to the ground.

'Twas then that Cloud, who had been slung over his shoulder like some kind of burlap sack, woke up. He glanced around, then noticed the hand on his ass. "Oh, God, not again..." he muttered bitterly.

"Kid!" shouted Phil from his place in the stands. "Two words of advice: Attack!"

"That's one word, Mr. Goat!" replied the boy in confusion.

"Just shut up before Hades throws the ball towards you!" Phil warned, then scampered off to avoid the large fire balls Cerberus had started coughing up.

"What should we do?" Goofy asked.

"We should kick its canine posterior, of course," Donald said as if it were obvious.

"Gawrsh, that sounds kinda uncomfortable..."

"Oh, you're a dog, right."

"Yeah we should," Sora said, whipping out the Keyblade from thin air. "And then we'll... Oh my God, Donald, I can understand you!"

Suddenly, Goofy was hit in the head with a tennis ball that looked like it was on its last leg. Even though, geometrically, any spherical object should by no means have a 'leg'. Oh well, it's kind of a metaphor. "Gawrsh..."

It landed right in between the three.

And up bounded Cerberus, growling and snarling.

"Oh, poo," Sora said, looking a little annoyed and scared at the same time.

To make a long and boring story short...

"Well, though it was unlikely that you, a teenage kid, could beat the large, ferocious, almost-impossible-to-beat-even-by-Hercules-in-the-movie Guardian of the Underworld when even Hercules, the strongest man alive, could not," Phil started, then took a deep breath, "I now dub thee junior heroes, and confer upon thee full rights and privelages to participate in the games. Furthermore--"

"Hey!" said Donald in protest and/or defiance. But that's already been used. "What do you mean 'junior heroes'?"

"I should think it would be obvious," Phil said. "But you rookies still don't understand what it takes to be a true hero. Come back in another 'hundred levels and fight Lance Bass, and then we'll talk."

"So, what does it take?" Goofy asked.

"...I just said... Um, you know what? Never mind. Herc, you dish out your helpful faux-life lesson starter."

"Well, that's something you'll have to find out for yourselves," Hercules said, flipping the curl of hair out of his face with a flick of his neck and putting his fists on his hips, striking a pose. "Like the way that I did."

"No problem!" Sora said. "I'll just go about like a fool in the games, gaining point upon point of experience with every foe who falls before me, and eventually gain enough experience points so that I might reach the next level--"

"There ain't gonna be games for a while," the goat-man told him. "Gotta clean up the arena after that last battle."

"Okay, we'll be back."

"Are you never unenthusiastic?" Donald asked him.

"I learned a long time ago that the glass looks half-full," Sora said. "What with my dad walking out on us shortly after I was born, my mom going through a lot of therapy when I was young, then going into debt for all the drugs she did while she was still pregnant with me, and then the people at the Child Abuse Agency trying to rip me from her arms even though I was so emotionally attached to her and she was totally over everything that had happened and finally she mooched off her parents until we had enough money to buy our house in the middle of a humble, drug-free town, I had no choice but to adapt and look on the brighter side of things."

"Good Lord, your sure had a lousy life."

"Eh, I'm a SquareEnix character, what can I say?" Sora said.

"Well... and you sound an awful lot like an original character."

"What were we talking about?"

And so Donald, Goofy, and Sora left the lobby.

"I still can't believe how very original-character-like he was when he faced Cerberus..." Phil admitted.

"Just between you an' me," Hercules said quietly, "I had already worn Cerberus down by the time the little guy took over. I mean... I might've had that very androgynous-looking man slung over my shoulder, but I still kicked that thing's butt."

"My lips are sealed."

They both chuckled conspiratorially for a few moments, reflecting on how horrible this chapter was.

Meanwhile...

Sora looked over his poorly-made Hero License. Instead of looking very official, it was just a piece of marble that had been carved ever-so-badly into a rectangular object, and then had his name carved on it under the words 'Hero License'.

"You think he wouldn't have been such a mean old goat about it," he said.

"Who cares?" Donald asked, finally asking the question we've all had on our minds since the very beginning of this parody.

Sora looked up, spotting Cloud on the steps opposite to the ones they'd just walked off of.

"Hey, are you all right?" Sora asked him.

Cloud, although looking contemplative, twitched. "...Yeah..."

"So why were you so easily suckered into working with him?" said Sora.

The man was silent for a moment. "I'm looking for someone," he said, "Hades promised to help. I tried to exploit the powers of darkness, but it backfired." With that, he stood up. "I fell into darkness, and couldn't find the light."

"Well that was rather stupid of you."

Cloud raised an eyebrow.

"B-but I'm sure you'll find it," Sora stuttered. "I'm searching for it, too."

"For your light?" Cloud asked, sounding uninterested, which he...probably was. "Don't lose sight of it."

Sora then received the Sonic Blade ability.

"How about a rematch sometime?" Sora asked. "With no giant dogs to rain the fires of Hell on our parade, a fair-and-square match?"

Cloud smirked. "I think I'll pass," he said as if it were a joke.

When both parties had gone, Hades appeared rather suddenly in the dirt-pit that is the entrance.

And for some reason, he had the image of Hercules in his hand.

"He's strong, he's kind," he muttered. "He's always there for you, and he's handsome to boot. He's perfect. Perfect." He paused for a moment, then had a James Woods wave of rage and turned red. "HE'S PERFECTLY INFURIATING!" he screamed like a man on steroids. "He makes me_ CRAZY_!" He returned to his blue self a second later. "Wait a minute... What am I talking about? All the pieces are in place. Gotta relax..." He took a deep breath. "Here's what you do: Let Hercules train the kid. In the next games, you can take care of them _both_."

He looked to his left, noticing that Maleficent was just kind of standing there.

"Oh, you didn't hear that, did you?" Hades asked, looking angry again but not red. "Anyway, who invited you to the party? Stay out of this. This is _my_ show."

"As you wish," Maleficent said passively. "Fight to your heart's content."

TO BE CONTINUED!


	5. BANANA plus a Very Special FF Parody

"Well, we didn't do much Farceless fightin' in that last world," Goofy said.

"Yeah, but we didn't see... Yes we did!" Sora said, suddenly remembering that they indeed had fought many Farceless. Heck, even the author forgot just then. "We fought hoardes upon hoardes of them! I remember it all like it was yesterday..."

Before he could have a flashback, Donald interrupted: "It was twenty minutes ago, you idiot."

"Oh, yeah..."

The three were back on their Gummi Ship. Well, I should say 'Disney-owned-and-funded Gummi Ship', but that would ruin it. ...Darn.

Goofy, who had had his nose pressed against the glass, turned to the two. "Gawrsh, Donald, maybe the King's there!" He pointed at the chunk of land that was floating around, which looked like a bunch of trees, a boat, and a camp.

Donald glared at it. "In a backwater place like _that_? You know and I know that Mickey-farkin'-Mouse doesn't go to mosquito-infested jungles. Let's go."

Sora hit the glass with a loud 'thud'. "Hold on! Riku and Kairi might be there! Let's just check it out!"

"Forget it! If you've already forgotten, we're on an important mission," Donald said, crossing his arms.

"Just land!"

"NO."

"Come on!" whined Sora.

"Aw, phooey!" said Donald, going to slap the boy and knock some sense into him.

But it was too late. "How do you land this thing?" he asked Goofy, who was politely telling him what did what and what it took to sit in 'the Donald Chair'.

"Don't touch that!" squawked Donald right before an alarm started blaring and red lights flashed. A cartoony-looking PA system started rambling.

"Warning. The 'Land But Will Not Guarentee Safety or Limbs' Button has been pressed. The ship will now commence to land but we will not guarentee your saftey or that all of your limbs will be intact."

Donald grimaced, slapping his face against the window, just as the ship started careening out of control.

_Some time later..._

Sora landed face-first in a dark, abandoned treehouse. "Owww..." he groaned, sitting up. "My head..." He looked up, only to see a piece of wood impaled on a long spike of his hair. "Ooh... Donald? Goofy?" He enjoyed the silence, but had to get his priorities straight before he could start a-questin' right now. "Okay, what did I learn in the boy scouts?" He thought for a moment. "...Assess the situation, right..." Looking around, he stated, "I appear to be in a house... in a tree," he leaned out a broken window, somehow not getting nasty glass wounds in the process. "It is apparently some wacky 'tree-house' hybrid. But what to call it...?"

His 'assessment' of the 'situation' was interrupted as Sabor the Leopard leapt majestically from one of the rotted rafters in the upper part of the treehouse.

"...And now there appears to be a large cat--maybe a leopard or a jaguar, or even a cheetah--staring me down in this 'treehouse'." Sabor swiped at his head, taking a large chunk of hair with the claw. "And it also appears that my hair has just been violated." He narrowed his eyes, pointing at the cat while the Keyblade magically appeared in his other hand. "You're goin' down, buddy."

Sabor held out a paw and moved it in a 'bring-it-on' motion.

The two started circling each other.

And they ensued in the most epic battle of all time, beating out the Lord of the Rings, the Chronicles of Narnia, and even Kingdom Hearts II's battle against 1000 Heartless (even though that wasn't that hard) in both epicness and drama.

Just as the two--both bloodied and ready to catch each other off-guard--were about to deliver the final blows to each other, Tarzan came swooping out of the rafters, spear in hand, and kicked Sabor square in the jaw and out a window.

Sora gaped, looking from the window back to Tarzan for a few seconds.

"Sabor, danger," Tarzan grunted.

"Umm... I could have handled that," Sora said, somehow completely healed of his dramatic and epic wounds.

"I could have handled that," the man repeated.

"...Uh, what is this place?" Sora tried.

"This place, this place," Tarzan said.

This guy was starting to wear thin on Sora's already-worn-thin nerves. "Look, buddy, I don't like you and you don't like me..."

"Like me, like you."

"..." Sighing, Sora continued: "Look, I got separated from my friends. Have you seen them?"

"Hmm?"

"Friends..."

"Fonds!"

"...F-R-I-E..."

"F-O-N..."

"FRIENDS."

"Friends!"

"Right, my friends!" said Sora, finally feeling as though he was getting somewhere. "There's two of 'em. The loud one's Donal--"

"Huh?"

And his hopes were shattered that instant. He swore he could hear them shattering like glass. "You know what? Never mind. I'm looking for my friends Riku and Kairi. Riku has silver hair and wears chaps. I think he's gay."

"Look for friends. Gay Riku wears chaps."

Sora laughed. "Right!"

"Kairi, friends?"

At that moment, Sora had a crazy Kairi-hallucination. And he'll have many to come... "Uhh... right..." The Kairi-hallucination walked away, fading out. "...?"

"Friends here," Tarzan grunted.

"REALLY?" Sora said in ALL CAPS like an annoying person.

Tarzan spat out some gibberish/gorilla-speak, then said, "Friends here."

"Not sure I understand... but show me!" Sora demanded like the demanding child he is. "Take me to Riku and Kairi!"

"Tarzan. Tarzan go."

"And I'm... Sora."

"Me Tarzan, you Sora," Tarzan said, pointing to himself and then to Sora.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Sora go too."

_Meanwhile..._

Goofy and Donald were sitting on a rock in the middle of a clearing in the forest. Somehow they'd both survived the Gummi Ship's crash into the ground, which resulted in the ejection of Sora as it had hit the ground (which is why he landed so far away), and much broken glass and many twisted pieces of steel/Gummi blocks.

"Gawrsh," Goofy said, shaking and looking traumatized. "Where are we? I sure hope Sora's okay..."

"Aww, who needs that jerk?" Donald said, looking irate. "That good-for-nothing deserves to die if he went through the windshield 'cause he didn't wear his seat belt." He turned around slowly, coming face-to-face with a gorilla with a freaky 'do. "Huh?"

_Meanwhile..._

Sora could swear he heard a familiar scream as he and Tarzan slid down the tree limbs. As they ended, they were launched off at the tip of one limb.

"I'm too young to die!" Sora screamed, flailing his limbs. Tarzan glanced over at him, as he was swinging on a vine.

The two landed gracefully in the camp, Tarzan leaping nimbly off the vine and Sora doing some weird flip in the air at the last second, landing on his feet. He struck a pose.

_10, 10, 10, 5.5_

"Oh, what a disappointment!"

"It's that bastard crocodile from Fantasia, of course he would give Sora a low score..."

Meanwhile, Sora didn't care and followed Tarzan into a tent.

"Jane!" he said, jumping up and wrapping an arm around Jane and hanging off of her shoulders while Jane cradled him.

"Tarzan!" she replied, giving him a cupcake. He ate it noisily. She looked over at Sora, who was giving them a 'wtf' look. "Oh, and who's this?"

"Um, I'm Sora, it's nice to--"

"Oh! You can speak English," Jane said, sounding relieved. "For a minute there, I thought Tarzan brought home another person who only talked in 'Gorilla-Speak'. Are you here to study the gorillas?"

"Highly doubtful," said Clayton as he entered with Donald and Goofy in cuffs. "I found these two wandering out in the jungle. They're apparently not of the gorilla race."

"Of course we're not, you big--"

"Goofy! Donald!" Sora said.

"Sora!" Goofy said.

Donald and Sora hugged.

The others in the tent stared at them.

"...Oh goodness," Sora muttered. "This is awkward..."

"Yeah..." Donald whispered back.

They pushed each other away and crossed their arms.

"A circus of clowns," chuckled Clayton. "Not much use for hunting gorillas. Or _being hunted_. MWAHA--"

"Mr. Clayton, how many times must I tell you?" Jane giggled. "We're here to _study_ the gorillas; not hunt them. This is research."

Clayton left wordlessly.

"Well, the more the merrier!" Jane said in an up-beat way. "Do make yourselves at home."

"Some home. Well, anyway..." started Sora.

"I'm staying!" he and Donald finished with each other.

"...," said Sora, glaring at Donald.

"Sora, look what we found," Goofy said, changing the subject. "See?" He held out a Gummi block.

"What is it?" Sora was totally stumped on this one.

"It's a Gummi block," Goofy said. "It's the same stuff used to build our ship."

"So?"

"The King could be here," Donald said. "So, we've got to work together to look for him. ...For now."

"Fine. I'll tag along," Sora said, shrugging. "...For now."

Then Sora talked to Jane just for the heck of it. "Apparently, Tarzan was raised in the jungle by gorillas. Communicating with him still isn't easy, but he's learning."

The boy looked confused. "What are you talking about? I saw that movie! He spoke perfectly fine the first hour into it."

"...Moo-vii?" Tarzan tried.

"Umm..."

"'Moving pictures'," Donald explained, crossing his arms.

"Ah. Okay," Jane said, getting it.

"Well anyway, he said my friends Riku and Kairi are here."

"Gay Riku wears chaps!" Tarzan said enthusiastically.

"And he said one word I couldn't understand..." Sora put a hand to his chin in thought.

"Why don't we try this?" Jane said. "We'll show Tarzan some slides and see if any of them match that word. It worked in that musical montage we had as we slowly fell in love, so it's bound to happen again." She looked around the tent, Tarzan still hanging off of her. "Oh, what happened to the slides?"

Somehow, Goofy magically had them in his pockets so the author didn't have to go through the trouble of remembering where each and every one of them were. And it saved you, the reader, a long and boring side-quest to read. So the three people, the duck, and the dog-type-thing watched the slides. The first one was of a castle.

Not that that matters...

Sora was silent, looking contemplative.

"What's wrong Sora?" asked Jane.

"Huh? Oh... nothing," he said, his eyes darting away from Jane. _This place... looks real familiar-like. But I've never been here in my life..._ _I've never even been off my island!_

After watching the other slides, Jane looked down at Tarzan expectantly. "Well, Tarzan?"

"D'you know where Riku and Kairi are?" Sora asked.

"Gay Riku wears chaps..." Tarzan said sadly, shaking his head.

"Hey, I thought--" Sora started, looking mad.

Clayton suddenly entered. "That leaves just one place." He struck a subtle pose. "Young man, we've been in this jungle for some time now. But we have yet to encounter these friends of yours. I'd bet my fancy safari jacket that they're with the gorillas. But Tarzan refuses to take us to them."

Sora snorted. "Are you crazy? Kairi thinks gorillas are smelly and gross!"

"Really, Mr. Clayton," Jane said, ignoring Sora. "Tarzan wouldn't hide something like tha--"

"Take us to the gorillas, Tarzan," Clayton said, producing a banana from his safari jacket's pocket. Tarzan eyed it. "Go-ril-las."

"Ba-na-na," Tarzan said.

"...Go-ril-las..."

Tarzan looked to Sora, knowing full well that he (Tarzan) would take the banana anyway, but he needed a second opinion on this one. Too bad for him that his second opinion is a _teenage boy who only cares about himself and his own personal gain._

Sora nodded. "Take us to the gorillas, Tarzan!" he said, smiling.

"Tarzan, are you sure?" Jane asked.

"Tarzan want banana," Tarzan said, scratching his head. "Tarzan go see Kerchak."

"Kerchak?"

"He must be the leader," Clayton assumed. "Perfect. I'll come with you, as an... escort. After all, the jungle is a dangerous place." Then he smiled widely. "MWAHAHA--"

But Sora and his buddies (now comprised of Goofy and Tarzan, since Donald kinda sucks) were already out of the tent.

"Oh, how rude!"

_Meanwhile..._

As Sora went out into the large camp, he looked around. It felt like something was watching them. Something... _familiar_. His head snapped to the right, where Sabor was glaring at him from behind the table.

"_You_..." Sora whispered, his eyes narrowed. He took the Keyblade out from behind his back. "So you're back."

Sabor snarled at him.

"Oh, I've been ready!"

"Gawrsh, do you know him?" Goofy asked, smiling obliviously. "It's nice ta meet ya!" He waved at the leopard, who growled back.

"Sabor, dan--" Tarzan started, brandishing his spear and preparing himself to leap at Sabor.

"No!" Sora said, thwacking Tarzan in the chest with the Keyblade. "This is my fight! I can do this alone..." He turned to face Sabor. "My hair will be avenged, you feline scum!"

Sabor roared, pouncing. Sora let out a mighty Xena battlecry, holding the Keyblade up and the cat crashed down upon him.

One cracked pelvis later, Sabor limped away and Sora stood up, in much pain. Oh, Sora can't win _all the time_. Especially not in a parody. ...Or in a fanfic written by somebody who likes Riku. (Not that _I _do, mind you.)

"Oh my God, my pelvis!" Sora said, looking like he was going to cry. He sniffled, then leaned down and picked up a nickel. "_A nickel..._" He didn't say anything for a minute. "Oh I'm suffering too much to enjoy this moment--"

Goofy used a potion on Sora, healing him.

"A nickel!"

"Gawrsh..." sighed Goofy, an irritated expression on his face. He shook his head in slight-disappointment.

_Some time later..._

Tarzan was talking to the silverback Kerchak. "(Kerchak, please listen to me. I know the nesting grounds are secret, but I trust them. You see, I want to help them because... because... well, they need us.)"

"(No, Tarzan)," Kerchak replied. "(They are not one of us. They are forbidden. I mean... would we really invite a duck into our nesting grounds? I think not.)"

"(But Kerchak)--"

"(No! My decision is final. Take them back to where they came.)" With that, Kerchak and his fellow gorillas went off into the greenery.

"Did you get that?" Goofy whispered to Donald, who had been standing there the whole time.

"Nope."

_He seemed sorta distracted by something,_ Goofy thought.

_Was he looking toward the treehouse?_ thought Donald.

Sora glared at both of them. "Oh, no! I'm not going back ther--"

_Some time later..._

Clayton was lining up his shot on Terk, who was playing with a globe and not noticing him like a fool. She spun it around.

"(Oh, I sure wish all my buds were here to have a jam-session with me. It was so fun last time)," she said, reminiscing.

"That's it," Clayton said, chuckling. "Play my pretty, play... Be ignorant to the fact that there's somebody who's going to kill you standing right here, only about four feet away from you. Be ignorant to the fact that your brains will be splattered against the wall behind you. Be ignorant to the fact that--"

He was suddenly jumped upon and his eyes were covered.

"Guess who?" Donald asked.

"...," said Clayton, unamused. He pushed Donald off and onto the old floor below. He looked around, noticing that the gorilla was no longer there. He cursed under his breath and glared back at Donald, who was dusting his sleeves off.

"What's the big idea?" Donald asked with an authoritative scowl.

Tarzan spotted Kerchak and Terk leaving.

"(Kerchak, wait!)" he called after the gorilla.

But 'twas too late. The gorillas had left. Tarzan sighed dejectedly.

"You don't understand," Clayton said in an unconvincing way. He muttered out of the side of his mouth, "I was only trying to kill it..."

"What was that?" Sora asked.

"...That leopard from earlier was outside the window, and it looked hungry. So I was merely trying to save the gorilla's life. Though who would want to save Rosie O'Donnell, I haven't the slightest idea."

"Well maybe they appreciated her acting, you ever think of that?" Sora said sternly.

"That's not the point," Clayton said. "The point is, I saved the gorilla. And that's all there is to it. And without any musical montage, either."

Tarzan narrowed his eyes at Clayton, but Sora shrugged.

"Sounds convincing enough!" he decided, smiling obliviously. "Come on, guys! Let's go back to the camp."

_Some time later..._

"So Sabor was _really_ there threatening that gorilla's life?" Sora asked, suspicious.

Clayton shifted his eyes around. "...If it was that leopard, then yes." He smirked at the sight of Sora's eyebrows raising up a little. "Ah. Why do you ask? Some vendetta we don't know about?"

"Well, it's a long story," said the boy. "Y'see, some time ago I met Sabor, in the very treehouse we were in only moments ago. Anyway, as I was valiantly trying to assess my situation and surroundings like I'd learned in the boy scouts, the fiend jumped down from his perch, hoping for a meal of fresh Sora. Then, as he went to take off my head, I did a crazy Trinity dodge and narrowly missed my face being clawed. Instead he got my hair. So it's been on since I faced him in the treehouse."

Of course this sounded very cool to Sora and to anybody who might be listening, but to Clayton it sounded just like a made-up story about... fictional stuff. Clayton chuckled.

"How deep does this hatred run?"

"He broke my freakin' hip!" Sora replied, looking extremely hurt as he remembered the pain. "I'll never forget that and I'll never forgive him!"

"Gawrsh, Sora, I thought he broke yer pelvis," Goofy said.

"A pelvis _is_ your hip(s), dumb-nut," Donald said grumpily.

"Oh yeah..."

Clayton suddenly looked up, as a slight motion in the underbrush had caught his eye. "Oh my, what's that?" he said, pointing at it.

Sora's head whipped over to where he was pointing, and Clayton ran off.

Sabor stalked out of the brush, his lips pulled back in a mean snarl. He was low to the ground, his tail flicking. He was going to pounce.

"Oh my goodness how dramatic!" the author said, but was unheard since this isn't about _her_ and she's a loser for thinking that she could put this sentence in here. The bitch.

The Keyblade once again appeared in Sora's hand, and they were at it for a third time.

The battle took them to many locales, most notably a New York City bus, subway, and they even fought on top of the Empire State Building.

Sora glared down at Sabor as the cat hung on for dear life above the Hudson Bay. For a moment Sora pitied him, the cat glaring up at him and growling. Suddenly, Sabor threw up the small container with yellow tape that read 'SEAL' over and over again in large, bold, black letters. Sora swiped at it with the Keyblade and watched as it flew off, the top of it sliding off from where it had been sliced.

Sabor smirked, leaping up suddenly and catching the container as it fell. He cradled it close before taking something out of it, letting the box go, and then pushed it into his chest. For a moment he felt faint, then he looked up at Sora, a crazy glint in his eye. "Welcome to my Reunion," he said, smiling.

Sora, sensing the danger, leapt from his place on the bridge. Everything seemed to slow down as he watched Sabor land on a platform in the middle of the river (wtf). He landed on his feet, then rose up on two paws and held his front paws up as if to hold something. Then Sora came down with much force on the very spot, and in a flash Sabor stood there no more.

The young man looked on in horror as his worst nightmare had taken Sabor's place.

"It's been a long time, Sora," said Sephiroth.

Sora gaped in amazement and/or some form of fear. Sephiroth! After these two years, how was he...?

Suddenly a bolt of lightning hit Sephiroth and he reverted back to Sabor and scampered off. Sora fell ungracefully on his butt in the grass and dirt of the cliff area in the jungle.

"That was weird," he said, standing up and dusting himself off. "I could've just sworn I was in that one really good movie I saw last week."

"Was it Disney-related?" Donald asked.

"...No."

"Then don't waste your breath. We've gotta get back to the camp."

Sora remembered the lightning all of a sudden. "Wait a minute... Donald! That was my fight-to-the-death!"

"But Sabor's not dead," Goofy said, scratching his head in confusion.

_Some time later..._

Jane gasped loudly, Tarzan around her neck once more. "Mr. Clayton! How could you? After I told you _not_ to hunt the gorillas!"

"But he was just helping this one, ma'am," Sora said.

"Sora, he came and admitted to me that he tried to kill a gorilla," Jane said. "That and Tarzan said so, too."

"Now Ms. Porter," Clayton said suavely. "I told you, I was _not_ aiming at that gorilla. I was merely aiming at this young lad's eternal rival."

"Yeah!" He turned to Clayton. "But just for the record, he's _mine_. You can go kill other, less-important-to-me leopards, 'kay?"

"Neh."

"You are not to go near the gorillas again, you hear?" Jane said scoldingly, pointing at him.

"What? After one mishap? But I--"

Everybody but Sora glared at him. Sora just kinda gave him a 'well you tried your best' look. So the lower half of his face was smiling but the upper half was looking worried.

Clayton snorted and left the tent, bitter.

"What am I doing with these idiots?" he asked himself. "I'm a Disney villain for God's sake. I can do better than this! I'll just call upon my legions to help me hunt down the remaining gorillas." He took a bottle of some kind of liquor out of his pocket and went to unscrew the cap, but something behind him made a loud noise.

_Meanwhile..._

_BANG!_

"And that's what it would sound like if I were to fire a gun," Sora said. "Of course, the sound would be muffled by whoever I was killing's body and/or organs and/or bones, but I'm sure it would sound pretty big and scary."

"What a marvelous demonstration!" Jane said, smiling and clapping.

"Aww, shucks. 'S'just my science project," Sora chuckled. He was silent for a moment. "Oh, right... I was supposed to go to school today, but... but..." He looked close to tears. "My island's gone!"

_BANG!_

"Sora, get your sound effects under control," Donald snapped at him.

"Erm... that wasn't me," Sora replied awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

The three (Sora, Donald, and Goofy) stared at each other for a moment before running out of the tent, Tarzan following close behind.

"Farceless!" Sora gasped dramatically, the Keyblade appearing from the Void. One hit him in the eye with something they'd shot out of a slingshot. "Oh! Owww! Darn it all!" He backed up in shock, only to slip on a banana peel and land heavily on his back, some of his munny falling around him. "Oooh..."

"Get up, you pansy!" Donald said, helping him up.

"Garwsh," Goofy sighed dreamily.

"Shut up, Goofy..."

And oh, a gorilla was in the middle of this chaos.

"We've gotta help it!" Sora shouted. He pointed the Keyblade valiantly ahead of him, but then whined and ran off as the monkey-lookin' Farceless chased him with their slingshots and banana peels. "Run away!" he shouted, running away.

Donald and Goofy managed to beat the Farceless by themselves while Sora was being a pansy.

And for some reason, they helped save four more gorillas, though the author cannot for the life of her remember this part of the game. Eh. 'S'probably 'cause she doesn't really like the Tarzan movie all that much.

BUT LONG STORY SHORT! Donald, Goofy, and Sora somehow beat the Farceless and returned to the tent.

"I do hope Mr. Clayton's safe," Jane sighed.

"Don't worry," Sora said reassuringly, smiling. "He's got a gun--I doubt anybody that capable and well-armed would be killed so easily."

So then they left the tent, and as they entered the outside of the camp, a gunshot rang out from the direction of the bamboo thicket. So guess where they're going now!

_A few seconds later..._

"It's Clayton's alcohol!" Sora said, picking up the bottle on the rock in the center. "So where did he go?"

"Beats me," Donald said, shrugging.

A roar made Sora looked up. On the other side of the thicket was Sabor.

The two glared at each other from the different sides of the thicket.

"Well, Sabor," sighed Sora. "This is it. This is the last battle."

"Roar," replied Sabor.

"Why do I fight? Ha. I fight because I have friends to avenge and things to be taken care of. And you?"

"Roar."

"Ah, a valiant one yourself... But none of that is important. What is important is that I kill you. Then my hair will be able to rest peacefully in its watery grave."

"Roar."

"I do too have the guts! You're chicken yourself, running off every time I'm distracted," Sora scolded. "So don't think you're any better than me, y'hear?"

"Roar."

"Hmm, you hold a good point. But you killed my hair--the hair that I was unable to save, and I was right there to save it but I didn't do anything--and for that I have to... I have to beat you to lay my sins to rest."

"Roar."

"Don't you tell me to shut up!"

"Roar."

"Okay, yeah, I guess you're right. That was an awfully long one-sided conversation. So have at you, beast!"

With that, they leapt at each other. Then a long, drawn-out battle began, and Sora came out the victor, gaining the White Fang item.

"That sub-plot was annoying and pointless," Donald told him. "So let's get back on track, hmm?"

"Hey!" Sora said loudly, pointing at Donald. He was silent for a moment. "...Shut up."

_Meanwhile..._

Terk ran into the tent, and hooked herself onto Jane. They both looked on in horror as something (coughFarcelesscough) approached.

_Un-meanwhile..._

"Well, we're three-fourths done with this world," Donald said, consulting the strategy guide. "So now all we have to do is fight--"

Sora snatched it away from him. "A book! Oh my goodness, I haven't read one of these in the longest of times!" He squinted, trying to read the text: "_Far-ce-less_ _a-re b-ad..._ I don't get it."

Then, for lack of better jokes and/or material, they entered the tent in the camp. Instead of Tarzan jumping into Jane's arms, Tarzan gasped at the lack of Jane's presence.

"Gasp! Jane gone!" he gasped.

"Where'd she go?" Sora asked, helplessly glancing around and under tables and such. He checked in a pot. "Jane? You in there? ...Jane?" He sat the lid back down. "Oh, no..."

Tarzan started making weird sounds.

"What's wrong, Tarzan?" asked Goofy.

"Something coming," he grunted. "Jane danger! Bird friends say Jane near treehouse!"

"Away!" Sora said valiantly, pointing the Keyblade onward. They all charged out of the tent and into the jungle.

_Some time later..._

Sora staggered to the area where Jane and Terk were being held captive. He collapsed to the ground, gasping for breath. Goofy, Donald, and Tarzan were behind him, Donald and Goofy wiping the sweat from their brows and panting, but Tarzan looked determinedly ahead of them. Sora coughed.

"Good Lord..." he gasped. "I'm never doing that again... I haven't... I haven't run like that since... since I was chased by a skunk!"

"Why was it chasing you?" asked Donald, fanning himself off with his hat.

"Kairi told me not to poke it with a five-foot stick, but I did anyway just to make myself look cool," he admitted, breathing heavily.

"You just don't listen, do you?"

"Tarzan!" called Jane. "Destroy the big black fruit thing and we'll be freed! Free, free as the wind blows, free as the grass grow--"

To make matters worse, a bunch of Farceless decided to show up at that instant to instigate a fight.

_If you can't guess..._

Jane held onto Tarzan once more. "Mr. Clayton came into the tent, intent on doing something horrible to the gorilla and me, but then I saw that he just wanted to kidnap us. And then..." She sighed, a worried look on her face. "That's the last thing I remember. I passed out after being pistol-whipped in the forehead."

"Ouch," Sora said, wincing.

"Gorillas in danger," Tarzan said suddenly. He got down on the ground. "Gorillas trapped. Terk ran."

"Wait, Clayton?" Sora said. He looked extremely betrayed. "I told all my deepest secrets to him, though!"

_Some time earlier..._

"...and then that gay fool Riku decided that he'd get all up on my case and said he was gonna take Kairi to the eighth-grade prom _last_ year," Sora griped to Clayton, who was absentmindedly spying on the gorillas. "But then I said 'oh no you ain't', and he was like 'oh yes I am!' And that started the biggest fight I've ever been in, which took me across the whole island. Then we fought in our respective rowboats, and then we got off on our little island that we go on to play and junk and we fought _there_..."

"Yes, very interesting," Clayton said.

"...until I finally convinced Kairi that Riku was gay and that she should turn to me whenever she needed somebody's shoulder to lean on when she should happen to cry," he continued. "Then she gave me a 'double-yoo-tee-eff' look and then I said, 'I mean, if you should ever need somebody to talk to'. Well then she gave me _another_ weird look, so I said, 'If you should ever need somebody to talk about Riku behind his back with'. And then we came to the mutual agreement that that was the most sensical statement, so we forgot the whole first part of that conversation. Except the Riku being gay part." He chuckled, rubbing his hands together. "Myes..."

"You're very childish and naïve, aren't you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I'm evil."

"...I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. See, there's this interesting flower over there that opens _only_ if you cast Thunder on it, and..."

_Back to now..._

"I can't believe how stupid I was," Sora said, hanging his head in shame.

"Me neither," scoffed Donald.

Sora gave him a look. "Gee, thanks, Donald."

Suddenly, they came across the gorillas surrounded by a small group of Farceless and Clayton.

Just as Sora was about to beat the living snot out of Clayton, Tarzan put his spear down, stood up tall, and took a deep breath. Then he called his animal friends with his mighty Tarzan battlecry, beating his chest with his fists.

A group of African elephants stampeded through the cliffs, the gorillas pushing the Farceless out of the way and retreating into the trees and such as the packiderms came. However, the Farceless and Clayton were turned into mush at the end of the tirade. Sora, Donald, and Goofy stared on in shock and slight horror at the bloody mess that had been their enemies only moments ago.

Goofy fainted from the sight of so much bodily fluid, Donald crossed his arms and looked disgusted, and Sora chuckled nervously, shifting his eyes around.

"Well that makes our job easier!" he said in a high-pitched voice, looking like he was going to barf.

"Tarzan help," Tarzan said proudly.

(PS- Sora learned Cure right about here)

Then Kerchak came out of nowhere and threw Sora and his buds (sans Tarzan) up a cliff that, until he goes to a world later in the game/fic, will be hard as hell to scale for him alone. Tarzan jumped up with them. So then they marched along into the waterfall area, where they climbed some _more_ cliffs until they were all tuckered out, and then they came across the prettiest area in the whole game. Or not, whatever.

And now there they stood, behind waterfalls. Everyone who wasn't dead (minus gorillas but plus Terk) was standing there, looking around in wonderment.

"Tarzan, home," Tarzan said. He said his random gorilla gibberish again.

"This is your home? But that means..." said Sora as if he had great deductive reasoning.

"Huh?" asked Goofy.

"The waterfalls..." said Jane quietly. "They're echoing all the way here."

Tarzan grunted and said his gibberish. "Friends there. See friends."

"Oh, now I've got it!" Jane said, smiling slyly. "(insert gorilla here) means 'humor!'"

There was a stunned silence.

"How do you figure?" Sora asked. "I was guessing somewhere along the lines of 'heart', but man..."

"Humor..."

"Umm..."

"Friends, same humor. Clayton, lose humor. No humor, no make friends laugh."

Sora turned to Donald, apologetic looks on their faces.

"Er, sorry about what I said earlier," Sora muttered.

"Yeah, and sorry about that hug," Donald replied.

Goofy put his hands on each's shoulder. "Aww, you love each other!"

"Goofy you sick son of a--" started Sora, but was interrupted as the Keyblade appeared in his hand and a Keyhole outline appeared nearby in the wall. He did some flashy move and sealed Deep Jungle.

Donald leaned down and picked up a Gummi block. "It's a Gummi!" he said, stating the obvious.

"But that don't look like the King's," Goofy said.

Terk pulled Donald into a hug. He started struggling and squawking. "No! Nonononono! I'm practically married!" he said quickly, but Terk only tightened her grip around the duck.

"Oh, love," sighed Jane. "What a sweet emotion..."

Everybody then laughed at Donald's expense.

Jafar stroked his beard in thought. "So what, exactly, drew the Farceless to that world? The scenery? West Nile Virus?"

"The hunter drew them there," said Maleficent with a grim smirk. "His taste of bad humor was the bait. But it seems that the bait was too tasty for its own good." She suddenly rolled her eyes. "Good Lord... 'too tasty for its own good'? I thought we were Disney, not 'Badpunsney'. Er, anyway. Yes. Right, that's it."

Oogie Boogie laughed, holding his gut as it jiggled. "Yeah, he got stomped instead!"

"Shut up! Just shut up!" Maleficent said sternly.

"A weak-humored fool like him stood no chance against the Farceless," said Jafar, heeding Maleficent. "But the boy is a problem. He found a Keyhole..."

"Fear not," said the dark fairy, having calmed down. "It will take him ages to hunt down the rest..."

They all laughed maniacally again.

"Besides," said Maleficent as they watched the image of Sora and Pals(tm) on the Plate of All-Knowingness, "he remains blissfully unaware of our _other_ plan."

"Yes, the princesses," Oogie said, rubbing his little potato-sack-stubs together menacingly.

"They are falling into our hands, one by one..."

Alice's image appeared on the Plate of All-Knowingness.

"Speaking of which..."

Some time later...

"Sorry Tarzan, but we've gotta get going," Sora said, looking desparate to get off this crazy jungle-world.

"Where is your ship, anyway?" Jane asked, probably interested.

"Oh, it's not far off," Donald said. He started waddling away.

"Sora, Tarzan, friends," Tarzan said warmly. He smiled at Sora, and Sora smiled at him. They held the gaze for a moment, both probably thinking about their other friends or, in Tarzan's case, a banana. It was all very touching. Then Tarzan gave Sora the Jungle King key chain. What he was doing with it is beyond me.

"Aww, thanks," Sora said.

"Gay Riku wears chaps," Tarzan said.

"Yeah," laughed the boy.

"Come on, Sora!" Goofy called back to him.

"Bye Tarzan!"

TO BE CONTINUED!


	6. Ms Sora

Sora looked contemplative, sitting at his seat in the Gummi Ship. "That Gummi block that appeared when I sealed the jungle... It's not like the others. Wonder what it's used for." He was silent for a moment, eyeing it and examining it critically. "Well... There's only _one way_ to find out!" With a crazy glint in his eye, he went to stick it in some hole in the ship.

Donald jumped on him at the last moment. "No, you idiot! Down! Put that down!"

"Gawrsh, maybe Leon'll know," Goofy said, steering the Gummi ship towards Traverse Town and listening to his dance music. 'Cause Goofy likes dance music now, I guess... "Because he sure does look like a person who'd know about a lot of stuff. A-hyuck."

"I'm the main character!" Sora said, shoving Donald to the floor. "So I say that I get to see what it's used for!"

"I say it goes right up your a--"

"Say, Sora," Goofy said conversationally. Is that even a word? _Conversationally..._ "How come your hair is its wholeness once again, even after it was mangled by that Sabor fella?"

Sora chuckled as if he weren't fighting off Donald's attempts at snatching the Gummi from him. "Well, Goofy, that's a very good question. You see, many authors in the fanfiction-type business are far too stupid and have far too short attention spans to deal with something as irksome as _continuity_. So apparently, that's what we're experiencing: A continuity error. Kind of like the Balto movies."

"Oh, I get'cha."

Just then, Donald managed to put Sora in the sleeper hold and Sora passed out. The duck panted, catching his breath for a moment, then returned to his seat. Several feathers were missing on several parts of his body.

"Gawrsh, what happened to you?"

"That... that little... URGH! He's so aggravating!" nagged Donald, ripping some more feathers out. "Why did the key choose _him_? Why couldn't it have chosen a soft-spoken, calm, collected person? A person who's wise beyond his years. One who's not afraid to wear androgynous clothes that further add to his natural androgyny?"

"Gawrsh, but Sora's just like that, Donald!"

"So he is. But did you not catch the stuff about the being wise beyond his years? You know, everything I said before I mentioned androgyny?"

"Well, yeah. But with my selective hearing I only heard the word 'androgyny'."

"Curse you, Walt Disney!"

_Traverse Town (Keyhole)_

"So, you found the Keyhole," Squall said thoughtfully.

"Yup!" said Sora, having regained consciousness after Donald had slapped him around a bit a few minutes earlier. He looked somewhat disoriented. "After fighting large, strange monkey-beasts that flung banana peels around and meeting some guy who only wore a loincloth, the Keyblade sealed it automatically."

"Good," said Aeris, who was standing nearby.

They (being Sora, Donald, Goofy, Squall, and Aeris) were standing in the Secret Waterway, which isn't so secret anymore.

"Every world among the stars has a Keyhole," Squall went on explaining. "And each one leads to the creamy, soft, tasty core of the world, which holds the humor of its residents. You see, when somebody is born, a small portion of humor--at first neutral--is given to the new person. Then, when somebody dies, the humor returns to the core. When it returns to the planet, it takes its past experiences--the good and the bad jokes--and shares those experiences with the other bits of humor. Think of it kind of like Final Fantasy VII's Lifestream except without the drama. But the Farceless are disrupting that and making more Farceless by feeding off the bad humor, thus creating an imbalance."

Sora thought this over. "But the imbalance would be for the _good_ humor, would it not?" Sora said.

"Well, yeah."

"So wouldn't that be a good thing?"

"Yes, but if everybody in the world had good humor, Sora," Aeris said gently, "then nobody would be funny anymore, and the Farceless would feed off the once-good humor. Even the best of jokes get old after a while. In the end, when the humor is spent, the world... disappears... It was all in Ansem's report, by the way."

"_Anyway_," said Squall impatiently. "There's probably a Keyhole in this town, too. So go look for it and... and stuff."

"Please lock every Keyhole you come across," Aeris said.

"I dunno..." the boy said.

"You could probably gain some form of higher thinking and possibly better physics grades if you saw other worlds," Squall suggested, remembering his time in Balamb when he'd failed his whole eighth-grade physics course. That had been a bitter year indeed...

"Yeah, it'll be fun," Donald said unenthusiastically.

"We could find your friends," said Goofy. "And King Mickey, too!"

"Well I can't argue with that," Sora said. "Okay! Let's go, guys." He suddenly stopped. "Oh, right. Hey, Leon? D'you know what this Gummi block is for?" He fished in his pocket for a moment, then produced the Gummi.

Squall looked at it, not saying a word.

"Ask Cid, he should know," Aeris said for him.

"Wait," Squall said. "Before you do that, take this." He handed over a stone that was shiny and... orange. "This stone holds some mysterious power. Or so I assume. I don't really know, I just found it. Anyway, I've been carrying it for luck. And for some sudden reason, I feel the need that I should give it to you. So yeah. Go have fun with it."

The boy looked it over, and, while he was captivated by its luster, he couldn't help but wonder aloud, "How do you use it?"

But Squall didn't reply.

_Some time later..._

"Well, well, well, if it ain't Sora!" Cid said, smiling. "What'd ya come here for today, kid?"

"We found this Gummi block, Uncle Cid!" Sora said, handing over the Gummi with a big, oblivious smile on his face. "Could you tell us what kind it is?"

"Sure, why not?" Chuckling, Cid looked it over. "Well I'll be censored by Disney! It's a Navigation Gummi. Or a Navi-G, I guess." He rubbed his slightly hairy chin. "D'ya ever notice that I'm a lot friendlier in this story than I am in the game...?"

"What are you talking about Uncle Cid? You crazy."

"Anyway, you want one fer your ship, right?"

"Well it would be nice..." Donald said, staring at the floor shyly.

"Okay. But first I need you to do a pointless sidequest that won't be so pointless later on. See, this old guy with a long beard came by with this book--" He heaved the book onto the counter. It was a good thousand pages long and looked like it could pass off as an old, leather-bound collection of Shakespeare's works. "--and asked me to fix it up fer him. Now I'm just a pilot/semi-astronaut/Gummi retailer, so I don't know much 'bout fixin' no books. But ten hours and three rolls of duct tape later and I had this baby patched up enough to be sold at a cheap bookstore." He patted it. "So after all that trouble, think you could go and deliver it back to him fer me? Come on. Fer Uncle Cid."

"...," said Sora, deeply considering it. "Uhhh... suuuure. Why not?" He grimaced as Cid handed it to him, almost knocking him to the ground. "We'll uhh, have it delivered in no time!" he squeaked, then walked out of the store, slightly off-balanced because of the heavy book.

But before he could get all the way out of the store, a bell rang and a great shaking occurred. Oh dear. He lost his balance completely and fell to the ground, the book landing on his stomach.

"My vital organs!" he rasped, making a very pained face.

"What was that?" Donald asked, ignoring Sora's pleas for help and Goofy's grunts in his attempt to get the book off the crushed adolescent.

"Oh, that? That was just the bell down at the gizmo shop. Go check it out of you want, but that book needs to be delivered, 'kay? Okay. So go deliver it." He pulled out a shot-gun from behind the counter. "'Else that ol' fart's not ever gonna get it back."

"I'm free!" Sora said, hopping up from his horrendous internal injuries, seeming unscathed for the most part. "But now how am I going to explain to Mom why I cough up blood?" He did so as if to simply demonstrate it.

"For some reason, I don't think even Regen'll help you," Donald said as if he were the doctor telling Sora he only had six months to live. Now that I think about it, he probably only has about one week. "So let's get going before your liver collapses or something!"

Sora doubled over. "Oh, I think it just did..."

_Some time and a trip to the Emergency Room later..._

"So how you feelin', Sora?" Cid asked.

"Almost 100-percent better!" Sora said. "All of my new organs are from that fat guy who stands outside of your shop! I think he died, but I could be wrong. Oh, and for some reason one of my scars looks like the perfect portrait of the cast of _Friends_!" He showed off the scar right over his heart and chuckled warmly. "Ah, the cast of a late-evening ABC show... You'll always have a place, right there."

"Stop talkin' to your deformed and horrid self and get the durn book delivered!"

"Yes, Uncle Cid!"

_Some time later..._

The trio entered the old building. It wasn't really an 'old building' so much as it was an 'old, dark, cavern that was surrounded by darkness'. 'And water'. Sora squinted, not able to see his hand even when he stuck it over his face.

"This place is so... dark!" he said, stumbling about.

"There's water in here, Sora," Donald warned. "And some moving stone platforms (for some reason). So be careful."

"'Careful' is my middle name!"

"...What?"

"Yup! Sora 'Careful' Jones!"

"Your last name is Jones?"

"No. I don't know what my last name is. Mom won't tell me."

"And I assume 'careful' isn't really your middle name?"

"Nope. It's--"

Before he could reveal his probably-embarrassing middle name, he looked up ahead. Then, for some reason, he leapt across from the ground to a moving platform, getting on it perfectly. He smiled and chuckled.

"...," said Donald. "What a goofball..."

"Gawrsh, that used to be _my_ nickname..." Goofy said dreamily, seeming to go off into a flashback.

But Donald pulled him across the water. He was a duck, after all. He had the best swimming skills of the three of them. Or one would assume, right? Right.

After a couple of minutes and much platforming, Sora reached the house in the back of the cavern.

"A house?" Sora asked, confused.

"So it seems," Donald said.

As they entered, Hallucination-Kairi showed up. "There's something about this musty place..." she said, looking around. "It's kind of like the secret place back home, huh?"

"Kairi?" Sora asked. He rubbed his eyes, and then she was gone. "Am I going crazy?"

"I think you've _been_ crazy, personally."

"Shut up, Donald!"

"Well, well," chuckled a man with a very long beard and who could fit right in at a Harry Potter convention. "You've arrived a lot sooner than I expected."

"Who are you, Mr. Old Guy?" Sora asked. "And how did you know we were coming?"

"Why, I am Merlin. Merlin Oldguy," Merlin said, taking off his hat and bowing politely. He straightened back up, replacing his hat. Sora gained a 'wtf' look. "And I knew you were coming because I saw you out the window." He pointed towards the front window, where there was a very clear view of most of the cavern, including the mouth.

"Are you a... a Farceless?"

"Young man, do I _look_ like a Farceless to you?" Merlin asked, putting his face in Sora's...face.

"Not really..."

"You are a sorceror, Harry!" Merlin suddenly said, chuckling and holding his gut as he laughed.

"_What_?"

"Oh, sorry. I mean, I'm a sorceror. I spend most of my time traveling. Seeing sights is nice, but it's good to be home. Your King has requested my help."

"King Mickey?" Goofy asked.

"Mickey? Who's Mickey? I was talking about King Arthur!"

"..." Goofy glanced at Donald, then at Sora, looking very confused.

"Yes, indeed," Merlin said. "King Mickey. Donald, Goofy. And who's this lovely young lady?"

"I'm not a girl."

"...And who might you be, young man?"

"I'm Sora."

"Ah, so you've found the key."

"What did the King ask you to do?" Donald asked him.

"Give me a minute," Merlin grumbled, stepping up onto the platform in the middle of the room and taking a wand and bag out of his beard. "Now, would you like to see what's in this bag?"

"N-n... Not really," Sora admitted.

"Oh... r-really? Because I was expecting you to say 'yes' so I could do the wave of the wand thing and... I was going to open it anyway." Merlin sounded very disappointed.

"Um... sorry."

"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings," Sora muttered apologetically.

"Huh? You didn't hurt my feelings at all, boy."

"...I didn't?"

"Nope. I just wanted to show off. Anyway... PRESTO!" With a wave of the wand and a flick of his wrist (er, same thing, so what?), Merlin opened the bag and a bunch of things flew out, totally redecorating his house to look like a beach cabana. There was even a shark's jaw mounted by the door. "There. Now (ahem), your King asked me to train the weilder of the key in the arts of magic. And I can see he needs much training."

Sora looked up from shocking an ant with Thunder but missing and setting one of Merlin's books on fire.

"..." Merlin turned to Donald and Goofy. "We can start whenever you two feel like it. I don't really trust the kid."

"Nobody should," Donald whispered back, making sure Sora hadn't heard.

"Let me know when you're ready to begin," Merlin continued. "Oh, and one more thing... BOY, are you listening?"

Sora jumped in surprise but nodded.

"That carriage is more than it seems. Just go up to it and touch it or something. You kids sure do seem to like touching things nowadays anyway."

"We sure do!" With that, Sora turned to the carriage and gave it a big poke in the side.

The Fairy Godmother appeared, a cup of coffee in hand. "Merlin! It's about time you got home you old fa--Why, hello young sir!" She laughed nervously. "I'm the Fairy Godmother. Your King asked me to help, as well. I'll assist you on your journey, sure."

"Who's this?" Sora asked, looking at Merlin questioningly.

Merlin grumbled. "That's my wife. She says she's the Fairy Godmother, but her name's really--"

"By Cinderella's glass slippers, I am the Fairy Godmother!"

"I don't know how much help we'll be, but stop by anytime you feel like having a spot of tea, Harry."

"Sora."

"Right, whatever."

Sora was just about to leave, before he spun around. "Oh yeah! We were asked to bring this big ol' book to the old house. Is this the old house?"

"Ah, my book. It's in better condition than it has been in years. You know, despite the duct tape everywhere. And even though I've only had it for a few months. Anyway, I don't really know what kind of book this is..."

Sora looked at the table of contents. His eyebrows shot up. "Hey! I had a copy of this book when I was ten or so years old! I think it's The Adventures of Winnie the P--"

"Nope, I couldn't have any idea about what kind of book this could possibly be. I guess I'll just put it somewhere in here for now. This book probably holds many secrets, but then, I could be mistaken about that. And it sure is missing a lot of pages. I bet if you find them, you'll uncover its valuable and possibly deadly secrets. But for now we'll never know."

"Erm... it's about a little stuffed bear and his buddies frolicking in a--"

"But for now we'll never know," Merlin said sternly.

"Umm... okay."

"And about that stone you have that I somehow know about," Merlin said, "talk to my wife. I mean... The _Fairy Godmother_..." He rolled his eyes at the Fairy Godmother.

Sora stared at Merlin for a moment before holding the stone out for the Fairy Godmother to see. "D'you know what it does, Mrs. Oldguy?"

"Of course I do! I'm the Fairy Godmother," she said matter-of-factly. She picked it up and looked at it from every angle. "Hmm... Poor dear. He's been turned into a Summon Gem."

"...What?"

"This godforsaken creature lived in a world that was destroyed when the Farceless stole the comic stylings of the indombitable pair of a meerkat and a warthog," Fairy Godmother said, somewhat forlorn-sounding. "When a world is destroyed, its inhabitants disappear with it. But this one had a strong sense of humor, so he was saved."

"Will he... ever be himself again?" Sora asked.

"Well step back and just watch," the Fairy Godmother told him. She waved her wand. "Bibbity bobbity boo!"

Nothing happened to the gem. But for some reason, Sora learned the summon spell Simba.

"Whenever you call, he will come and help you," she said. "If you find any more of these, just bring them to me. Don't worry, once their worlds are restored, they'll return home. Please help them. Even though you're only a stupid kid."

"Don't worry, I'll try," Sora said reassuringly.

So then Sora was leaving. Except Merlin wasn't really going to have that.

"Go see Cid before going anywhere else, mm-kay?"

_Some time later..._

"Now do either of you know where Cid lives?" Sora asked Donald and Goofy. They were huddled in a corner of the Third District, trying not to look suspicious or attract attention from the Farceless.

"We were too busy taking you to the only hospital in the game, which was all the way in Deep Jungle," Donald said. He looked mad.

"Gawrsh, he said he'd be in the house in the Third District!" said Goofy.

"Oh. Well which one?"

"How am I supposed ta know? Gawrsh, it's always 'where does who live, Goofy', 'which way did they go, Goofy'... I'm gettin' sick of hearin' all that stuff. When are you going to rely on Donald for once? A-hyuck?"

"Goofy... are you okay?"

"There's only one house in the whole district, and that's over there," Donald said, pointing. "So if you two are done, let's go."

And so they walked, but apparently a Farceless was right there. It leapt at them, but was killed as who else but Riku should... kill it.

"GASP! Riku?" Sora gasped.

"There you are," Riku said calmly. "I've been looking everywhere for you. You're a pain to keep up with."

"And you're a pain just to be around," Sora retorted, glaring at him.

They both gave each other nasty looks, but then laughed.

"It's really you!" Sora said happily.

"Yep."

Sora's face fell. "Wait... Where's Kairi?"

"Huh? She isn't with you?"

"Nope."

"Oh... Well, we shouldn't worry. I'm sure she's all right. She probably made it off the island, too. I bet she's looking for us right now."

"You're pretty optomistic."

"Don't go cutting yourself, now."

"..."

"...That was in horrible taste, I know."

"..."

"I'm sorry."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Just say something!"

"You're a moron."

"Takes one to know one, idiot."

"Stupid."

"Fool."

"N00b."

"Dumb-a--"

"Mama's boy."

"GASP! Don't you dare!"

"Yo' mama."

"Stop it! Stop it right now!"

"Ooh, does Sora miss his mommy?"

"Shut up!"

"Hey, hey, stop it," Donald said.

Riku raised an eyebrow, having noticed either Disney character right then. "Who are they?"

"Oh, they're Donald and Goofy. I actually made friends when _I_ was ripped off the only home I'd ever known. Unlike you, you friendless, friendless person, you."

"...Big words, Sora." Riku smirked. "But we'll all be together again soon. Just leave everything to me. I know this place like the front of my hand."

"Then do you know there's a Farceless behind you?"

"Eh. Maybe. Is there?"

"Yeah," admitted Sora, looking somewhat sheepish. "I wasn't gonna tell you, but it just..." He thwacked it on the head, subsequently killing it. "Erm, anyway! I've been looking for you and Kairi with their help. They're paid to smile, so it's been kind of fun. We've visited like... three worlds but I say that's a lot of trouble to go through to look for you. Kairi... I could look forever!"

"I know you like her and she likes you, but could you not rub it in please?" Riku asked him quietly. "I have issues about that."

"Oh I know. I just don't care all that much."

"You'll care in Chain of Memories!"

"GASP! You've been doing what all characters in our situation do!" Sora gasped. He pulled the script from out of nowhere (from behind his back) and waved it around. "YOU'VE BEEN READING THE SCRIPT!"

"Yeah, it is a pretty big cliché, isn't it? But the author felt it necessary to use the joke."

"She's such a bitch."

"Oh I know."

"I hate her so much."

"Let's get back on track, 'kay? Your new buddies may be getting paid to play along, but we're not. I don't have the time to create a blooper reel."

At this, Sora and Riku broke the fourth wall by looking at the computer screen/camera/what have you.

They both cleared their throats and resumed the scene.

"Really? I never would've guessed," Riku said, looking a bit impressed.

"Yup! And Sora's the Keyblade master now," Goofy said, smiling like a moron. "Who'd o' thunk?"

"Not me..." Riku mumbled.

"What was that?" Sora asked.

"Nothing."

"Anyway..." Sora turned to Goofy for a good scolding. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"So this is a Keyblade, huh?"

Sora spun around, only to nearly jump out of his big shoes upon seeing Riku holding _his_ (Sora's not Riku's) Keyblade in one hand, looking it over. Sora fainted.

"What's his deal?"

Donald and Goofy shrugged.

Sora hopped up. "Hey, give it back!" He held out an expectant hand.

Riku backed up, smirking. Then he tossed it at Sora. "Catch!"

Of course Sora caught it. He's not a _total_ loser.

"Gee, thanks for throwing it at me."

"You're welcome."

"So you're coming with us, right? We don't have anything cool, but we do have the _Little Einsteins_ rocket."

"No, he can't come!" Donald snapped suddenly.

"What? Why not?"

"He just can't, okay?"

"Oh come on! He's my best friend ev... no, wait. He's my friend!"

"And I don't care."

"Gawrsh, he's gone," Goofy said to change the subject.

Sora turned around and, indeed, Riku had gone away. "Aww, man..." He snapped his fingers and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"Gee, I'm sorry. If I'd known you would've been so torn up over not having him come with us--"

"No, no, I'm angry and sad that Kairi isn't anywhere to be found."

"...Ah."

So then they went to that little house that needed re-decorating. Of course I've never mentioned this before, but still. It was there.

And this time, it was re-decorated. (BUM-BUM-BUUUUUM!)

Cid looked at them, rubbing his fuzzy chin. "Hey, you guys ever hear of Maleficent? I hear she's in town."

"You mean the evil lady fro--"

"Who's she?" Donald asked, pushing Sora to the ground.

"She's a witch! And a durn evil one, too."

"Aren't most witches evil?" Sora asked, getting up and glaring at Donald.

"Glinda's not!" Aeris said diztily from her side of the house, where she and Yuffie were standing by the only bed. Hmmm. I wonder why there's only _one_ bed? They probably couldn't afford another one.

Everyone in the house (sans herself) stared at her. "...What?"

"Aeris, I knew you were kinda girly and flirtatious, but let's get you off the pills that keep you alive, huh?" Squall suggested from where he was leaning against the wall. He sure does that an awful lot. "I think they're turning you into... a Rikku."

Every Final Fantasy character kinda muttered to themselves about how that wasn't really all that bad.

"...I mean X-2 Rikku."

Their eyes bugged out in shock and horror.

"Anyway!" Cid said, irate.

Squall cleared his throat. "She's the reason why this town is full of Farceless. Don't take her lightly."

"Oh, yeah, Sora's always the one who takes people lightly, is that it?" Sora asked, crossing his arms and giving Squall a _look_.

"Well you are kind of overly-trusting and naïve. And a little arrogant. And hyper. And any other flaw I can think of that a child would possess."

Sora threw his hands into the air. "Why don't we stereotype everybody in here while we're at it? Sora's a child! Aeris is a semi-ditz! Yuffie's a ninja! Cid's a chain-smoker! Leon's a bast--"

Aeris decided to interrupt for the well-being of every person present, human or not. "She's been using the Farceless for years!"

"She's the reason why our world is gone..." Squall said, his eyes narrowed in bitterness. And hate. And loathing. And maybe hunger.

"One day, a swarm of Farceless came and took over," Cid said.

"That was... nine years ago," Squall said. Even though you know and I know that he has to be like... twenty-six in this game to make THAT work. And he probably knows it, too.

"Yeah yeah, anyway. I got out of that mess and came here with these guys."

"Unfortunately, many of our loved-ones were lost in the ensuing chaos," Yuffie said cryptically. "I mean that both as a means to ease the pain welling up inside of us at the mere mention of their deaths, and the fact that we indeed actually lost some people on our way here in Cid's airship."

"Yeah. Tifa threw herself overboard," Cid said. "All 'cause Cloud went mad in a fit of crazy-rage and murdered Vincent, then stole the guy's identity," Cid continued.

"What was that all about?"

"I think he got screwed up in the drug ring again."

"...You mean the Jenova Cells, right? That's what you were talking about... right?"

"...Maybe."

"That's awful!" said Donald at their tale of misery and woe.

"Our ruler was a wise man named Ansem," Squall said. "He dedicated his misbegotten studies to researching the Farceless. All of this will be slowly and pain-stakingly revealed to you over the course of this, the next, and the last parts of this... this... I don't want to call it a 'game', but it just seems that way, doesn't it?"

"Or a big parody for the sake of bad, tasteless humor," Sora said.

They all looked up thoughtfully.

This chapter's really long. Are you still reading it? You sure you don't want to take a bathroom break right now? I mean... seriously. It's like... fourteen pages long already. And I'm barely into it. So go get a snack or something, okay?

You done? Got your snack? Gone to the bathroom? Good.

Let's continue.

"Ansem's report should tell us how to get rid of the Farceless," Cid said ten minutes ago. Hey, you're the one who decided to do all the stuff I suggested, not me!

"So where is this report?" Sora asked.

"...Did we not already discuss this?" Aeris asked, looking confused.

"No, no, that was with _us_," Donald told her.

"Oh, right."

"Its pages scattered when our world was engulfed in bad humor."

"That was... pretty dramatic," Sora commented.

"Thank you, I've been working on my drama."

"I'm sure Maleficent's got most of the pages," Cid said, tired of being ignored.

_Meanwhile..._

"See, young Padawan? Your 'friend'--" Maleficent used the quotation-finger thingies. "--no longer cares for you. You saw the look on his face when he was talking to the duck. I mean, he got new friends. And one of them is a duck. You can't compete against that."

Riku looked at his shoes disappointedly. Then he looked back into the house.

_What Riku Saw There..._

"Ah, I see you've delivered the book," Cid noticed outloud. He tossed a Navi-G piece at Sora and the author is having trouble wording this sentence the right way. "Now you can jump to worlds you've already visited. Think of it as the airship system of Final Fantasy X. Except without me there to nag at you in a southern accent. Welp, better be gettin' back to m'real job." He was silent for a second. "What's my real job? Well, you'll find out. Just come to the First District."

"For some reason, I suspect that it is a very dirty job."

"Oh, yes. Stuff gets everywhere."

"And fluids are involved?"

"You could say that..."

"And does it involve 'chassees' of any sort?"

"All the models!"

"Er... I'm afraid to ask what it is now. But you are a sick man."

"What are you talking about? I work on Gummi ships, you little pervert!"

"...Well. Just forget that little bit of innuendo, hmm?"

"Pfft. Whatever. You little weirdo."

And with that, Cid left, muttering to himself about how into sex the younger generations were nowadays and how bad parents were not blocking that stuff from their vulnerable kiddies. Though I'm sure Sora has no idea what sex is or if he even knew what he was talking about.

"Sora, what was the deal with that little bit of... Disney-inappropriate dialogue?"

"...Huh? Oh, I don't know, I just thought I was being witty."

"...You're a moron," Donald said, looking bitter and angry. "'Sides, a kid like you doesn't need to know about that stuff."

"Okay."

And then we got off the subject. Yay!

Aeris looked kind of worried, so Sora walked over to her.

"I've been thinking about that bell in the Second District..." she said.

"You mean the one that rang a while ago?"

"...That was a week ago."

"Really? Was I gone that long?"

"No. We just haven't had anything to act out for a whole week."

"Ah."

"Yeah, the bell above the Gizmo Shop," Yuffie said, having been standing right there the whole time. "There's a legend about it, you know."

"But it's all boarded up, and nobody can get in there."

"I'm sure with his spontaneous nature, he's already out the door and on his way to break wood that we as tax-payers have provided the money for," Squall said from across the room.

Aeris and Yuffie looked at where Sora and his pals should've been. But instead, there was empty room.

Indeed, Sora had gone about the time Aeris said 'boarded up', and probably hadn't heard the 'nobody can get in there' part. Because really? He could care less. And so could you, and the author, and anybody else somebody could name off at random.

After much Farceless-exterminating and using a Trinity move to break the cheap, rotted boards, Sora, Donald, and Goofy stared at the bell.

"So, erm... what do we do now?" Sora asked, looking to his friends for support.

Goofy and Donald shrugged.

Sora turned back to the bell. Then he smiled like an idiot and rung it once...

_DONG..._

...twice...

_DONG_...

...twice-and-a-half...

_DONG(1/2)..._

...(annoying statement goes here)...

_ANNOY..._

...thrice.

_DONG!_

And then they stood there for a moment. Sora's face fell and he looked around expectantly. "Geez, you ring three times and still nobody answers the door?"

His Disney compadrés gave him odd looks.

"I mean, the NERVE of some people!"

"Sora... there is no door. That's not a door-bell."

"Don't you think I know that?"

"Gawrsh, somebody's really bipolar."

"What are you talking about, Goofy? I do _not_ have two poles." He was about to make his point, when he noticed that there was a keyhole-shaped hole in the courtyard below. Sora leapt from the top of the building. Donald and Goofy stared at the place he'd previously occupied, eyes wide.

"Gawrsh..." Goofy said, taking his hat off and placing it over his heart. "He was a brave lil' Mouskateer. A-a... (sniffle) A-_hyuck!_" He started sobbing into his hat.

"Oh, you goof! He's still alive. He's standing right down there." Donald pointed down at the ground, where Sora was looking under various objects to see if either of his buddies (not Riku and Kairi... well, maybe) were there.

"...Oh." Goofy replaced his hat and straightened his vest. "A-hyuck. Let's go, then, shall we? Gawrsh."

"Age before beauty."

"Gawrsh, Donald! But you'd go before me."

"...," said Donald. He shoved Goofy off the side and followed shortly after.

_A few minutes later..._

"You know..." Sora started as they walked toward Traverse Town's Keyhole. "...When I first met you guys, I thought you were both really crazy and dumb."

"And that's how we felt about you," Donald said under his breath.

"But then I got to know you a little, and all I can say is..." He looked up, a thoughtful expression on his face. "...my opinion of you hasn't changed all that much."

"It's probably because you're not that dynamic. When are you going to start going through life-changing experiences?"

"Yeah, but you haven't known me that long. I used to be like... a real retard. Now I'm all world-savvy and stuff."

"Sure you are."

"No, no, I am! Before I was competing with Riku to see who could do what fastest, or who could do the coolest thing, or who could dress the best!"

_I'm sure you won that one_, Donald thought, but knew better than to say so lest he start an unecessary five-page argument/rant/nobody's victory.

"But now I have a goal that doesn't consist of me trying to knock Riku off the swings at the playground, or me trying to beat Riku on a little island, or me tyring to beat Riku in a race, or me trying to get him to stop trying to hold my hand!"

Then the author realized that she'd forgotten that joke and she'd meant to insert it in that scene way back when with Riku. She felt horribly bad and started beating herself up.

And nobody gives a crap. (Neither does the author.)

"And that goal is?"

"To find my friends and/or defeat the evil welling up inside every world, all the while learning an important life-lesson from all of this...somehow..." He trailed off awkwardly and gave an embarrassed grin, and they finally reached the Keyhole after about a whole page of doing so. "Welp! Time to seal another--"

CLANK.

"--clank? What?"

The Guard Armor (the one from before, 'member?) had tumbled down from on high and landed in a ginormigantuan heap in front of them. It immediately picked itself up, all of its pieces connecting like some horrible, giant, evil, sinister Kinnex kind of thing. The helmet rolled into place as its Boss Theme picked up.

"I thought we got rid of that thing," Sora whispered to Donald and Goofy.

"Well gawrsh, I guess we didn't," Goofy said.

A loud metallic sound made them all look up, only to see that the Guard Armor was tapping a giant Rolex watch that was attached to its wrist, the giant clawlike finger's tip clicking impatiently. It also tapped its food against the ground to emphasize its point.

"Okay, okay, hold your horses," grumbled Donald.

Then they fought to the death. But the Guard Armor wouldn't go down that easily this time, so it collapsed to the ground and reassembled as something even more horrifying and weird-looking than before:

It turned upside-down.

Except its head pretty much stayed on top of it. Anyway, what I mean is that its whole body swung around, the wide end up where its head went, and its arms and legs kind of reversed positions. So now it stood on talon-looking things and had lobster claws for arms/hands.

So now it looked retarded.

Sora laughed at it, only to nearly be shot by the big ball of whitish-blue energy it had launched because now it was not only a giant boss--it was a giant cannon. Sora chased after the thing when it was aiming, but only succeeded in making it back up at high speeds.

It took its final aim; Sora's HP meter (along with Donald and Goofy's) was nearly finished. It would be the only Farceless to beat him, so it would have something to brag about to its friends.

_CRASH!_

Sora stopped all of a sudden. The Opposite Armor (as it now was dubbed) was a big pile of metal once again. It didn't twitch or anything, either. After a few moments of just kind of lying there, it finally disappeared, and the humor that powered it returned to wherever it is that it goes.

Donald furrowed his brow. "Did it just run into a wall?"

"...Yup."

"Well I guess it was a good idea for you to just blindly charge it, unlike how I thought that it would be rather stupid of you."

"I wasn't even paying attention to where it was going..."

"Don't give yourself too much credit, Sora. We helped, too."

"I wasn't! I was stating a fact. They _did_ teach me something in the first eight grades, you know."

"Just seal the Keyhole before something else pops up."

"Okay, okay, keep your pants on," Sora grumbled, despite the fact that Donald didn't wear pants and we all know that. So after that flashy move he used the two previous times, he sealed the Traverse Town Keyhole! Yippee-yay.

_Some time later..._

"Cid said his real job was in the First District," Sora said.

"Yes, and you were told this in a rather tasteless way," Donald replied. "You were horrible."

"I know..."

They were walking in the First District from the Second District's door. Immediately thereafter, they entered the Accessory Shop and found a small wooden boy huddled in a corner by the counter.

"I know what he does!" Sora exclaimed excitedly. "He sells children for hard labor!"

Donald slapped him with his wizardin' staff.

"Well, well, tan my hide and call me Molly, if it isn't Pinocchio!" Jiminy said happily, hopping out of Sora's hair and onto the counter. Pinocchio looked up.

"Oh. Hi, Jiminy," Pinocchio said rather unenthusiastically.

"What in the Wonderful World of Disney are you doing down there?"

"Um..." He thought fast. Or as fast as a puppet could think. "Playing hide-and-seek."

"Well I'm glad you're okay, Pinocchio," Jiminy said sincerely. "Here I was, worried about nothing! You look fine to me. No splinters or anything. Why, if I had to guess, you haven't been... PINOCCHIO!"

He said 'Pinocchio' in ALL CAPS because at that instant, Pinocchio's nose nearly skewered him. I mean, it would have if it were sharp and not a blunt object jutting from a small boy's face.

"Ehmigod!" said Sora like some rich chick in this book the author read because she had nothing better to do.

"Oh poot," said Pinocchio, looking irritated.

"Pinocchio, are you telling the truth?" Jiminy asked. He got into an authoritative pose, putting his hands on his hips and giving Pinocchio a _look_. "What have I told you about lying, young puppet?"

"But I'm _not_ lying, Jiminy!"

"Then tell me..." Jiminy pulled the box out from behind Pinocchio's back with much effort. "What in the Sam Hill is this?"

"It was a present," Pinocchio said quickly.

"No fibbing! I told you that lies grow and grow, 'til they get so farfetched that you're bound to get caught! Plain as the nose on your face."

"But why wait? If you really want something, why not just take it?"

Jiminy nearly fainted from the shock he experienced from hearing that statement. "This isn't Final Fantasy! We can't just barge into people's houses and steal the stuff out of their decorative trunks now, can we?"

Sora shifted his eyes.

"You need some advice from your conscience, aka me."

"You're right, Jiminy..." Pinocchio admitted. He stood up, looking happy. "I'll never tell lies as long as you're around!" With that, his nose returned to normal.

"But you told a lie when we got here," Sora pointed out bluntly.

"What's your point?"

The pre-pubescent boy narrowed his eyes at the puppet.

"You need to be good so you can one day become a real boy," Jiminy said, completely ignoring Sora like we all do. "You promised Geppetto you would be, right?"

"Yes, Jiminy. Oh! Do you know where Father is?"

"Not a clue."

"Jiminy, let's go find Father!"

At this point, Sora grew very annoyed. "You won't become a real boy, Pinocchio," he said, only trying to make himself feel better. "You're a puppet. I doubt you're even supposed to be alive."

"But the Blue Fairy said that if I was good enough, I'd become a real boy!"

"And I bet the Blue Fairy also told you that a cricket wearing a top hat and a gentleman's outfit is your conscience, hmm?"

"Gasp! How did you know?"

"Lucky guess." Even though Jiminy had said so only a few minutes ago.

"Now wait a minute, Pinocchio!" Jiminy said warningly. "There's all sorts of dangers and temptations out there--like money, women, and ultimate power--and you're such an impressionable puppet!"

"How can he move around without a nervous system...?" Sora wondered outloud, but nobody heard him. Or at least, they ignored him. Again.

"I'll go find Geppetto, so you just wait here," Jiminy continued. "These fine fellows will be helping me."

"We will?" Sora asked, zoning in at that moment.

"Well, shall we go, Sora?"

"Don't change the sub--" But it was too late. Jiminy had returned to Sora's hair. "Urgh! When I have the time and resources to fish you out of there, _you're gettin' it_, Cricket!"

"Wanna go pilot the ship, Sora?" Donald sighed.

"You bet your feathered hindquarters I do!" Sora said excitedly. "Gee, Donald, I can't believe you'd let me--"

_Some time later..._

"--sit in your seat. You have no idea how happy this makes me!" He was sitting in 'the Donald Chair', but actually it was his regular seat with the words 'Donald Chair' scribbled on the back of it in black Sharpie. "Where are we goin', huh?"

"To some place whose name I can't pronounce," Goofy said crankily. "_Gawrsh._"

TO BE CONTINUED!


	7. Abu Is Dead

"And the Keyhole?" Maleficent asked quietly and conspiratorially as she was talking with Jafar in Agrabah.

"Despite my living here all my life and my unnatural vizier smarts, I've assigned the Farceless to look for it. They're searching for it as we speak," Jafar said, stroking his beard thoughtfully. "I'm sure we'll find it soon. So that just leaves..."

Gilbert Gottfried the Bird aka Iago flew out of nowhere and landed on Jafar's shoulder. "I have had it UP TO HERE looking for Jasmine! She's avoided me and... ugh, I'm just ready to give up and let the Farceless search for her too! She's disappeared, almost like magic..."

"That girl is more trouble than she's worth. And she's worth a lot..."

"I thought you said you had everything under control," Maleficent asked, a dubious look on her face.

"Agrabah is full of holes for _rats_ to hide in," Jafar said, dismissing it with a wave of his hand. "But why worry about Princess Jasmine? This world will be ours, regardless of whether we capture her or not."

"You fool. We need all seven princesses of farce to open the final door. Any less would be useless, and any more would also be somewhat useless, but not as useless as less than our required number."

"I thought there were only seven?"

"Yes, yes, but there are all those lesser leading female roles in Disney films, like that fish girl or the lioness or even Bambi's cousin who he falls in love with."

"Oh. I see why they weren't included in the whole... what, 'Princess Clique'?"

"Aha. You're hilarious, Jafar. You'll really be making snappy puns when the Farceless swarm you."

Jafar decided that was the right time to get back on the subject they had somehow done a U-turn on. "Well, if she's that important, I _will_ have the Farceless look for her." At that moment, a Farceless showed up. "Look for Princess Jasmine, you know the drill."

And then it left.

"Don't steep yourself in such bad humor too long," Maleficent said warningly but with a sly smirk. "The Farceless consume the tasteless."

Jafar chuckled. "Your concern is touching, but hardly necessary. I have everything under control."

"I'm sure you do."

And Jasmine had watched it all from above, both villains unaware of her presence. I guess nobody looks up anymore.

_And then..._

_Agrabah_

Sora, Donald, and Goofy happened to walk up to her at that exact moment.

"Who's there?" she said. She walked out of her hiding place, approaching them. "I'm Jasmine, my father is the Sultan of Agrabah. Although, now that I think about it, even though you don't look the type to be evil, I really shouldn't reveal my identity so openly."

"...I... I suppose you shouldn't," Sora said in disbelief, surprised that she had caught her own mistake. Yet, she was already trusting them, so it really was rather pointless to dwell on the matter.

"So that makes you a princess?" Goofy guessed.

"Indeed. But he has been disposed of by Jafar, the royal vizier. Who is, incidentally and rather obviously, evil. So now _he_ runs the city instead of my loveable butter-ball of a father."

"Jafar?"

"You haven't heard of him? I just explained it all so... Well, he seized the throne after gaining evil powers somehow, and now rules Agrabah with a skinny iron fist. He's desperately looking for something--something called a "Keyhole." Jafar caught me trying to escape, but he helped me."

"Jafar helped you?" Sora asked, confused.

"...No. We were hiding nearby, but he left to go take care of something. Oh, I hope Aladdin is all right!"

"Aladdin, hmm? Tell me where this street rat is, princess."

"Gasp! Jafar!" Jasmine gasped in shock and surprise.

"Allow me to find you more suitable company, Jasmine; these street rats make you look bad," Jafar chuckled, appearing out of nowhere.

"Jasmine, run!" Sora said, for once concerned about somebody other than...

...(has lost train of thought)

"Sora..." Donald started, looking amazed. "You've... you've really changed all of a sudden. What's up?"

"Nothing's up," Sora said, ignoring Jafar who was currently summoning his Farceless forces to kidnap Jasmine and possibly kill Aladdin and/or Sora's party. He gave Donald a weird look. "I'm just genuinely concerned for her well-being. What, I'm not entitled to that?"

"Well, it's just that up until now you've... you've really never seemed like you care about other people's problems. Of course, you did help Alice with her court problems, and you did help Tarzan's gorilla buddies and you did help Hercules and Cloud... but those have just kind of been obligatory things that anybody could've done with the right resources and such."

"Shut up, Donald. GOSH, we don't have all the time in he world, you know."

So they got back on track!

"Ah, the boy who weilds the key," Jafar said slyly, stroking his beard again.

"You know what? RUN AWAY!"

And away they did run, all the way to Aladdin's house.

UGH, this chapter's so BORING!

Once inside, they moved a big heavy thing off of the Magic Carpet, which subsequently flew off without even a thank-you.

"The carpet flew off to the desert," Donald deduced. Haha. _Deduced..._ "Let's follow it, Sora!"

"Are you crazy? You can't just assume that because a flying rug flew off into the desert means that it's important to the plot! Gosh, that's the stupidest assumption ever, Donald."

"Shut up and follow the Persian rug," Donald spat. "Or else... no... um, what is it you kids like these days?"

"Video games, sugar, making up excuses for WHY on Earth we act like we do... blaming it on television, video games, the Internet, our parents, their parents, school systems, other people, Republicans, gangs, caffeine, sleep deprivation, popular culture, MTV, VH1, bran cereal, the world, rock bands with subliminal messages, among other things. We're just the laziest and rudest generation, it seems. Full of fan-girls who only care about things that involve their favorite characters, and have horrible grammar even though they OBVIOUSLY speak the English language. Hey, why is there such an abundance of sand all of a sudden?"

"Because we brought you onto the carpet, and now we're flying through the desert at a not-that-slow-but-not-that-fast pace."

"Oh."

"Yep. All while you were ranting and pointing out what people say or deny because they're all idiots nowadays."

"Gawrsh, does nobody have common sense anymore?" Goofy asked, looking irritated.

"No! They don't, Goofy," Donald said. "I bet if you just gave some kid a gun, they would shoot their best friend in the foot. Then they'd blame it on their parents or something, saying something like 'the video game made me do it'. The little morons."

"Gawrsh, can nobody take responsibility for their own actions anymore? A-hyuck."

"No. No they cannot, Goofy."

"And while you two were having such a deep conversation, we arrived at the end of the invisible, sand-swept road!" Sora said, pointing at the shift in scenery. It was now night (even though in every other place in Agrabah, it's always during the day) and they spotted somebody being ganged up on by a group of Farceless.

"Gawrsh, not again!"

Oh yeah. They beat them. Why wouldn't they?

"Gosh, where do they keep coming from?" Sora asked as they were surrounded now. "Well, guys... it's been nice knowing you."

"Oh, shut up," Donald said, looking irate. "It's not over 'till it's over. I could probably kill them all with one Thunder spell."

"Stop showing off!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

Suddenly, that one guy mentioned above who was in the quicksand, who is Aladdin and you should know that, managed to free himself from it despite the fact that he was struggling. And when you struggle in quicksand, you sink faster. ...Huh?

He rubbed a lamp he pulled out of nowhere. "Genie! Come to me!"

A blue stream of... smokish-type-stuff came out of the lamp, and from that errupted Genie. "What is it, Al?" he asked enthusiastically.

"Get rid of these guys!" Aladdin shouted, pointing at the Farcelss. "Oh and keep the other guys here though. I think they were trying to help."

"...All you Disney guys do is assume..." Sora muttered to himself, looking extremely troubled.

"Wish Number One, comin' right up!" said Genie as he made it so. The Farceless disappeared with a small 'pop'.

"...Are they gone?" Donald asked.

"Well yes. But I can't kill things dead quite like you guys, so I, well..." Genie chuckled. "I had to send them away to a different world!"

"That's... that's horrible!" no one in particular said.

"Where'd you send 'em?" Sora asked, curious.

"Oh... no where in particular..."

_Meanwhile..._

Andy's bedroom was suddenly overrun with shadows.

"MOMMY!" he screamed, wetting his bed. Not even Woody or Buzz Lightyear could save him _this_ time.

_Un-Meanwhile..._

During that totally unnecessary but oddly fulfilling to the author meanwhile section, Sora had introduced himself and told his long and boring yet somehow interesting (bleh not) story to Aladdin, Genie, and the previously unmentioned and forgotten Abu. Hoho. That silly little monkey.

"Wow... you make my street urchin life seem so... dull compared to all that!" Aladdin said, under the impression that Sora was some kinda wonderful.

Of course he'd probably fed Aladdin LIES, but we all know he's pretty gullible.

"Thanks so much, Sora, Donald, Goofy," Aladdin continued. He was truly grateful for their help.

"So what were you doing out here in the first place, Aladdin?" Sora inquired. 'Asked' is getting boring.

"Same old, same old," Aladdin replied with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Hunting treasure, being the lovable yet obnoxious person I am. Abu and I just paid a visit to the Cave of Wonders, where I found that Magic Carpet--"

Carpet waved a tassle at them.

"--and Genie's lamp. And after Genie's show tune, we escaped our deaths because Abu stole an egg-shaped ruby from a statue of some higher diety or something. I dunno. I wasn't really paying attention, what with all the lava flowing out of every corner of the place. And that's when we met Genie."

"That's... pretty... fun-sounding," Sora said, not really knowing what to say at this point. He had gone a few days without sleep, after all. That messes your brain up. He's not a Disney character, ya know. He needs his rest.

"Legend has it that whoever holds the lamp can summon the--"

"Hold up, Al! Leave the introductions to the professionals," Genie interrupted interruptingly. "I am the one and only Genie-of-the-Lamp!" He did some weird yet slightly funny thing. I dunno. I wasn't paying attention, what with all the more interesting things I could've been doing when I met Aladdin and Genie. "Just give the lamp a rub and I'll pop out like a... something that rhymes with 'rub'!"

"Tch. You aren't Robin Williams. Stop _acting_ like it," said nobody in particular.

"And whoever happens to rub the lamp," Genie continued, ignoring whoever that was, "then they may have _three wishes_. No more. No less. They can't have four, or five, cuz five's right out. And they can't have two, unless they plan on going on to their third wish, which would be the appropriate number of wishes I can grant. Get my drift?"

"Wow," said Donald dreamily, probably wishing for... never mind. "Any wish we want?"

"...While I never said that... yeah, pretty much. But hold on, my fine feathered friend!" He held up a big blue hand in Donald's face. "Yes, but when the wishes are granted and done with... I make like a tree and leaf!"

Of course nobody caught the joke. Because in Agrabah... there are no diciduous trees. Sora just wasn't paying attention. I don't know about Donald and Goofy... they probably heard it like... five billion times before so they found it immensely unfunny.

"Now, Al," coughed Genie uncomfortably. "What about Wish Numbah Two?"

"Hmm... how's about making me a fabulously wealthy prince?" Aladdin suggested.

"Wow, money, power, wealth, FAME," Genie sighed. "Why didn't I think of that? Thirty servants and thirty camels, all loaded with gold! And I'll have your pizza to you in thirty minutes or less, or else it's free! ...But I won't throw in anything."

"You know, I think I'll put that on hold until we reach Agrabah," said Aladdin as if he knew what 'on hold' meant. I mean... he's in the middle of a desert with no phone lines. What are they going to put 'on hold'?

"Er, why a prince, Al?"

"Well... you see, there's this girl... and she just so happens to be a princess. Named Jasmine. Princess Jasmine. She's a princess. And I'm just a... she'll never fall for me, you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," most of them replied truthfully.

"Wait... Princess Jasmine?" Donald suddenly asked.

"Yes."

"Oh, we met her when we first came here!" said Sora, chuckling warmly. Then he stopped chuckling warmly and remembered that she was in grave danger and that they'd left her to die in the streets with Jafar. "She's in trouble, Aladdin!"

"What?" cried Aladdin in surprise.

"Yeah, whoops," Donald mumbled to Goofy, who nodded guiltily.

"What are we doing just standing here, then?" Aladdin hopped on Carpet, ready and rarin' to go save Jasmine. "We've gotta rescue her!"

And thus they all piled onto Carpet and made their way back to Agrabah. Of course, since there were now two people, a duck, a dog, a monkey, and a Genie on Carpet, he was considerably more weighed down and was going at a fraction of the speed that he'd gone when he had first traveled through the desert.

"Ah, fresh air!" Genie said, stretching and almost knocking everybody off.

"Do you not get out much?" Sora asked.

"Nope! To quote me, 'PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER'--" Genie grew to immense proportions, then turned into a tiny version of himself. "--'itty-bitty living space'." He popped back to normal. "It's always the same routine, three wishes and back into the lamp I go. I'm lucky to get out of my mobile home every century or two..."

"Aww," said Sora, genuinely saddened over Genie's tale of misery and woe.

"Say, Genie," Aladdin said out of the blue. "What if I used my last wish to free you? What do you say?"

"You'd do that for me?"

"Genie, it's a promise," said Aladdin in that 'it's a promise' tone. "After we help Jasmine, of course."

"...Are we still not there yet?" Sora asked randomly.

Then they noticed that Carpet had stopped moving and was laying very dead in the middle of the desert. Though I doubt a _magic_ carpet can die.

"Umm... whoops," chuckled Aladdin nervously.

_Some time later..._

"Well, after bringing Carpet back to life with CPR, doing a rain dance half-way through the desert, and somehow not dying of hunger, I think that was one of the most wacky adventures I've ever had," Aladdin admitted as they were finally in his home in Agrabah.

"Yeah, but the poor thing suffered permament brain damage," Sora whispered to him, pointing at Carpet who was currently trying to walk through a wall on the other side of the house.

"Does a carpet even _have_ a brain?" Aladdin asked suspiciously.

"I highly doubt it. But how else could it move about so freely?"

"...I don't know. Maybe because it's a _magic carpet_, hmm? That might have something to do with it?" he suggested obviously.

"Oh. Yeah. Right. That technicality."

"Anyway, back to the matter at hand," Aladdin said, trying to get back on the subject that he was worried about in the first place. "Jafar is looking for Jasmine and the "Keyhole", huh?"

Genie scratched his chin. "Keyhole, eh? I could've sworn I've heard of that somewhere before..."

"Well most doors _do_ have _keyholes_," Sora said matter-of-factly. Because... well... they do.

"Really? Where?" asked Donald, who was, once again, ignoring Sora.

"Now where was it?" Genie asked, ignoring Sora AND Donald. "It's only been 200 years..."

"Ugh, gosh," grumbled Sora.

"Let's go stop Jafar!" Aladdin proclaimed like an eager beaver.

With that, they all ran out of Aladdin's house and into the streets, where Jafar had waited ever-so-patiently for their return and was holding Jasmine by the arm.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Aladdin," Jafar chuckled, using his free hand to... he doesn't have a free hand! Never mind. "Don't you think you're being just a tad unrealistic, BOY? I mean... she's a princess, come on. Crawl back into your hole, street rat. Crawl back and never return."

"Jasmine!" Aladdin called.

"Aladdin!" Jasmine called back. "I'm so sorry! If only I wasn't so predictable like every other girl in the world!"

"Hey... she's right," Sora said thoughtfully. "They all get kidnapped _eventually_."

Luckily, Aladdin just so happened to have the lamp behind his back and he rubbed it. God. He rubbed it good. "Genie, fetch Jasmine for me!" As an afterthought, he added, "Please."

Genie conveniently popped up and saved Jasmine.

"Wow! You're the only person who's ever wished for me to save a girl," Genie said wistfully.

Well this just wasn't going to fly with Jafar. Because at that second, Iago came over, with much effort, lugging the lamp up to Jafar. When the vizier had taken it from Iago, the bird flopped to the ground, tired from the overexertion.

"Mwahaha," chuckled Jafar darkly. The lights dimmed and a flashlight was held up under his face for eerie lighting. "So sorry, BOY, but the Genie of the Lamp is MINE now!" He laughed again, and lightning struck in the background and thunder rumbled even though it was a very dry and clear day. In the middle of the desert.

"I'm sorry, Al," Genie apologized. He poofed off behind Jafar and Jasmine, who was still in the process of being delivered over to Aladdin, fell ungracefully into a pot.

"EEK!" she shrieked, just as the lid was closed and the pot sprouted icky-looking centipeded legs and started hobbling around.

"And now I bid you adieu," said Jafar, though I highly doubt he knows French. "Attack, my pawns!" He raised his arms.

And many other pots decided to make their way into the area. Then they formed some freak giant centipede. Which was, incidentally, called the Pot Centipede. After it was done transforming like Optimus Prime (it even did a rather lengthy and unnecessary sequence including flashing lights and rock music just for dramatic effect, and by the time it was done Sora and his pals had gotten popcorn, sodas, and had set up several recliners in the area and were all settled down), it reared up to show its big freaky mandibles and clicked them together.

It was met with the sound of applause and somebody taking a big and nasty-sounding sip of their soda.

And in turn, this was met with the act of the Pot Centipede swatting them all away with its many legs.

"Argh!" argh'd Sora, landing a few feet away, somewhat dazed from the unexpected attack. In all actuality, it should've been expected because, really? No one's going to let you off the hook if you're acting like a jerk when they try to be cool.

So then, weapons were drawn...

"Hey look! This is my best drawing of a gunblade ever," said Sora, holding up the piece of paper. He and his Disney buds were sitting at one of those PlaySkool plastic tables, and the Pot Centipede had joined them and they were all coloring and/or drawing weapons of mass destruction.

The others looked up from their pictures and smiled and nodded, somewhat impressed.

There was a pause.

"Wait a minute..." said Aladdin suddenly, his eyes narrowing. He looked around the table at all of his associates. "Where's the green crayon?"

Donald handed it to him.

"Oh. Thank you!"

"No problem," said Donald.

There was another pause.

Suddenly, the Pot Centipede screeched and reared up, causing the table to overturn and everybody's paper and drawing materials to be scattered. Everything disappeared about a second later and then there was a big fight.

And wouldn't you know it? The good guys won. As if they weren't going to anyway.

"Jasmine!" Aladdin called frantically, looking around for the princess.

"Looking for _this_?" Jafar asked from somewhere else in the vacinity, holding Jasmine by the arm again. He laughed diabolically and then took his leave.

Aladdin hung his head in grief. Grief at having not been able to save the woman he may have liked. He also hung his head in self-loathing. Because that's dramatic and angsty. He may have also hung his head in (you guessed it) hunger. For he was very hungry being POOR and all. It's not like he can eat every day like a big rich person who just eats whenever they want to. GOSH.

After about five minutes of this, he finally snapped his head up and pointed in some direction. "To the desert!"

"Tch. Gosh. Do you honestly think anything in the _desert_, where it is _dry_ and _lacking in water_, will help us in our quest to _save the princess_?" Sora asked as if trying to use logic. Even though this is a SquareEnix game and, as far as I can tell... SquareEnix games have no logic to them at all.

Who's to say that if Yuna had truly fallen from that cliff, she would've died? She survived leaping off that airship doo-dad when it was possibly hundreds of thousands of miles above the land below. So what made falling from a great height from a cliff and not an airship any different? Hmm? Hmm, I ask?

That and all those crazy cool fight scenes in Advent Children should be evidence enough that Square needs not this thing called 'logic'.

Or possibly physics in general.

"Come on, let's move!" said Aladdin as if he were the main character of Kingdom Hearts. Which he so isn't. Or... IS HE?

Sora was going to protest, but after being left behind for a few minutes, he decided 'what the heck' and followed anyway.

_Some time later..._

After a moment or two of just standing there, there was a great rumbling. A rumbling so great, in fact, that it caused the sands to shift and become a giant tiger head. With earrings.

"I am the Cave of Wonders Guardian," it rumbled. "If you can answer me these questions three, blah-blah-blah-blah side ye see."

After a group exchange of 'wtf' looks, they came to a mutual agreement that they should send Abu just to see what happened. The monkey inched his way over, looking like he was going to wet himself.

"What is your name?" the Guardian asked.

The monkey made a squeaky noise that sounded like 'Abu'.

"What is your quest?"

Abu thought about it for a moment then shrugged.

He was subsequently eaten by the Guardian.

"Holy crap!" yelled some one because in all honesty, the author doesn't feel like making any particular character say that. Why? Because she's feeling picky right now.

Then they were all silent for a moment, scared out of their wits of the Cave of Wonders Guardian. Then Sora was pushed forward to face the Guardian, as he _was_ the main character and all.

"What is your name?"

"Sora."

"What is your quest?"

"Umm... to... find my friends?"

"And what... is your father's maiden name?"

"...Er... My father's maiden name? Would he have one?"

"I don't know, you tell me."

"Hey. You just contradicted yourself."

"So I did."

With that, the Guardian imploded upon itself. How lame. This was totally lame. Gosh. This whole thing is lame.

Luckily, another Guardian came around as if nothing happened (who, incidentally, looked exactly like the first one) and decided to participate in MORTAL COMBAT with Sora and the Gang. And his nonexistant ass was mightily whooped.

"Horjah!" they cheered like the Sailor Scouts, then ran into the Cave of Wonders, which was a lot more wonderful and danger-ridden than in the movie. Of course most of it was just an abyss and if you fell into that abyss... well, you wouldn't be in the same place when you landed, that's for sure.

"You know, I have the most eerie feeling that everything we do is going to be skipped over as though it's not important," Goofy said because he really hasn't said anything in an awful long time.

Everybody else stared at him.

"Goofy! You spoke like a normal person," Donald said, almost brought to joyous tears by this stunning change in the dog-type-thing.

"Gawrsh, Donald, you remind me of a girl, a-hyuck."

"..."

_Some time later..._

Jafar held up the lamp. "Genie! Show me the Keyhole!"

Genie then had an internal battle. But he knew that Jafar was such a nag that he had hardly any time to do so. So instead, he just granted the wish even though Jafar didn't say 'I wish (blahblahblah)'.

Jasmine was laying there like a lump because she was out cold. Da-hurr.

Then Genie revealed the Keyhole to Jafar, because otherwise this would've been the lamest part of this chapter. Not that it already wasn't.

_In the Bat-Cave..._

"Now, when I say the word 'street', you do this," Sora put his hand up and pretended to press the horn of a car. "_Honk honk!_ Got it?"

"What the heck are we doing again?" Donald asked. He, Goofy, and Aladdin were gathered 'round Sora in a semi-circle, all with their legs criss-cross apple-sauce.

"Um... I don't know!" replied the boy, doing a shrug that was too overexaggerated.

The other three hopped up and then they all ran off, killing Farceless and such until they reached where Jafar was.

Maleficent was now in the room with them. She turned and had the most indifferent look on her face ever as she spotted Sora running up like a fool child. "That boy again?"

"He's more annoying than a leech," Jafar grumbled, stroking his beard in irritation. "Why not explain the situation to that boy Riku? Doing so may prove useful to our--"

"Heeeeeeey," Sora said, stopping all of a sudden. "Are you Maleficent?"

Maleficent just disappeared without saying anything. Tch. How rude.

"Jafar, let Jasmine go!" Aladdin yelled at Jafar as if no evil witches had just disappeared from the room.

"I don't think so," Jafar chuckled. "You see, she's a princess--one of seven that will be used to open the door..."

"Open the..." started Donald.

"...Door?" Goofy finished.

"But you fools will not live to see the day," Jafar said. "Genie! My second wish... I wish for you to CRUSH them!"

"Genie NO!" Aladdin said, shielding his face.

"I'm sorry, Al," Genie said apologetically. "The one with the lamp is the one I listen to... and you don't have a lamp so obviously you're not the one I'm listening to."

"Argh!" argh'd someone. Probably Sora.

And then they engaged in mortal combat with Jafar. Genie kind of unenthusiastically floated on the side, hitting them randomly but aiding them as well by dropping life-regenerating orbs of health. Yay! He's not ALL bad.

After a long and boring battle, they walked up to the lump that was Jasmine.

"She's so peaceful..." said Sora.

"Of course! She's asleep," Aladdin said matter-of-factly.

Just then Jafar decided to float in midair because he wanted attention. "Genie!" he said, holding the lamp above his head. "My final wish! I wish to be an all-powerful genie!"

"Oh crap," said the general public.

Unable NOT to grant Jafar's wish, Genie did so, albeit looking like he regretted it greatly. He covered his eyes and started pointing at random things, turning them into all-powerful genies, much to the chagrin of Jafar.

"No, you idiot! Me, turn _me_ into a genie!" Jafar screamed in rage. "By the almighty Cait Sith, turn me into a genie!"

And somewhere along the lines, the author said 'screw this' and left to go eat something. Then she returned. But she couldn't think of anything to write so she spent six hours on-line. So then she returned to the fic again. Alas, she could think of nothing to write. That's why this paragraph is here, to distract you long enough so that I don't have to waste my time writing cheesy dialogue and describing boring fight scenes that I am incapable of writing.

Now back to our regularly-scheduled program...

"Okay, Jafar! Back to your lamp!" Sora said, holding up the lamp expectantly. Jafar sighed and receded into it, giving an unenthusiastic 'aaaar' just to humor him. When that was done, Sora smiled triumphantly. A piece of paper floated down and landed in Sora's other hand. Wait... he's holding the Keyblade in one hand and Jafar's lamp in the other... He doesn't HAVE a free hand! Oh no! So let's say it landed at his feet. "What's that?"

Goofy picked it up and started reading: "Ansem's Report 1. Hmm. Sounds legal."

"You goof! That's what that dead lady was talking about way back when!" Donald yelled at him for no good reason.

They all reminisced and when they were appeased, they got back to the task at hand. Which is what? I don't know.

"Jasmine?" Aladdin asked, looking under a rock. He stood up and looked around, then called, "Jasmine!"

Then the cave started shaking violently. Without any annoying dialogue, they all piled onto Carpet again and took off at the speed of a carpet flying through the air with assorted fictional characters on top of it.

_Some time later..._

"So Jasmine's no longer in Agrabah..." sighed Aladdin, so totally depressed. "Sora, let's go find her."

"I... I don't know how to break it to you, but we can't take you with us, Aladdin," Sora said, truly apologetic.

"Say WHAAAT?" asked Aladdin in a high-pitched voice, his eyes wide.

"We'd be mu..."

"_Meddling_," Donald corrected Goofy before he could even get it wrong. Oh that Donald.

Genie cleared his throat. "Hey, uh, Al. Remember those six little words you're forgetting?"

"What? You mean 'too many anime men are androgynous'?" Sora asked.

"I asked Al, not you," Genie replied. "No. You still have one wish left and you promised that you would set me free. But you could wish for me to search for Jasmine instead, if you want," he added forlornly, striking a pose.

"I wish for your freedom Genie!" Aladdin said.

With that Genie sprouted legs and the cuffs on his arms disappeared into the Void. He stretched.

"Well I guess you're your own master now, Genie," Aladdin sighed to his buddy. "But if you could, could you please go with them and find Jasmine?"

"Like you said, Al, I'm my own master," Genie said, "so I'm not taking orders. But... yeah, favors I'll do."

"So you mean...?"

"Yeah, I wouldn't ever let you down, Al!" He patted Al on the back. "Just leave it to me!"

_Meanwhile..._

Hades let out a low groan that sounded somewhat like a growl. "You know what's sad? That smarmy beard-strokin' vizier could've had those ingrates... if SOMEONE had stuck around long enough to lend him a hand!"

Riku looked indifferent but managed to also look somewhat offended by this statement. "Hey, I did my part. I got the princess, didn't I?"

"Whose idea was it to send an incompetent hormonal teenager on a fetch-quest anyway?" Hades muttered to himself.

"Jafar was too far consumed by his horrible sense of humor," Maleficent said with a very unamused look. "One should be aware of the bad puns one is spouting."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, lighten up. I'm as cool as they come, okay?" Hades chuckled.

"That's exactly what I'm talking about," the witch said in a low voice, rolling her eyes.

Hades turned to Riku. "By the way, kid, have we got something special for you..."

"...w...what?" Riku said, almost speechless. I mean, it wasn't every day that the lord of the underworld told you something quite like THAT.

"We had a deal, yes?" Maleficent asked, smiling. "You helped us, and we grant you your wish..."

The Plate of All-Knowingness showed an image of Kairi. Riku gasped, his eyes bugging out.

"Kairi!" he shouted in surprise.

"Go to her," Maleficent said with a smirk. "Your vessel is waiting."

"Just remember, this is no pleasure cruise," Hook said, appearing out of nowhere and almost scaring the chaps off of Riku.

"What did I say about bad puns? What did I say?"

But Captain Hook ignored the witch. "It won't be a pleasant voyage."

The boy narrowed his eyes. "Wait... why are you doing all this for me? What's the catch?"

"Catch? What catch?" Maleficent asked. She smiled sweetly. "Silly, silly boy. You're like a son to me. I simply want to make you happy." She went to stroke his face.

"Ah, touch me, and face abuse charges," Riku said, holding his hands up. "Besides, I seriously doubt that."

Maleficent pulled her hand back sharply and made one of those generic 'sneering villain' faces. "Believe what you wish, fool child. But lest we forget... I kept my end of the bargain."

TO BE CONTINUED!


	8. Is It A Real Chapter, or A Side Quest?

(Note: Sorry for the late update. I had independent studies and man, I read two books today and wrote reports and... just for me being tardy, I'll put up the Atlantica chapter tonight, too, just for you guys. As a bonus to say "I'm sorry!" I hope you'll forgive me for being late.)

"Sora, please find Jasmine for me," Aladdin demanded before Sora left Agrabah. He had also handed over a key chain for Sora (and what he was doing with it is beyond everyone).

"Awww, c'mon, Donald! Why won't you let me pilot the ship?" Sora asked.

"Luckily I made a list of reasons why you can't," Donald said, then pulled out said list, which was a bunch of papers taped together in a four-foot list of reasons. "One, you're obnoxious. Two, I severely dislike you. Three, I got the wrong impression the first time we met. Four, you willingly returned that hug. Five, you're annoying. Six, your hair is stupid. Seven, so is your style of dress. Eight, you're an idiot. Nine, you get along too well with Goofy. Ten, you're a teenage boy. ...Must I continue?"

"No, no... I think I got the message."

"Good."

So Sora went to looking boredly out of the window. He sighed a few times.

Goofy hummed along to his dance music, hardly noticing the blinking dot that was rapidly approaching their favorite rocket ship.

_DA-DUM..._

Sora squinted at what looked like a big gray rock that was kind of swaying back and forth in the distance. "Hey Donald..."

"Shut up."

_DA-DUM... DA-DUM..._

"But there's this big huge thingy-doodle coming along right behind u--"

"I _said_ 'shut up'."

"Fine..."

_DA-DUM DA-DUM DA-DUM..._

"Goofy, will you turn your Jaws soundtrack off please?" Donald sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Gawrsh, sorry Donald," chuckled Goofy. He pressed the 'stop' button and indeed it stopped. "A-hyuck."

Just then, a big whale swam by.

"Whoa! That's the biggest sp--"

"WHALE," Donald coughed loudly.

"...Yeah, but I was being specific. A s--"

"Don't say it!"

Sora looked very confused. "Whyever not?"

"We're freaking Disney."

"...So?"

Donald pulled out a very large book and heaved it onto a collapsable card table they had for whenever he and/or Goofy got bored and wanted to put the ship on autopilot. The table buckled under the weight but managed to stay up. He then skimmed the table of contents and flipped to a page near the middle. "Zero Tolerance Policy of Disney, page 598, paragraph 4, clause 12... 'Absolutely no inappropriate bodily functions or fluids will be mentioned so long as there are Disney characters to inforce this. There are no exceptions to this and you will be terminated if you are too... 'suggestive'.'" He slammed the book shut and gah-LARED at Sora.

"Umm... So?"

"SO? Did you not understand that?"

"Not really..."

Donald kind of stared at him for a moment and then brought out a couple of sock puppets. "'Hey Snow White, you wanna make babies?' 'Well yeah, but right now I have to get the key from the safe that won't open unless I get the combination right in twenty seconds and then fight some horrible abomination of science.' 'Uhhh... never mind...'"

"OOOOH! Okay. Wait, then how did you come about existing, then?"

"I was drawn in the Disney studio."

"Tch. Geez."

"Gawrsh, that whale sure is taking a long time to gobble us up. A-hyuck."

"Shut up Goofy!" Donald yelled.

Then Monstro ate them. Argh! Oh no!

_A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..._

Little Sora and Little Riku were doing stuff one sunny afternoon. "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes!"

"Are you sure you saw something? Are you sure it wasn't... NOTHING?"

"What difference does it make? Gosh. There's a ginormigantuan monster in there, I tell you!"

"All right... suppose there is a monster. Could we beat it by ourselves, Sora?"

"Well, logically no. But since I'm merely one of those people who throws caution to the wind and avoids it slapping me in the face, YES!" So they went and listened carefully like the author did on her vacation on a cave tour. "Listen... can't you hear it?"

"Well if it's that loud, we'd better go check it out."

_A few seconds later..._

"See? You were just jumping to conclusions again," said Riku, pointing out how there was absolutely nothing inside of the cave. "It was just the wind."

"Aww, man! I wish it was a monster..."

"You're a moron."

"I know, MOM. Hey... what's that?" he asked, pointing at a door.

"A door?"

"No duh."

"Shut up Sora."

"Make me."

"I will!" He chased Sora out of the cave and then decided that maybe beating his best friend up would be kind of not-so-friendly. "Hey Sora..."

"Yeah?"

"When we grow up, let's get off this island. It's so boring here. We need to see the world."

"Sure, whatever. Hey, wanna go see that new girl at the mayor's house?"

_The Saga Ends..._

"Mmm, pudding..." Sora muttered, then woke up. He was looking up at the ridges of somebody's mouth. "Oh geez, am I having that 'I got eaten by a whale' dream again?"

"Yes," Donald said sarcastically, standing over the boy.

"Oh, okay."

"You idiot. I was being sarcastic. Now get up!" Donald yanked Sora up by his little jacket.

"Hey, Sora, are you okay?" Goofy asked. He looked reasonably concerned.

"Where are we?" Sora asked, dazed. Looking down, he saw that he was standing on something big, pink, and spongey. "Oh... blech." Then he serveyed his surroundings, noting the pools of water--or what he assumed was water, anyway--and much wreckage that had been nicely arranged into several platforms. And then he saw a uvula.

_Monstro_

"Uh, ya know, Sora, Monstro ate us."

"Oh... well that explains the grossness of the whole place." He narrowly dodged a falling object. "Argh!"

"And for today's weather: Expect showers," Donald said because really, in the game that line was way too witty for _Goofy_.

Another object richocheted off of Goofy's shield. "Gawrsh! Heavy showers!"

"Wait, no, that little kid's just throwing stuff at us," Sora pointed out, indicating Pinocchio who waved to them with one hand and held a piece of rubble in his other hand. Sora waved back with a big smile on his face.

"Hey! Who's there?" Donald demanded.

"It's me!"

"Mario?" Sora guessed.

"...No."

"Oh, it's just Pinocchio," Donald said, as Sora was ignored for the thirty-second time in the story. I know. I counted. "Wait, PINOCCHIO?"

"After him, quick!" said Jiminy, pointing his little umbrella onwards.

"Did you hear something?" Sora asked, looking around in a very confused way.

"No..." Goofy answered.

But they ran up to what appeared to be a shipwreck anyhow, as that looked as though it could further the plot somehow. And it was where Pinocchio had ran off to anyway.

"What have you got there, Pinocchio?" Geppetto asked the puppet.

"With this, we can get out of here, Father," Pinocchio said, holding up a Gummi Block.

"With this big block?"

"Yup."

"It's true," said Donald, he and the other two having been standing there the whole time.

"So, how did you end up here, Pinocchio?" Sora asked.

Geppetto looked like he had brightened up considerably. "Goodness me! Did the whale swallow you, too?" He tried his best to sound dismal, but with just a cat, a fish, and a puppet as your only company, things get boring and redundant fast.

"A whale swallowed us?" the boy asked, looking very freaked out.

"I thought we already went through this?" Donald asked Goofy.

"Don't ask me, I'm just Goofy. A-hyuck."

"My name is Geppetto," Geppetto introduced himself. "I'm Pinocchio's 'father'--" he used the little finger-quotation marks. "--and when we got separated I looked everywhere for him. Thank goodness we're together again."

Something caught Pinocchio's eye and he glanced over to where Riku had snuck off into another part of Monstro's... stomach-ish area. Ew.

"So, you seem to know Pinocchio quite well. I hope he's been the gosh-darned best kid in my absence." He sighed and adjusted his glasses. "Well, we've had quite a journey, haven't we, Pinocchio? ...Pinocchio?" He looked around and cursed to himself. "Darn that puppet..."

Sora and Friends went off into the next... chamber? I'm just gonna call it Monstro's Gullet.

"Pinocchio, come out to play!" Sora said creepily.

"Well I think you've succeeded in making him run _further_ into the belly of the beast," Donald said irritably.

"Pfft. WhatEV, Donald," Sora said flippantly. "Pinocchio, come on! This is no time for games!"

"But Sora, I thought you liked games," said Riku, popping in from nowhere. "Or are you too cool to play them now that you have the Keyblade?"

"Riku! What are you doing here?"

Riku smirked. "Just playing with Pinocchio."

"Tch. Gosh. You know what I mean! What about Kairi? Did you find her?"

"MAYBE," Riku replied like Sora. "Catch us and maybe I'll tell you what I know."

"Oh come ON!" Sora yelled in exasperation.

Riku ran off with Pinocchio, deeper into Monstro's... body. Yech. Logically, Sora and his homies followed.

_Some time later..._

"Why do you still care about that boy?" Maleficent asked. "He has all but deserted you for the Keyblade and his Disney companions, after all."

"I don't care about him," Riku said unconvincingly. "I was just messing with him a little, 's'all."

"Oh really?" the witch chuckled. "Of course you were. Beware the bad humor. The Farceless prey on it."

"Mind your own business."

Maleficent disappeared like the Grim Reaper and Pinocchio ran up, shortly being chased after by Sora, Donald, and Goofy.

"Riku! What the heck's the matter with you? What are you thinking? Don't you realize what you're doing?" Sora asked in succession.

Riku glared at him. "I was about to ask you the same thing, Sora. You only seem interested in running around and showing off that Keyblade nowadays. Do you even--"

"Oh, so it's Keyblade envy?" Sora snickered.

"Ugh! That's not what I meant, you little--"

"'I'm Riku, I'm jealous that I don't have a Keyblade!'" Sora mocked.

Riku made a face. You know, one of those, "I can't believe I thought he was talking about... never mind" faces. "Umm... Okay. Do you even want to save Kairi?"

"I do."

Riku ran off again, and if you don't know that Sora followed him then you're slow on the uptake.

_Some time later..._

Inside the Bowels (eeeeew), the group encountered one of Monstro's many parasites. Oh, gross. It looked like a mix between one of those old-fashioned stoves, and had the head of some kind of bug and also had tentacle arms.

"EEEEEW what's that?" Sora asked, looking disgusted.

"I don't know, but whatever it is... wanna beat the snot out of it?" Riku asked.

"You know it!"

And that's just what they did. They beat the proverbial snot out of the damn thing. Alas, it ran away after spewing out several of its guts and Pinocchio. And also some other stuff that was unidentifiable but gross nonetheless.

Pinocchio, dazed, stumbled down a pit nearby, and Riku followed.

Sora looked at the abyss suspiciously. "I don't really know where this leads, so... uhh..."

"Too bad," Donald grumbled, shoving Sora into the hole and grabbing Goofy by the arm, jumping in as well.

By some weird twist in the anatomy of the whale, they ended up back in its mouth. From its bowels. Umm... _what_?

"Pinocchio! Pinocchio!" Geppetto cried. He shook his fist at Riku. "You little hooligan! Give me back my son!"

"Sorry, old man," Riku said. "I have some unfinished business with this puppet."

"He's no puppet! He's my little boy!" Geppetto said like a relative in denial.

Riku looked thoughtfully at the knocked-out puppet tucked under his arm. "He is unusual. Not many puppets have such a sense of humor... I'm not sure, but maybe he can help someone who's lost theirs."

"That makes no sense," the old man told him.

"Wait a minute," Sora said. "Are you talking about Kairi?"

"What do you care about her?" snapped Riku, then he ran away again.

Right when Sora got into the throat, Monstro swallowed them further, through his esophagus and all the way into his stomach. Eeew!

After recovering and wiping some of Monstro's spit off of him, Sora stood up and pointed at Riku. "Hey! Let Pinocchio go!"

"A puppet that's lost its humor to the Farceless," Riku said, ignoring Sora. "Maybe it holds the key to helping Kairi. How about it, Sora? Let's join forces to save her. We can do it, together..."

"No way José!"

"What, you'd rather fight me instead?" Riku asked. "Over a puppet that has no humor? What kind of friends do YOU like?"

"Humor or no humor, he still has a conscience," Sora said. He looked at his friend in a no-nonsense kind of way.

"Conscience?"

"You might not hear it, but right now it's loud and clear. And it's telling me you're on the wrong side!"

"Riku's definitely on the wrong side..." Jiminy said by Sora's ear.

"Oh, I actually did hear it!" Sora smiled like a moron.

Riku dropped the puppet, and Pinocchio fell like a bag of cement. "Then you leave me no choice."

Jiminy hopped off of Sora and ran to Pinocchio. "Pinocchio! Are you all right?"

"Jiminy... I'm... I'm not gonna make it," Pinocchio said faintly. His nose grew longer, however, and he brightened up. "Oh, I guess not."

The cricket sighed in relief.

Just then, Monstro's parasite from earlier popped in for a spell. It let out some weird nasally battlecry and waved its tentacles around.

"Ugh! I'll be glad when I'm out of here and I'll never have to come back," Sora said to himself but loudly enough so that everybody could hear him. So he wasn't technically talking to _himself_.

Riku disappeared the same way Maleficent did.

And um, wow! Sora and the Disnettes killed the thing dead.

"Run!" yelled Donald.

"Riku! Riku where are you?" Sora called. But after a minute he decided that maybe getting thrown up wouldn't really make his day, so he ran like the wind and scrammed to the mouth.

_Meanwhile..._

Kairi was sitting limply on the deck of a ship. Riku looked at her with a worried expression, then turned to Maleficent. "So she's like a lifeless puppet now?"

"Precisely."

"And her humor was..."

"Take by the Farceless, no doubt."

"Tell me! What can I do?"

"There are seven maidens of the purest humor. We call them the princesses of farce. Gather them together, and a door will be open to the humor of all worlds. Within lies untold wisdom. There you will surely find a way to recover Kairi's humor."

"That old guy was right, this DOESN'T make any sense," Riku said.

Maleficent chose to ignore that. "Now, I'll grant you a marvelous gift. The power to control the Farceless."

And thusly he was granted this power. He looked at Kairi. "Soon, Kairi... Soon..."

TO BE CONTINUED!


	9. Ms Sora Again

"Aaaa... AAAAH... AAA-CHOO!" sneezed Monstro. The Gummi Ship popped out of its blowhole and tumbled about for a few seconds then righted itself.

"Gawrsh, I sure hope Geppetto and Pinocchio are okay," Goofy said.

"Yeah, hopefully they landed safely somewhere," Donald added.

Sora, however, was more depressed than either of them, thinking about how he'd now lost his friend to the Dark Side. Oh no! That means that Riku'll be like Anakin and lose all of his limbs and be nothing but nubs then catch on fire and be horribly scarred and have to get robotic arms and legs and a respirator! Argh! What a drama-queen.

"Well now that we've taken care of that totally optional level, let's head to the next world!" Donald said, pointing forward. "Huh..."

"What is it?" Sora asked.

"We might land a little roughly..."

"In the sea? But... but we'll drown!"

"Eh. You might, but I'm a duck. Don't worry, I'll mourn your deaths every day for the rest of my life. But no, with my magic I can make us able to BREATHE underwater."

"Oh... okay..."

_Some time later..._

"Come on, Sebastian!" Ariel called to her little crab friend.

"Ariel, wait!" Sebastian panted, trying his very best to keep up with her. "Slow down! Don't leave me behind!"

The crab bumped into a horrible monstrosity of nature. Umm... Donald! Yeah. As a duck/octopus. Sebastian understandably started freaking out.

"Chillax, Sebastian," Ariel scoffed. "They don't look like one of them. Right, Flounder?"

"I don't know..." Flounder said in suspicion. "There's something weird about them..."

Sora the merperson chuckled nervously. "W... what do you mean?" he asked, shifting his eyes.

"They do seem a little... different." She noticed Sora's very spikey hair. "Where are you from?"

"Umm... We're from kind of far away," Sora told her.

"Yeah, and uhh... we're not... umm... oh gosh... we're not used to these... waters," Donald said.

Ariel, Sebastian, and Flouder all stared at Donald.

"What?"

_Atlantica_

"Oh! Nothing," Ariel laughed nervously. "But, if that's the case, then Sebastian can show you how we swim around here."

"No offense to you guys, but I'm starting to have a feeling that this world will be very gay," Sora said. He tried to look apologetic but only succeeded in gaining that look from the Tarzan world. Do you remember it? You can't go back now, you're already so far!

"Well... we do hold the annual Atlantica Happy Day Festival," Sebastian said thoughtfully, putting a claw to his chin.

Just as Sora was about to explain the NEW meaning of the word 'gay', Sebastian decided to get down and teach the trio how to swim in Atlantica. But we'll skip all that because it's boring and like Sora said... kinda gay.

"Good job," Sebastian congratulated them. "Now, let's move on to self-defense..." He struck a Bruce Lee pose.

"Sebastian!" screeched Ariel as she pointed to some scuba-divers nearby. Except they had spears and proppellers and looked really gay.

"Class is over," Sebastian said hurriedly. "Good luck!" He and Flounder hid in a clam shell.

"Oh, HA HA," Sora laughed sarcastically. "That WASN'T the worst pun ever."

Donald gave him a weird look. "What in Walt's name are you talking about?"

"Huh? What's who talking about?"

Donald slapped his forhead and brandished his wizardin' staff. "Shut up, Sora."

"Gawrsh, them's Farceless!" Goofy the sea-turtle said, pointing a flipper at the slowly-approaching Farceless. "Gawrsh, wonder what's takin' 'em so long...?"

"Oh, it's just because nothing in our reality moves at an average rate. Kinda like how Capcom thinks they're making original games," Sora said, crossing his arms. "And yes, that WAS directed at you, Megaman. Get a new story, gosh."

"Well, uhh, whatever that has to do with anything... let's kill the Farceless, Sora!" Donald said.

"WEEEEE!"

_Several minutes later..._

"Those creatures chased us here," Ariel told her new buds.

"Oh no, Ariel! They might be headed for the palace, too!" Sebastian said, flailing his claws like a knave. He stopped abruptly. "Not that His Majesty couldn't take on every one of those spineless..."

"You're an invertabrate, too," Sora pointed out.

Sebastian sputtered. "Don't you think I know that? I've had to shed this shell every year of my life!"

"We'd better head back right away!" Ariel commanded, ignoring them both.

"But wh-what if we run into more of them on the way back?" Flounder stammered.

"Oh my gosh. Can we stop this for a second? I'm getting sick of all the gayness," Sora said rather rudely.

But everybody ignored him so tough cookies, Sora.

"I'm sorry, but we need your help," Ariel said and kicked Donald out of the party so she could fill in his spot. "We need to go back to the palace right now. The trident markers point to it--we won't get lost as long as we follow them."

_Durn back-seat drivers_, Sora thought and swam off in the totally wrong direction just to get on Ariel's nerves.

_Some time later..._

Triton zapped a few Farceless just for the heck of it as the Sora Bunch entered his palace. "That was too close," he said. "So long as I have my trident, I will not tolerate those creatures in my palace!"

"Oh Daddy," giggled Ariel. "You don't tolerate ANYTHING!" She gave him a hug.

Unfortunately, nobody knew that the whole 'so long as I have my trident' thing was blatant foreshadowing. Uh-oh.

"Ariel, when will you listen? It's dangerous out there!" Triton told her. "There are creatures lurking out there! Lurking in the deep."

"As if we didn't know that," Donald whispered to Goofy. Donald had decided to take his place back in the group and kicked Ariel out of HIS spot. Darn it.

Sebastian cleared his throat. "Behold. You swim before the ruler of the seas: His Majesty, King Triton."

"And who are they?" Triton asked with suspicion. "They don't look familiar..."

"They helped kill the monsters!" Ariel said.

"We're from a far-off, magical land called Japan," Sora explained.

"Umm... okay..." said the majority of the Little Mermaid characters.

"Yup! We came to find the Keyhole!" Goofy said with horseshoe eyes.

"The wha?" asked the same people.

"Psst! Goofy! They don't have doors under the sea!" Sora whispered very loudly.

"Did somebody say UNDER THE SEA?" Sebastian said suddenly. Several thousand fish popped in from nowhere and crazy music started up.

"No! No he didn't!" Donald yelled over the music.

"Awww..." said the fish, and would've snapped their fingers in disappointment had they had any. They slowly swam away, their head hung low. No I don't know how they could do that.

"There's no such thing," Triton said defiantly. "Certainly not here!"

"Sure there is! You just have to BELIEVE!" Ariel said whimsically. Then she stopped. "Oh wait... no, you're right."

"Ariel, not another word," Sebastian snapped. No no, vocally, not his claws.

Triton pointed his trident at Ariel. "You are not to leave the palace. Is that clear?"

"But Dad-_dee_!" whined Ariel. She swam away to her room, crying into her hands.

Sora and his pals decided it was a good time as ever to leave as well.

Triton sighed and sunk into his throne, his chin propped up on one hand. "Do you think I'm too strict? I'm just doing it for her safety..."

"Not at all, Your Majesty!" Sebastian said with a little too much enthusiasm. He added under his breath, "That girl needs to be whipped into shape every now and then anyway..."

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing, Your Majesty! But I must admit, I'm quite curious about this 'Keyhole'..."

"That need not concern you, Sebastian," Triton said firmly. "Now, have you anything _important_ to ramble about?"

"Well, it is just as you suspected, Sire. They seem to come from Ursula's grotto."

Triton 'humphed'. "I knew it. That sea witch is up to no good again... She's just like a terrorist, she never learns her lesson, even after being mortally wounded in a suicide-bomb attempt."

"Uhh... riiiiight," Sebastian drawled.

"And I told you to keep Ariel away from such danger, isn't that right?"

"Sire, I'm only a crab!" the crab wailed.

While Sebastian then went into a long-winded rant about he was the only one of his family who hadn't been served with melted butter in some Red Lobster somewhere, Ariel took this opportunity to follow Sora's party.

_Some time later..._

"Come to my grotto," Ariel told them quietly, looking around suspiciously. "I want to show you something." They swam for a few minutes before she pointed at a rock face and said, "There it is. See?"

"Uhh, the rock?" Sora guessed.

"...No. What's _behind_ the rock," Ariel said, then pushed the giant boulder aside. Yeah. All by herself. Witness feats of strength by mermaids! She swam inside and the trio followed her. "Look at all the wonderful things Flounder and I've collected! I think it's all from the outside world, but I could be wrong..."

Sora, Donald, and Goofy then laid eyes upon the biggest collection of Star Wars memorabelia they'd ever seen. There was even a life-sized Lego sculpture of Chewbaca.

"Someday," Ariel said, flipping through a few pages of her Star Wars Episode II script, "I'm going to see what's out there. I want to see Tatooine and the Cloud City. Does that sound strange?"

"Nope. Not at all," Sora said, then looked sheepish. "I used to feel the same way..."

Donald's eyes nearly bugged out of his head. "YOU were a Star Wars fan?"

"Yeah..."

"Used to?" Ariel asked, puzzled.

"I mean, sometimes I still do," said the boy.

"Well, if I ever get out of here... I'd like to meet Han Solo and Luke and everyone else... I'd want to be... _part of that wooooor--_"

"No! No singing!" Donald yelled suddenly and knocked over a Princess Leia jewelry box to distract Ariel long enough to grab it before it smashed into the ground which it wouldn't have because it's in the WATER. "Now, say, anybody got anything to say about that Keyhole?"

"Oh right," Ariel chuckled. "Hey, why don't we try to find it?"

"But your father said--" Sora started.

"Oh, he treats me like a little girl," the mermaid said flippantly, rolling her eyes. "I've learned to ignore him now. But he never gives me any freedom. He just... doesn't understand..."

"Oh I know how you feel," Sora replied. "My mom's always nagging at me. 'Close the window before the cat gets out, Sora.' 'If you break something you better fix it, Mister.' I mean, my dexterity isn't that great! I couldn't have fixed that car anyway..."

"And then Daddy let all my sisters go to the ball but he wouldn't let ME!"

"I didn't _mean_ to break the world's largest, unbreakable diamond, gosh."

"Goofy, is it just me or does Sora seem a little... _different_ all of a sudden?" Donald asked Goofy.

"Gawrsh, whaddya mean, Donald?"

"I mean that he's starting to act a little... feminine."

"What do you mean?"

"Well... sympathizing with a girl, for one thing. Maybe it's just the femininity of the whole world or something. Because right now I have the inexplicable urge to eat a whole carton of peanut butter fudge ice cream while watching a tear-jerking movie."

"Uhh... a-hyuck..."

"So anyway," Ariel said, getting back on track. "Wanna go look?"

"Yeah, sure."

And all the while, the walls had pinchers. Ugh gosh. What a bad pun.

_Meanwhile..._

Ursula was watching through the eyes of her eels Flotsam and Jetsam what you just read. So it'd be a little redundant to re-write the whole thing, huh? Yeah. It would. "Those impudent fools will never find the Keyhole!" She was smiling triumphantly, but then her face fell. "Maybe it's because we don't have any doors, like that fool child said...? Whatever." She waved the thought off. "But the girl could prove useful. And I've got the Farceless on my side. Triton, my old friend... Your day is coming."

She broke into evil laughter like your average villainess.

_Un-meanwhile..._

Sora and the gang, which now consisted of himself, Donald, Goofy, Ariel, and some other people (who were subsequently shoo'd off by Donald), swam up to what looked like a trident. Made out of crystal. A crystal trident.

"Hm," Ariel pondered aloud. "Its shape reminds me of something..."

Sora gave her a 'wtf' look mixed with one of those 'you're a moron' looks that he had received so many times that it was implanted into his brain. "You think? I mean... it's a crystal TRIDENT. Emphasis on the TRIDENT."

"I wonder what it could be..." the mermaid continued to ponder aloud, ignoring him.

So they went back to her grotto and slipped it into a convenient trident-shaped hole in the wall. It fit like a glove! If only someone were there to make the bad joke.

"Darn it, Ariel!" boomed Triton, appearing out of nowhere behind the group. He nearly made our main trio die of heart attacks, but Ariel was probably used to it now so she just turned to him with a look of horror unconvincingly plastered on her face. "You've disobeyed me again! I told you not to leave the palace!" In bitterness, he pointed his trident at the crystal trident and made it explode.

"Argh!" argh'd Sora and the author in unison, though the author could not be heard because really... nobody wants to hear her.

"Daddy, no!" Ariel pleaded, but it was TOO LATE NOW. She sputtered, looking for the right words, until she just muttered, "How could you..." Then she swam away like a drama queen.

Triton ignored her and turned to Sora. "Young man, you're not from another ocean. You're from another world!"

BUM BUM BUUUUUUM!

"Aren't you? Don't bother answering, I _know_ you are. But then, you must be the keybearer, correct?"

"Umm... no I'm not?" Sora tried, shifting his eyes around the room.

"Yes you are!"

"Okay... How'd you know?"

"You may fool my fool child of a daughter, but you can't fool me," Triton said with narrowed eyes. "You don't know your dorsal fin from your tail, and you're an idiot to boot. But as the keybearer, you must already know that you're not allowed to meddle in the affairs of other worlds."

"Gawrsh! That's what I keep tellin' him, Yer Majesty, but he won't listen!" Goofy griped. "A-hyuck!"

"SILENCE, sea-turtle-dog-thing!" Triton yelled, pointing his trident at Goofy.

"Well I may remember knowing that at one point," replied Sora, shifting his eyes again. "But--"

"You have violated this principle," the sea king interrupted him. "The keybearer shatters peace and brings ruin!"

"No I..." But Sora really thought about it. In fact... he had done at least ONE thing to mess things up in the other worlds! Let's count 'em.

Attracting the Farceless to Traverse Town... After interrupting the trial Alice disappeared... Made a deal with the ruler of the Underworld to compete in some silly tournament... Trusted Clayton and made Tarzan reveal the whereabouts of his gorilla homies... Broke the rotted wooden boards that the tax payers of Traverse Town had paid for... Left Jasmine to die in the streets of Agrabah and had Abu killed by the Chamber of Secrets Guardian... Almost let Riku kidnap Pinocchio... And now he's tainted the mind of Ariel into thinking she can go see other worlds and basically ruined their whole happy family!

Geez Sora.

"Oh wait, yeah I have. Never mind."

"I thank you for saving my daughter, but in my ocean there is no room for you or your key," Triton said, and one could almost feel the resentment he held toward Sora. How dramatic.

Of course Goofy just had to ruin the moment. "Aw, but Sora's just a li'l fella!"

Everybody slapped their forheads as Goofy smiled obliviously.

_Meanwhile..._

Ariel sobbed quietly into her hands, laying on a nice comfortable-looking flat rock. Flotsam and Jetsam weaved through the water up to her, smirked at each other, then gained friendly smiles.

"My, my, the poor dear suffers such deep sorrow," Jetsam said.

"What a pity," Flotsam said, shaking his head. Then he coughed, "_If only there were something we could do_," rather obviously.

"Wait... maybe _she_ can be of some help..."

"Yes, maybe _she_ can be of some help to you..."

Ariel sniffled pathetically. "Who are you taking about?"

"Oh, _she_ would surely help you," Jetsam assured her. "_She_'d make all your dreams come true."

A few minutes later, they'd led Ariel to Ursula's grotto, which was nicely furnished but had the occassional evil thing in the background, like a vial of human eyeballs or something. Nothing much.

Ursula, in a cozy armchair by one of those fires you can plug in (though... why is it working?) and reading a blank newspaper, looked up suddenly and slipped off her lensless glasses. "You called, deary?"

"Uhh, you're Ursula?" Ariel said meekly. "I was just wondering if--"

Ursula swam over and wrapped a big purple arm around Ariel's shoulders. "It's all right, honey. Helping others is what I live for. Let me guess: You want to see other worlds. ...That actually shouldn't be too hard... Your new friends came from another world, after all."

The mermaid gasped. "What?"

"But they had special help--that mysterious key," Ursula went on. Ariel looked kind of betrayed. The sea witch held Ariel's chin gently in one of her meaty yet delicate hands. She looked sympathetic. "Now, now, cheer up, sweetie. You have something special, too, you know."

"Huh?"

"Just listen up..." She leaned in close to the mermaid, and said quietly, "I think the Keyhole they seek is somewhere in the palace. Now, dear, if you could take it without your poppee knowing, then I think I can help you get to those worlds you long for..."

_Meanwhile..._

"You ever have a sense that while we're doing something, somebody totally evil and cunning is plotting evil schemes?" Sora asked with a thoughtful look.

"Well yeah," Donald said. "Goofy and I've experienced that a lot in our day."

"Ah. Just wondering." He then smiled idiotically and started humming a merry tune as they proceeded into Triton's throne room for some reason.

"GASP!" gasped the three as they entered the room.

Ursula was floating near the throne with Triton's trident in hand, laughing maniacally with Ariel looking distraught right by her.

"No, Ursula! I... I didn't want this!"

The sea witch stopped laughing abruptly and gave her a 'wtf' look. "Didn't want what? I haven't DONE anything yet," Ursula said.

"Oh, well then... never mind."

"Whatever."

Triton entered from the OTHER throne room and gasped in shock. And horror. And hunger. "What the--" Before he could really say anything, though, Ursula turned him into some kind of weed thingy attached to the floor. Uhhh, yeeeah.

"Why not? Aren't you tired of following your dear poppee's orders? Like a rebellious youth? Hmm? Oh yes. We had a deal, didn't we?" She smiled widely, her perfectly white teeth showing. "Time for a trip--TO THE TASTELESS WORLD OF THE FARCELESS!"

"AAAAH!" screeched Ariel, sheilding her face with her hands.

Ursula stopped suddenly and looked over her shoulder to where the trio were still fixated in horror. She turned casually to them. "Well, well, well. Looks like we've got company! I'm afraid you're a little late, handsome!" In a fit of evil giggles, she disappeared into the shadows.

Sora made an extreme 'wtf' face. "Was that lady coming onto me?" he asked nobody in particular.

"Uhh, umm..." said nobody in particular. He shifted around. "I don't know!" Then he disappeared off the face of the ocean floor because he wanted to, I guess. (shrugs)

Ariel swam down to her weed-ish father and sobbed loudly. "Daddy!" she gasped, cradling the head.

"A...ri...el?" Triton gasped ala Maxi from Soul Calibur III. "The trident, we must get it back..."

"Come on, let's go!" Sora said, pointing the Keyblade onward. What a pose.

"Wait!" Ariel said, swimming up to them. "I'm coming with you. My father is a little weed thingy and it's all my fault. I have to stop Ursula!"

"Well, uhh... whatever, I wasn't planning on it, but I guess you can come," Sora said. He added quietly, "If you want..."

"That's right," Sebastian said from nowhere. "I'm behind you, Ariel."

Triton looked up dismally. "Ursula draws her power from her cauldron. To defeat her, you must attack the cauldron without mercy."

Sora snorted. "Well that's a retarded way to contain your power! I mean... even I'M smarter than that."

"Shut up, Sora," Donald said.

_Some time later..._

"Come out, come out, wherever you are..." Sora said in a sing-song voice, looking under various furniture and small knick-knacks around Ursula's house. "You can't hide forever!"

"Oh yes I can!" yelled Ursula, coming out of the shadows. She had the most frightening look on her face that half of Sora's HP meter disappeared from the scaring it caused him.

"ARGH!" came Sora's MAJOR argh.

So then they fought Ursula and her pets. And they WON, biznatch. Sora's peeps, not Ursula. Oh no! Why would she win? You should know by now that Disney villains win once but they're horrible at winning anything a SECOND time.

"You'll pay for this!" Ursula declared, shaking an angry fist at them and then swimming away.

"Let's go," Ariel said in a determined sort of way. "We have to get the trident back."

_And a-WAY they go..._

"You PATHETIC fools!" Ursula barked.

"Yeah? Well, I know I am, but what're YOU?" came Sora's retort. He looked confused. "No, that doesn't sound right..."

Ignoring him, Ursula continued, "I rule the seas now! Mwa-HAHAHAHA!" Holding up the trident, her right arm glowed and she grew about twenty times her original size. "The sea and all its spoils will bow to ME now!" She chortled once more.

_One defeated octowoman later..._

"Daddy, I'm so sorry," Ariel said, the trident in her hands. By some magical coincidence, the weed formerly known as Triton was Triton once more! She handed the trident to him. "Please forgive me..."

"It's my fault," Triton said, looking lovingly at her. "You followed Ursula because... I wouldn't let you follow your heart and become a Star Wars junky."

"What, no 'farce' related spoofs of that line? Are you startin' to slip up?" Sora challenged the author.

"Who the heck are you talking to, Sora?" Donald asked.

"NOBODY," Sora said, glaring in the author's direction. Although... she's absolutely nowhere in the story...

"When you found that crystal," Triton continued, ignoring Sora, "I lost my temper and destroyed it."

"Yeah, what was that about?"

"That crystal held the power to reveal the Keyhole. It is dangerous. I had to keep you away from it at any cost."

"Well that's a pretty fool-proof way of doing it... IF you want to be dealing with the Farceless for the rest of your life!"

Everybody ignored Sora again.

Triton turned to him. "Key bearer, I have one request: Seal the Keyhole. My trident holds the power to reveal the Keyhole, as well. As if you couldn't figure that out. But maybe you couldn't, since you're such a... never mind. Anyway, will you do it?"

The boy scoffed. "Well, not NOW."

After Donald beat him up, he agreed, and he said in a strained voice, "Of course! That's... that's what we intended from the start... Owww, my kidneys..."

"Where is the Keyhole, Daddy?" Ariel asked, not seeming to notice Sora's pained moans from behind.

"You should know better than anyone else, Ariel," her poppee told her. "It's in your grotto."

"Really... let's go, Sora," Goofy said.

"Yeah, okay..." wheezed Sora.

_Some time later..._

"You know, when you sealed the Keyhole it looked considerably less cool than it did in the other worlds," Donald said. He held up a piece of paper that was oddly in really good shape for being under water. "At least we got the third of Ansem's reports..."

"Tell me, Sora," Ariel started conversationally, "what's your world like?"

"Oh yeah, that. Sorry for lying to you," Sora apologized as if it wasn't a big thing to lie to somebody about being from a different world. No, no, nope. No biggy.

"Don't worry about it. Besides... if you can travel to different worlds, maybe I can, too," Ariel rambled whimsically. She swam up to the hole in the top of her grotto and looked out. "So many places I want to see... I know I'll get there someday. I'm sure of it."

"Well, if you do find a way to do it," Sebastian told her crabbily (ugh), "leave me out of it, please."

There was a moment of silence between them all.

Then Sora said, "Well this world sucked."

"Yeah. Wanna go to the Halloween world?" Donald asked.

"Do I!"

With that, they left Ariel looking even more confused that she felt.

TO BE CONTINUED!


	10. Darn Straight!

(Note: I am really really really really sorry for the late update. Since school started I have had homework every night for the last week. Yes I like complaining and blaming my absence from the Internet on other things and people.)

Sora picked some sea weed out of his hair. "Eeeew, this is more gross than the big whale. Except without the spit. And the intestines. And the parasite. And Riku."

"I thought you and Riku were friends?" Donald asked.

"Well yeah. But I'm not sure he's doing the right thing anymore..."

"A-hyuck," Goofy said from the pilot's seat. "We're gonna land soon, fellas."

"So you've lowered him to the level of the innards of a whale?"

"Umm..." Sora thought about it, then smiled. "Yes. Yes I have."

Donald shook his head. Then he said, "Did you notice that the Monstro level was a LOT like that one level in that one RPG for the N64?"

"Uhh, which one? Was it a good one?"

"It would be the best game ever... if it was a Disney-licensed product."

"...Huh." Sora looked to his left, where there was a convenient window that was looking out at the world they were set to land on. "Oh hey, look! The level's starting."

_Several minutes later..._

_Halloween Town_

Goofy looked at his slightly werewolf-themed Halloween Town costume. "Gawrsh, this place is kinda spooky... I'll bet the people here are scary-lookin', too..."

"Pfft. This is just a Tim Burton kind of scary," Sora scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Which isn't all that scary but somewhat creepy at the same time." He was dressed in some tacky outfit with a jack-o-lantern cardboard cut-out over his right eye.

Donald ignored him. He was dressed as a mummy. A bodiless mummy. But he had a head. "Don't worry, Goofy. We look pretty spooky too, so if anybody scares us... we'll scare 'em right back!"

"Are you really paid to say stuff like that?" Sora asked, crossing his arms and giving Donald a skeptic look.

The duck sighed. "...yes. We are." He looked up at Sora. "Sad, isn't it?"

"Uhh, what were we talking about?"

"..."

_Some time later..._

The three walked into the main square of the town, where there were several ghosts who were as motionless as if someone from a certain Susan Cooper book series had frozen them in place. Since none of them were moving, Sora took no notice of them and looked the other way. Why? Because his attention span wouldn't allow him to look at the ghosts for more than two seconds. Not even that.

"And now, allow me to introduce the Master of Terror, the King of Nightmares--Jack Skellington!" the portly little Mayor said through his little bull-horn thing.

A bright green light errupted from the well in the middle of the square, and out rose Jack Skellington, tall, inaccurately proportioned, and in a very mummy-ish pose.

The mayor scuttled up to him. "Bravo, Jack! Bravo! Those ghosts will be a big hit at this year's Halloween!" he said enthusiastically. Usually one wouldn't expect that from someone who lived where it is perpetually Halloween, but this is Tim Burton we're talking about. And he's weird. Kinda like the author, but a little bit weirder than THAT.

"Thank you," Jack chuckled, stepping out of the well and shaking his bone-tight pants of water. "But their movement still needs some work. I want to scare the pants off of people, kind of like the Resident Evil potato-sack guy." He jerked his thumb in the direction of the aforementioned man, who revved up his chainsaw. "I'm going to consult the doctor." With that, he ambled up the steps of a nearby house and disappeared into the... house.

The mayor, left to himself, said, "Then I'll take care of the decorations."

Deciding that the mayor would be boring to follow, Sora ran after Jack.

_At the Hall of Justice..._

Jack's face contorted in confusion. Even though it's just a skull. "I don't understand," he sighed in exasperation. "Maybe... maybe the guidance system was damaged in the explosion."

"I told you, microwaves exploding do NOT disrupt the mechanical structures of this laboratory!" Dr. Finklestein said, shaking a tiny fist at Jack. They were standing/sitting by a table with a ghost strapped to it. Behind him, the television and his home-made dentistry tools had fused together into some freak television monster.

"Oh, I've got it!" the skeleton said, snapping his fingers in enlightenment. "The Farceless need FARCE!"

"Any lesser organism could've told you that," grumbled the doctor.

Jack either did not hear or chose to ignore that comment. I'm gonna go with him ignoring it. "Doctor, do you think we could add farce to that device?"

"Certainly. Farce isn't all that complicated," he said. "Let's get to work."

"To make farce, take a container with a lock..." Jack read from a big cook book entitled 'Farce in the Kitchen'. He grabbed a heart-shaped object with a lock. "Uhh, this doesn't look right..."

"Nonsense!" snapped Dr. Finklestein. He snatched it away from Jack. "We need the key to this thing, first, though..." He looked to his left, where Sora and the Pussycats had just entered the building. "Ah. How convenient for us."

"You're really gonna unlock it for them?" Donald asked.

"And when did I say something to make you think that I would?" the boy inquired. "Oh and, besides... I want to see the Farceless dance. Don't you?"

"...No."

Sora shrugged and tried to lock the heart, but alas... it didn't work.

"My! That was lame. Uh, and you are?"

"Sora."

"Despite your lameness, I'd like you to be part of this year's Halloween Festival, Sora. I think your hair will scare everybody pretty well."

Sora looked hurt. "My hair isn't _that_ bad..." He turned to Donald and Goofy. "Is it?"

"Well, uh, I'm not sure you want us to answer that one."

The boy looked at his compadrés for about a minute, expressionless, then turned to Jack. "So what's this Farceless doing here?" he asked as if no comments about his hair had been made.

"Oh, well the Farceless just recently came to our town," Jack said as if it were no big deal. "What's frustrating is that I can't get them to dance with me! So the doctor and I are trying to improve the guidance system. Dr. Finklestein's not that much of a genius, but there's no one better for this kind of job."

"Darn straight!" the doctor added from across the room.

"Okay, Doctor," Jack said to Dr. Finklestein, "let's continue. The ingredients for farce: Laughter, a gut, jokes, props, and a good outlook on life. That insult comic stuff is crap. Anyway, mix them all together, and we have humor! Not farce. For farce we'd REALLY need some innuendo and somebody cheating on their wife. And maybe a Benny Hill running sequence." He stopped himself before he would get more off-subject, and pointed dramatically at the doctor. "All right, Doctor! THROW THE SWITCH!"

And thrown the switch was. And then the machine they were constructing humor in exploded. Oh dear.

"My life's work!" Dr. Finklestein lamented.

"It failed? Aww, come on!" Jack cried in frustration.

Calming himself down, Finklestein suggested, "Maybe we're missing some ingredients. Let's try adding memory."

"Memory?"

"Well, yes. I mean... you can't _remember_ a joke if you don't have the _memory_ of it, Jack." The doctor opened his head and scratched his brain. Yeah. Like in the movie, biznatch. "Sally!" he called up the stairs. "Sally! Good-for-nothing girl... Don't know why I ever bothered assembling dead body parts and bringing her to life!" He closed his head. "Sally's got the memory we need. See if you can track her down."

"Gosh, one more good deed and I'll earn my Good Samaritan badge!" Sora said like an eager-beaver.

"Quiet, child! Now go! Go fulfill my request! Off with you!"

Jack stood in front of Sora. "Sora, would you mind coming along?" he asked, ignoring Dr. Finklestein.

"Sure, whatever."

_Outside..._

"Jack! Jaaa-AAAACK! We have a major crisis!" the mayor called frantically, flailing his arms around like a knave. "The Farceless are completely out of control! We can't stop them!"

"I could just use my large, blunt weapon to beat them into submission," Sora said reasonably.

"They're unstoppable!"

"Hmm," Jack hmm'd, ignoring Sora as well and looking contemplative. "Maybe our experiment triggered something. Don't worry, Mayor, once we figure out how to kill the Farceless, everyone will have nothing to fear."

"Uhh, helloo! I'm still backing my beating-them-with-a-blunt-object suggestion!" the boy said, louder.

"I wonder... how do you beat things without farce?"

"With a Keyblade, genius!"

Jack sighed and shrugged. "Well, I guess there's only one thing to do." He got a major close-up on his face and narrowed the sockets where his eyes would be. You know. If he wasn't a skeleton. Then he got a full-body shot, and he was in a yellow-and-black spandex suit with a katana in his hand. "And that's to kill them!"

"But you just said--"

"Forget what I said, Sora! Stay back!" He did some weird meditation thing then struck one Farceless in its five pressure points. It kind of gave him a weird look. Jack looked down, defeated. "Oh, I guess not..."

"Yeah, that's why I suggested beating the things with a blunt object and not 'we should use that crazy Quentin Tarantino move to kill them'," Sora said smugly.

Then they all shrugged and continued on to the graveyard. And some Farceless popped up and were thusly killed viciously by our heroing party. Kind of like Inu Yasha but without the crappy story and the yelling of techniques. Oh yeah, just TELL your enemy you're about to attack them! THAT'S THE SMART THING TO DO. (biting sarcasm)

So then Jack's dog Zero appeared and barked happily.

"Zero!" Jack said, smiling. "Have you seen Sally anywhere?"

Zero barked and led them to where Sally was standing in some corner of the graveyard.

"Is something wrong, Jack?" she asked as if they hadn't been looking for her.

"No, everything's going great," Jack lied. "We're gonna blow the socks off of everyone with this year's Halloween Festival, because we have the Lord of Bad Hair."

"Hey!"

Ignoring Sora, Jack continued: "We just need your memory to help fuel the Farceless."

"Oh, you mean this?" Sally asked, holding up a Forget-Me-Not.

Sora, Donald, Goofy, and the author winced.

"That's gotta be the worst pun ever," Sora commented.

"No wonder the Farceless came here..." Donald sighed.

"Gawrsh. Just... just gawrsh," Goofy said, nearly speechless.

"Jack," Sally said, ignoring them, "I've got a bad feeling about this. Why don't you try something else? There's still time..."

Jack spread his arms wide. "Nothing could beat what I've got planned! Once we give the Farceless farce, they'll dance just as I envision it. Trust me, Sally, you're going to LOVE it!"

Then as Jack rambled on, he walked with the rest of our motley crew out of the graveyard.

A nearby coffin's lid started to rattle, and after a moment it completely popped off to reveal the most annoying creatures in the history of ever emerging from it.

"Lock!"

"Shock!"

"Barrel!"

They came together and cackled annoyingly, and the little devil one put a hand to his ear.

"Did you hear that?" he asked gayly. I mean, homosexually gay, not happy gay. But if you're one of the raving thirteen-year-old girls who infest this website like so many blood-sucking, crap-eating parasitic worms, then you're probably squealing at the word 'gay' anyway. Gosh.

"Yeah, I sure did!" said a different one. Maybe the skeleton one. "Farce! What should we do?"

"Gosh, you really are stupid!" said the witch, being the perfect case of 'the pot calling the kettle black'. "Isn't it obvious?"

"...No."

"Tell Oogie Boogie!" Barrel and Shock told him in unison.

I really hate these guys. Let's go see what Sora's doing.

_Meanwhile..._

Dr. Finklestein looked over the Forget-Me-Not skeptically. "Yes... This is it. Now, just one more ingredient. We need 'surprise' to complete farce. Because some jokes need that unexpected twist. The mayor should know where it is."

"The MAYOR?" Sora gasped.

"...Yes."

"O-oh... I'm sorry, I didn't know."

_Mean... NOOOOOOOOOO!_

Oogie Boogie rubbed his stubs together and giggled in a high-pitched voice. "Farce? That bonehead Jack is really making farce? I'll be... ugh gosh... JIGGERED. There, I said it. That works for me! Ohh, when I get my hands on that... Well." He stared at the stubs. "I've got no hands. Anyway, I'm still gonna nab that farce and control the Farceless. Mweeheeheeheeheehee. ...Hee."

_Un-meanwhile (yay)..._

"Ghosts rise from those tombstones," the mayor told them, pointing at said tombstones with his bull-horn thing. "Check the tombs in the order the ghosts appear. If you get it wrong, you're in for a surprise!"

At this, Sora grew angry. "Okay, hold up. I've seen The Nightmare Before Christmas. I know it didn't kick ass like The Lion King, or Aladdin, but at least it tried. It tried like Susan Cooper tried with that one book series that they compare to the Lord of the Rings. Except maybe it didn't try _that_ hard... But this dialogue enrages me. Never did I think a Tim Burton character would dress up like a Quinton Tewhateverino character. Nor did I think you were this stupid. Oblivious and naïve to the outside world, yes, but stupid? No. You were a smart movie. A smart, smart, creepy movie that gave me nightmares."

While he was ranting, Donald, Goofy, and Jack had already solved the puzzle.

"Splendid!" the mayor said. Apparently, they'd all ignored Sora. "Now go look at the pumpkin."

So they did, and they found the Jack-in-the-Box. Ho hum, so what if I've nothing funny to say right now? Ah well...

_Some time later..._

"There you go," said Dr. Finklestein, holding up the heart-shaped container of the farce. "This time it's sure to work."

Suddenly, the little fat skeleton kid--BARREL or whatever his stupid name is--jumped up from behind the lab table and in a gutteral voice, screamed, "OOGA-BOOGA-BOOGA!"

"AAAAAAAH!" screamed everyone else.

And then Barrel and his stupid little friends Lock and Shock stole the farce container and ran off with it. Sora and his groupies understandably ran after them because if I were them I wouldn't let those little bastards get away with something like that, too. I mean, geezums! I should hope you wouldn't be like a stupid Nightmare Before Christmas fangirl and let them get away with it just because you like them! More importantly, why _would_ you like them?

"Aw! During the author's umpteenth long-winded rant, we lost 'em!" Sora whined.

Jack put his boney fingers to his nonexistant lips and whistled for his dog. "Zero! After them!" The ghostly sheet/dog barked and followed after the hooligans. Zero led them straight to the Graveyard.

Then they followed the stupid trio's possessed bathtub all the way to Oogie's Manor, where Jack snapped his fingers in realization. "I knew it! I _knew_ Oogie Boogie was behind this!"

"He sounds fun," nobody in particular said, then promptly left the scene.

Ignoring him, they all entered Oogie's Manor and fought-fought-fought and kill-kill-killed their way up to the Evil Playroom, where they confronted nobody's favorite trio of children of the damned.

After beating the living snot out of them, Shock got on his knees and grovelled. "W-we were just following orders!" he whimpered pathetically. "Oogie Boogie told us about the farce... It was all Barrel's fault!" He pointed to a now-shocked Barrel, who jumped and kinda flailed around a little bit. "It was _his _idea to tell Oogie Boogie about the farce!"

"Yeah, that's right!" Lock shrieked.

Barrel stuttered before replying with a meek, "But you guys s-said..."

"You should be ashamed!" Shock snapped at the flustered child.

"Ugh, oh my God, shut UP!" Sora yelled over their bickering, nearly pulling his hair out. "You're so annoying!" He started beating a nearby lever in order to vent, and after it was properly beaten, it opened a door to reveal the aptly named Torture Chamber. "...Oh, hey..."

"Oogie Boogie!" Jack said in a no-nonsense way, pointing at Oogie Boogie and looking very angry. "Give me back that farce!"

"You want it?" the potato sack asked, chuckling. "Then come on over here and pry it from my cold, dead stubs, suckers!" He threw the heart-shaped container into the air and as it came back down, he opened his mouth to laugh and accidentally swallowed it. "Oh, sweet mother of--" He gagged a bit, but then thought about things. I don't know, I'm no mind reader. "Now... let's see if we can get their attention... Farceless, ASSEMBLE!" He pulled out a conch shell and blew into it, which subsequently summoned two Farceless from thin air. "This is it? Tch. Nobody disrespects Oogie Boogie. NOBODY!"

Without saying anything (because anything would've been stupid anyway), Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Jack (somehow doing a whole big 'four player' party... like all Final Fantasy's BEFORE Seven da-hurr) beat the sack off of Oogie Boogie's bugs. Eeeewies.

_Some time later..._

"So then we fought our way back down to the bottom of the stairwell, only to be confronted by the HOUSE itself!" Sora told Sally and Dr. Finklestein.

"GASP!" they gasped in unison.

"However did you beat it?" Sally asked, looking shocked.

"Sad story, really," Jack sighed, adjusting his jumpsuit. What? You didn't think he got RID of that, did you? Gosh. "You see, he got that house from a newbie realter named like, Necrid or something, and little did he know that from all the scary lightning and rain, his foundation was ruined and his house suffered a lot of water damage. So in the end, he kind of caved in on himself and we really didn't have to do anything."

"Except beat a bunch of big, purple zits that were growing all over him," Sora reminded him.

"Oh yeah, that. That was disgusting, even for a Halloween-based world," Jack said, shaking his head.

"And then I sealed the Keyhole," the boy ended the story, looking very, very proud of himself.

"Well, despite the obvious deus ex machina," Dr. Finklestein said, "how did the farce work out?"

"It went 'plpth'."

"Oh. Darn."

"I'm so sorry, Sally," Jack said. He looked very apologetic. "Why didn't I listen to you?"

"Don't worry, Jack," Sally told him like the pacifist she is. She put her hands in Jack's. "We'll come up with another plan for Halloween... and next time, we'll do it together."

"Awwwww," cooed the audience. You can't tell me that didn't make you say that.

Jack then turned to Sora. "I guess we have no choice. We'll have to cancel the Farceless Halloween festival for now... Here, I want you to have this." He gave Sora a key chain for the Keyblade... huh? And then said, "Visit us any time, Sora. Next year's Halloween will be the scariest yet!"

Dr. Finklestein, meanwhile, was mumbling to himself to the side. Well! It's not like YOU care. And I aim to please, so...

TO BE CONTINUED!


	11. The Chapter About 1960 London

(Note: Look and you shall see my favorite line in the whole parody! (PS: It's the 'GAWK' thing.))

"Gawrsh!" Goofy gasped. "A big ship is catchin' up t'us!"

"Quit gawking! That's a pirate ship!" Donald quacked. I don't think he's had much to say in the past... six or so pages.

"GAWK!" Sora said.

Donald didn't know whether he was being a smart-aleck or actually being serious. Either way, the result was the same...

_Neverland_

_Some time later..._

Sora woke up, dazed and confused, in the ship. The pirate ship, you ding-dong. If he was still on the Gummi Ship, then he could just pump up the tunes and call over some friends and wreck the place while Donald and Goofy were gone. But no, he was on the pirate ship, and Donald and Goofy were nowhere to be seen.

"Whoa, déjà vu," he mumbled, remembering the Deep Jungle chapter. I mean... not every chapter has him wake up in the middle of the place after being hurled from the Gummi Ship. He stood up and shook his head. Then he turned to his left, where Riku was patiently standing, looking ready to make a big speech or something.

"Took you long enough," he murmured. "I didn't think you'd come, Sora."

"GASP!" Sora said with some delay. He was, after all, dazed and confused, so of course if you were like that you might take some time to react to things that suddenly present themselves to you. Like Riku, here. Except usually when I wake up, I'm not met with somebody so gay ready to tell me something.

"I missed you, too," Riku said sarcastically.

"Where are... uhh, the duck and the dog thing?" Sora asked, still kind of out of it.

"Are they that important to you?" the older boy asked, blatant bitterness in the inquiry. "More important than old friends? You know Sora, instead of worrying about them, you should be asking... about her." He moved to his left and pointed to a place a little higher on the deck of the ship (where Sora just realized he was, after looking around in a very groggy way for a moment) where there sat the slumped, depressed-looking Kairi.

Sora woke up immediately and jumped. "KAIRI!" he yelled in ALL CAPS because I guess he wanted to be annoying.

Riku chuckled smugly. "That's right. While _you_ were off goofing around, _I _finally found her."

But Sora was not listening. Instead, he shoved Riku out of the way (and almost overboard) and ran to Kairi.

The only hinderance was the fact that at that moment, a shiny metal hook obscured his vision. He let out a yelp, looked up, and met the sneer of Captain Hook. Get the pun? "Not so fast. No shenanigans aboard my vessel, BOY." He curled his mustache with his fingers and turned to his crew of Farceless. And Mr. Smee, of course. Then he chuckled and turned back to Sora.

"Riku!" Sora snapped at his friend (who he was seriously considering killing). "Why are you siding with the Farceless?"

"The Farceless obey me now, Sora. Now I have nothing to fear."

"You're stupid," said the younger boy, finally stating how the author's felt since the very beginning about Riku. "Sooner or later they'll swallow your humor!"

Riku laughed. "Yeah, right. They only feast on weak humor, Sora. And everybody on Destiny Islands knows that I'm the funniest kid in ninth grade."

"You were held back a year, you're still in eighth grade, stupid."

"You're one to talk! You're an idiot!"

"And you're a homo!"

"Ugh! I can't talk to you when you're like this," scoffed Riku, throwing his hands in the air. He held out a hand. "But I've picked up a few other tricks, too. Like this..." Before Sora appeared his exact replica. Well, it wasn't actually exact, what with it being the dark, shadowy, edgy version of him.

Sora scoffed, rolling his eyes. "What? So you've conjured up some doppleganger. Oh well, I guess it's not all bad. At least it doesn't look stupid. Like you."

Riku stared at him for a moment, expressionless. Then he frowned. "You can go see your friends now," he said quietly and obviously angrily.

With that, a hatch beneath Sora opened and he fell. Obviously.

Riku turned to Captain Hook. "Let's get this underway, already. Oh, and keep Sora away from Kairi until we're ready to land." That said, he left the scene to go wherever it is that gay people go. Possibly to France. Where he probably had croissants and met Raphael and they had a homosexual evening watching _Sex and the City_.

"Argh! That scurvy brat thinks he can order me around," grumbled Captain Hook to Mr. Smee. "Curse him to Davy Jones' locker!"

"Excuse me, Captain? But when did you start using real pirate euphenisms?"

"...ANYWAY," Captain Hook said in a very Northeastern accented way. He then switched back to his pirate voice. "The hold is crawling with Farceless. Let them keep an eye on the brats."

"But Captain, _you-know-who_ is also down--" Mr. Smee started quietly.

Captain Hook nearly smacked his night-cap-wearing first mate with his hook. "Shh! Did you hear that, Mr. Smee? That dreadful sound, that awful sound..."

"No, Captain..."

The captain wheeled round and grabbed Mr. Smee by the shoulders, then began shaking the poor man. "Are you quite sure? Are you sure you didn't hear it? Oh, goodness me..."

"I'm sorry, Captain... but no, I didn't hear it. Maybe you should take a vacation."

"Yes... yes, maybe I should," mumbled the captain pathetically, looking close to having a heart-attack.

_Meanwhile..._

"Gawrsh! You don't say?" Goofy said.

"Yeah, it was definitely Kairi!" Sora said in some kind of giddy anxiety. "I've finally found her! After all these days of searching! We're reunited!"

"Well so long as you don't sing a certain song," Donald coughed, "then we're happy for you, buddy."

"All right! Then let's go up and talk to her, a-hyuck," said Goofy.

"Yeah!"

"Sounds great," Donald said. "But um, first... GET OFF OF ME!"

Sora jumped up off the duck. "Oops, sorry about that, Donald."

Donald didn't answer. He was too busy hoping for Sora's early demise and dusting his clothes off to do so.

Afterwards, they looked around a bit and entered different rooms below deck and encountered many Farceless, and then they finally found a way up to the deck. Of course, it had only been two minutes, but it was like an eternity for them because of the damn Farceless.

"Ahem!" coughed a voice. They all jumped and looked around, but the person to whom the voice belonged was nowhere to be seen. "How ya doin' there? Lookin' for a way out?"

"BOB, is that YOU?" Sora gasped.

"...No." Peter Pan levitated down from the rafters.

"AAAAAAH he's possessed!" Sora screamed and cowered behind Donald and Goofy.

"Gwarsh, who're you?" Goofy asked, ignoring Sora.

"I," he said, jabbing his thumb to his own chest, "am the answer to your prayers."

"But we haven't been praying," Sora said from behind Donald.

"And how did you attain that position?" Donald asked skeptically, tapping one webbed foot against the floor. Skeptically.

"Okay then, fine. I'll just be like the tolerant people at Burger King--_have it your way_," Peter said almost bitterly. He crossed his arms and went to fly away.

"But you're stuck in here too, aren't you?" Sora asked.

Peter stopped mid-flight, turned on a dime, and smiled at him as if his previous comment had never been uttered. "Nope! I'm just waiting for someone, see. If I was _really_ stuck in here, I would be under some kind of distress and require the aid of possibly a group of rag-tag heroes on a quest for the greater good. But why in Neverland would I need _that_ kind of help?" He chuckled.

Sora, Donald, and Goofy gave each other quick, shifty glances and then Sora coughed. "Who are you waiting for?"

As if to answer his question, a glowing ball of sentient light--possibly a firefly--flew around in a circle, letting off little golden sparkles, before landing in Peter's hands. "Tinkerbell!" he exclaimed happily. "What took you so long?"

Tinkerbell answered in some weird, unspoken language. Probably telepathically or something. She didn't even move her lips!

"Great job," said Peter. "So you found Wendy?" He paused for a moment as the pixie answered him. "What? There was another girl there, too?" And then, apparently Tinkerbell had said something to make him upset. "Are you crazy? There is no way I'm gonna leave Wendy in there!"

"Ah, somebody's jealous," Donald said in a sing-song voice. Tinkerbell replied by flying up to him and kicking him square in the bill. "Ow! Why that little..."

"Oh, come on, Tink! Just open up the door!" Peter called after Tinkerbell. He heard Sora clear his throat behind him, so he turned back to our spikey-haired hero. "Oh right, introductions. I'm Peter Pan."

"I'm Sora... just Sora, I guess," Sora replied, and as they went to shake hands, Peter turned away from him. "Uh!"

"Okay, we're in this together," Peter told him. "But only 'til we find Wendy."

They ran around, killing Farceless brutally and occassionally complaining about how the camera moved. Then they came to the kitchen.

"So, uh, how come you can fly?" Goofy asked suddenly. Then again, that question had been on his compadrés' minds, so... "A-hyuck."

"Oh, it's easy," laughed Peter. "ANYONE can fly! You want to try?" He paused, then said, "All you need's a little pixie dust. And also, there's a certain level at which you must believe in yourself. You can't have low self confidence or you'll never get off the ground." He whistled, and Tinkerbell came flying in. "Aw, have you not cooled off yet, Tink?" They flew up and sprinkled sparkling golden pixie dust all over Sora, Donald, and Goofy.

Suddenly, this more serious thing I've been doing lately was just ruined by that sentence.

"There, now you should be able to fly," Peter told them, smiling widely.

Donald tried to fly the only way a duck knows--flapping his wings. However, since he is a horribly deformed cartoon character, he only succeeded in jumping into the air and landing on his feathery white waterfowl behind.

_Meanwhile..._

"What?" Captain Hook gasped, holding his hook up to his lips and almost impaling himself with it. Like a fish! "Wendy's not one of the chosen ones?"

"Pfft. NO," Riku answered. "There are seven, supposedly. I don't know, that's just what Maleficent has been telling me. But Wendy's not one of them... Hoist anchor as soon as possible. Leave all the dead weight behind, including her. And maybe those singing pirates you hired when we were parked at Disney World so Wendy could use the bathroom."

"_Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me..._" sang said pirates, doing a perfectly-coreagraphed dance with mops on the deck.

"I swear, if they sing that song from The Producers _one more time..._" Riku mumbled, glaring at them and shaking a fist in anger.

"After all the trouble of capturing her? Who will I have to antagonize?" The captain began to whimper and panic. But he regained his composure shortly thereafter and stood up straight. "And why those seven? What is Maleficent planning, anyway?"

"_It's a mystery_," Riku said in a hushed voice, waving his hands in the air mysteriously. He stopped abruptly and said, "Who knows? As long as it means getting Kairi's humor back, I care not."

"Hmph," hmph'd Captain Hook. "You're wasting your time, BOY! The Farceless have devoured that girl's humor. I'll stake me other hand on it!" He held up his hook hand, caught his mistake, then quickly switched to holding up his real hand. "Arr..."

Riku looked down at the floor determindly. "I _will_ find it... no matter what."

"Uhh, Captain?" came Mr. Smee's nervous voice. Captain Hook turned to his left, where some communication pipes were strategecally placed.

"What?" he snapped.

"The prisoners have escaped," Mr. Smee said meekly. "What's more... PETER PAN'S WITH THEM I'M SO SORRY!" There was an audible loud crash over the pipes.

Captain Hook turned away from the pipe and snapped his fingers. "Blast that Peter Pan!" he said, then he turned back and yelled into the pipe, "All right, then! Bring the hostage to my cabin, Mr. Smee! Hop to it!"

_Un-meanwhile..._

"What is it, Tink?" Peter asked the frantically pantomiming Tinkerbell.

"Yeah, is Little Timmy stuck in a well?" Sora asked. He and his Disney buddies (sans Peter and Tinkerbell) burst into hysterical laughter. "Oh, oh, I'm sorry, but I've been wanting to say that the whole time!" he managed to say between fits of chuckles, chortles, and giggles.

The other two kind of stared at them for a moment before deciding to ignore that and get back to their interrupted conversation. But it would not be, for at that moment, a familiar voice called down to him.

"Peter? Peter Pan?"

"Wendy!" Peter exclaimed, looking like he was going to explode with excitement.

"Please hurry! The pirates are... whatever are those three laughing about?" she asked, pointing at Sora, Donald, and Goofy, who had still not stopped laughing.

"Oh uh, long story. Bad joke, that's all."

"Ah, well. The pirates are coming!"

"Say WHAAAT?" Peter asked in a high-pitched voice. "I'll be right up there! Just hold on!"

Sora stopped laughing and jumped up. "Wendy?" he asked.

"Yes?"

"Is... is there another girl in there with you?"

Wendy looked to her left, where across the room sat Kairi who was still in the same slumped position she'd been in when Riku had found her. But Sora and Wendy don't know that. "Oh... why yes, but she seems to be asleep. Sitting upright and with her eyes partially opened. But she hasn't budged an inch."

"Kairi?" Sora asked. "Kairi!"

Kairi twitched a little. It could have been completely involuntary, but that would ruin the mood, so let's just say it was because she heard Sora's voice. But, even then, it could've been completely involuntary because when you're just sitting there, somebody calling your name can make you twitch. But enough of that.

This story isn't about involuntary twitching. If it was, then the last 155 pages would've been extremely boring.

Then Kairi was like, dragged away or something.

"Wendy!" Peter cried. He turned to Sora and the gang. "Hey, let's get up there!"

"Couldn't you use your power of flight to like, umm... accelerate enough to cause enough weight and force to be exerted on the grates so that they'd break?" Sora asked randomly.

Peter stared at him for a moment. "Well, I suppose if you wanted me to be turned into ground beef, that's a pretty good way of doing it. Everyone knows that that would happen."

"Not if you were head-first!"

"How do you know?" Peter scoffed, crossing his arms. "And how did we even get on this subject in the first place?"

"Well, I brought it up--"

"That was a rhetorical question."

"...Oh."

So they got their rears in gear and ran up to the door to the room that Wendy and Kairi were in. You know, a whole floor above where they had been before. Da-hurr. It's not like it was on the same part of the ship. That would be stupid.

Peter knocked on the door. "Wendy? Are you in there?" he asked, slamming the side of his face against the door. After a moment, he looked back at Sora and the Heartbreakers. "No answer..."

"Maybe she's being shy," Sora guessed, shrugging flamboyantly.

Everybody stared at him. "Shut up, Sora," Donald finally said with an unamused look.

"What? It might be true!"

"We're on a ship full of pirates. This no time to be joking like that."

"But it's a PARODY!"

"Of what?"

"I don't know. I'm just throwing things out at random now. You know. Like I usually do."

"Ah."

Now, you may be asking yourself, 'why the hell are these conversations so long?' and you may also be happy that I've not written chapters exceeding twenty pages since Agrabah. But that's all gonna change because I was surprised I could write so much before, so now I'm trying to extend the chapters again. Yes, it's a mistake that many people on the left side of politics make, counting their chickens before they hatch and whatnot, but I feel like there's so much more love and care put into longer chapters! I know that's a load of horse pucky, but I find that stories that are longer are sometimes better than the short ones. Except if they're written by fangirls. But let's say they're not. Let's say they're written by fans of a series who just want to write the hell out of it. And then they do, with love in every letter of every word on every page in every chapter. Think of how many sleepless nights the past hundred or so pages cost me. Not many, but still. Let's just say I have spent countless nights awake working on this.

Haha, distracted you!

"Riku wait!" Sora cried in frustration as Riku disappeared like a sissy for the umpteenth time in this fic. I'm not as patient with him as I am with Sora, so that's why you're not getting the exact number of times he's done that.

Then they fought ANTISORA!

"Argh!" Sora argh'd. Well, at first he did look horribly SHOCKED at having to face his dark half, but after a few seconds he just shrugged and shoved it out an open porthole. And for some odd reason he got the Raven's Claw accessory. "That was weird."

"Hey, let's go up this convenient hatch that wasn't here before," Peter pointed out. "At least... I don't think it was."

And so they did. Then they found Wendy, who looked like she'd been pistol-whipped or something.

"Wendy!" Peter said, zooming over to her. "Come on, Tink! Not now..." He turned to Sora's partay as if he hadn't been desperately searching for his pixie friend a moment ago, and said rather nonchalantly, "Well, this is as far as I can go. I've gotta help Wendy."

"Okay whateverz," Sora said in a very grammatically incorrect way.

_Some time later..._

"Quite an ass that Riku--running off with that girl and whatnot," Captain Hook said, curling his little mustache around his hook and giving Sora some kind of _look_. Like it was Sora's fault for Riku being there. Which, in some sense, may be true. The captain clicked his tongue. "And we didn't even exchange proper farewells."

"Tch, gosh. Where'd he go?" Sora asked petulantly. Yeah it's no big deal.

"To the ruins of Hollow Bastion, where Maleficent resides. But you shan't be getting there, ye little brine shrimp." He reached behind his back and pulled out a lantern with Tinkerbell inside. She pounded on the glass in vain. "Not without your wee bonny pixie lass, at least, hmm?"

"...I... I guess not..." Sora sighed, and the Keyblade disappeared in a flash of sparkles and glitter. He made a face at the image that had been burned into his retinas.

"Hand over the Keyblade, and I spare your lives," Hook said as the Farceless began surrounding our heroic partay. The captain chuckled. "Be glad I'm merciful, unlike the Farceless. So, which shall it be? The Keyblade, or the plank?"

_Tick, tock, tick, tock..._

"What was that?" Donald whispered to Goofy.

"Gawrsh... I dunno! Sounds kinda like a clock, Donald. A-hyuck."

_Tick, tock, tick, tock..._

Captain Hook grew rigid. If he wasn't holding the lantern with his hook hand, he would've dropped it and it would've shattered and Tinkerbell would've gone free and spread sparkles over Cinderella's castle. But that's not the case, is it? "I-i-it's _him_! Oh, Smee, he's after me other hand!" He ran to the side of the ship, where he kind of made a shooing motion with his hand. "Go away, you nasty beast! Away with you!" He cowered away a little from the side. "I... I can't stand even the sight of him! Smee, you take care of them, I'm going to the cabin!" He shoved the lantern into Mr. Smee's hands and ran off.

Smee poked Sora's back with his cutlass.

"I'm going, geez!" Sora griped, then inched forward.

"Too long!" shouted that one pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean and he stamped one foot on the plank, causing it to buckle and instantaneously make Sora stumble off of it and fall to his watery death at the hands of a crocodile.

"Fly Sora! Just believe, and you can do it!" came Peter's voice oddly fitting into the two seconds it usually takes somebody to fall into the sea from about ten feet up.

And in some other glorious improbability, Sora was suddenly flying through the air with the greatest of ease, just like the man on the flying trapeese. Mad rhyming skillz, suckah.

Peter flew in out of nowhere and grabbed Tinkerbell's imprisonment, then opened the little door on the lantern and set her free. Yay!

Sora floated up by the side of the ship and smiled at Peter. "Thanks!"

"Hey, don't mention it," Peter said modestly. "You didn't honestly think I'd leave you an' Tink behind, didja?"

"Uhh, is that a rhetorical question, too?"

Mr. Smee yelped and ran off to find Captain Hook. Gee! I don't remember him being such a wimp in the movie. Gosh.

Sora landed on the deck and pointed at the group of show-tune pirates, his eyes narrowed dangerously. "You're all going down!"

"Arr! But we just be a group of singing, dancing pirates!" the obvious leader of the group said. He wore a large hat and was the least scurvy-ridden one. He even had a parrot perched on his shoulder. "Ye wouldn't be the kind of person to kill an innocent group such as us, would ye?"

"...Uhh, yes. Yes I would be."

"Arr, I was hopin' that t'weren't yer answer," the leader of the show-tune pirates said disappointedly. He held up a mop and, with a loud 'arr' led the charge with his crew.

_Several minutes later..._

"Ye know, Captain, I think we should't o' taken just dance lessons at Disney World," said another pirate. They were all tied together around the mast, all of them very beat-up.

"Arr, close yer big mouth, ye scurvy dog," the captain said.

"Uhh, sorry guys!" Sora said. "But it had to be done."

The captain of the show-tune pirates managed to slip one arm out from the ropes that bound them together. "I'll get ye, and yer duck and dog thing too! Someday! Arr, someday, when I have me own ship an' don't have to latch m'self like a barnacle to the Disney Corporation!"

"Yeah!" his crew yelled in unison.

Sora, Donald, and Goofy laughed at their expense. Because for some reason I think seeing a bunch of blood-thirsty pirates tied together to the mast of a ship is both hilarious and also very frightening. Then the trio went to find Captain Hook.

_Some time later..._

Captain Hook heard a knock-knock-knockin' on his door and said, "Is that you, Smee? Did you finish them off?"

"Aye, Captain," said Mr. Smee's voice from beyond the door. "They walked the plank, every one of 'em."

Hook walked out of his cabin and felt a sharp poke in his rear end. Jumping and turning in surprise, he stared wide-eyed and furious at the snickering Peter Pan, who had his dagger drawn. "P-peter Pan! Blast you!"

"Ready to make a splash you codfish?" Peter said in some form of psuedo-insult, because, after all, this is DISNEY. But then, that didn't stop me from using the word ass, or bastard, or damn. But anyway. "Now it's your turn to walk the plank!"

Captain Hook snorted, rolling his eyes. "What, you think that was threatening in the least? At least when _I _threaten people, I do it with at least a little feeling."

"Aww, shut up!"

"Make me."

"I will!"

Then they got READY TO RUMBLE and a big fight took place, consisting of much poking, stabbing, hitting with blunt objects, and much button mashing.

At last, Captain Hook, exhausted and bruised and just a little bloodied, staggered to the side of the ship. "Arr! I'll get ye yet, Peter Pan! And your little bunch of misfits, too!"

"Aye, that's wha' we said!"

"Shut up, ye bilge rat!"

Everyone looked to the left. But the pirates were no longer lashed to the mast. And the mast was no longer there. Instead, they looked to the sea where the show-tune pirates had begun to swim toward land, still tied to the ship's mast; they had somehow snapped the mast off and that's how they were floating! Wow. That explanation would've been better about two sentences ago.

"Uhh," said Peter Pan, at a loss for words. So he just shoved Captain Hook over the side and the crocodile ate him up. Argh!

_Some time l8r_

Sora looked wistfully out an open port-hole, sighing dreamily every now and then, while Donald, Goofy, and Peter huddled in a corner, occassionally glancing worriedly over to the sighing, wistful boy.

"Gawrsh, if Kairi couldn't wake up, maybe she really has lost her--"

Donald nearly slapped him, but merely raised his staff in a threatening manner. "Shh!"

Peter turned to Sora with a slight smile. "Sora."

Sora, somehow blissfully unaware of the fact that Kairi had indeed lost her humor--EVEN THOUGH ALL THE SIGNS POINT TO IT!--he said, smiling widely, "I still can't believe it! I really flew. Wait 'til I tell Kairi... She'll never look at Riku in an interested way again! But then, that'll be kind of hard to believe..." He was obviously in denial.

Or maybe he really didn't know! Just think back to the GAWK comment.

"Well, you can bring her to Neverland sometime, and then she can try it herself," Peter said, also seemingly in denial.

"If you believe, you can do anything, right?" Sora asked, still smiling obliviously. "I'll find Kairi. I know I will. There's so much I want to tell her... about flying, and the pirates, and everything else that's happened! Oh man, I'll definitely attract her attention AWAY from Riku in some weird curve away from him in this diagram I somehow have." He pointed this out, as he, Riku, and Kairi were represented as stick-figures on some PowerPoint presentation, and an arrow starting at Kairi curved just as it was about to reach Riku, then pointed at Sora.

"Where'd you get that?" Peter asked.

"Where'd I get what?"

Indeed, the PowerPoint presentation had mysteriously disappeared.

Tinkerbell arrived to distract everybody from that little bit of idiocy.

"What's that, Tink? What about the Clock Tower? You say something's there?" Peter asked.

"You know, if I totally hadn't done that with my stuffed bear when I was like, five, this would be really awkward and creepy," Sora said. "You know. Not that it isn't now."

"Well ex-CUUUSE us!" Peter said, almost offended. "But she speaks very quietly and the only way to convey what she's saying to everyone else is for me to say it outloud, making me look a fool. But so long as Tink is happy, that's all I care about. I care about MY friends, Sora."

"Sorry."

"You should be."

"But geez, you didn't have to seem so bothered by it."

"Well I was anyway."

"..."

_Some time later..._

Sora sealed the Neverland Keyhole! Yay!

Then he had a flashback:

_"Hey Sora..."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"When we grow up, let's get off this island. It's so boring here. We need to see the world."_

_"Sure, whatever. Hey, wanna go see that new girl at the mayor's house?"_

_Meanwhile..._

Riku collapsed to the ground, trying to catch his breath.

"It was reckless to bring her here without using a vessel," Maleficent said as if it were obvious which it actually kinda was. But Riku's common sense does not exist. "Remember, relying too heavily on the powers of the dark could cost you your humor."

A loud roar echoed throughout the place they were in, but in the script it just says 'a noise was heard from behind', which I think is an understatement.

"Wha..."

"A castaway," Maleficent answered, waving a hand dismisively. "Though his world perished, his humor did not. When we took the princess from his castle, he apparently followed her here through sheer force of will. Kind of like you but with more wits about him."

Riku made a 'WELL' face.

"But fear not. No harm will come to you; you are a pubescent child but he is no match for your power."

"...Gee, when it's said like THAT I seem considerably less cool."

"Not that you were in the first place," said nobody in particular. Then he left because that's what he seems to do best.

"Uhh... my power?"

"Yes, the untapped power that lies within you. Now, child, it's time I gave you this costume that makes you look somewhat like a dominatrix intern and that I tapped into this power and you to realize your full potential."

"What was that about a dominatrix?"

"Nothing, child."

_Un-meanwhile..._

"Peter, are you really going back to Neverland?" Wendy asked in almost a whine. She was standing on the clock tower, as Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Peter floated nearby. I think.

"'Fraid so," Peter said not looking sorry about it at all. "But we can see each other any time, so long as you don't ever forget about Neverland. That would suck."

They held hands and smiled at each other. But Tinkerbell wouldn't have that and slammed into Wendy at five-miles per hour, effectively sending the girl flying from the top of the clock tower. Luckily, Peter caught her before she got very far, which just steamed Tink's broccoli even more. Yeah by now it's really random I know but bear with it.

"Ugh, gosh, Tink. Hey Sora, mind watching her for me?"

"What? No!" Sora said, but Peter didn't listen and the summon Tinkerbell was bestowed upon him. Sora made a face at him. But on the up-side, he learned the Glide ability and got a new keychain so then he didn't care and forgave Peter.

"Well, we found the Navi-Gummi piece," Donald said, holding up said piece of Navi-Gummi. "Let's go back to town."

"Halloween Town?"

"...No. Traverse Town. You idiot."

"Oh, yeah. Traverse Town."

They all stared at him.

_qpqpqp_

_dbdbdb_

_SORRY FOR THE CRAPPY JOKES AND LACK OF HUMOR!_

_I just watched a very stupid series of fan-dubs on YouTube that made me laugh extremely hard and now I'm having trouble thinking._

_Just bear with it, please. All will be well soon._

_LUV AND PIECE!_

_Wolf McCloud-123_

_qpqpqp_

_dbdbdb_

"Ah!" gasped Sora.

"What?" asketh Donald.

"What the heck was that note up there?"

"Oh that. That was the author. She's sorry for the idiocy of a ninteen-year-old boy who can only think about making fun of gays and drugs," Donald explained.

"Oh. OH! Okay. But... why?"

"Like all other fourteen-year-old girls, the author of this story has a short attention span. But obviously it's large enough for her to write a 164-page novel of a parody."

"Tch. Mine isn't big enough for me to count to ten!" Then he started counting as an example and only got to five before he took off for the Gummi Ship.

TO BE CONTINUED!


	12. NOT Hollow Bastion cuz Pooh Deserves It

"Looks like you found another one," Cid said, eyeing the Navi-G piece and rubbing his fuzzy chin. "Okay, wait here. I'll get it installed right away. And by 'right away' I mean it'll be ready in two weeks. And by 'in two weeks' I mean get a room at a hotel because it's going to be months until I have it done."

"Aw, man," whined Sora.

_Several months later..._

"Well, it's finally done!" Cid told them. He patted the Gummi Ship. "Now ya'll can do something you weren't able to do before in the ship. Like go to really really far places and use wormholes and stuff."

They went to board the Gummi Ship, but Donald stopped Goofy and Sora. "Goofy! Remember the speech we rehersed?"

"Gawrsh! Of course, Donald." He turned to Sora. "Now, just remember what Donald said to ya way back when we first met, about five months ago, about how our ship is fueled. It's fueled by smiles. So no frowning!"

"But... how can you be so cheerful? There's still no sign of your king... Aren't you worried?" Sora asked, looking very, very depressed.

"Of course we are you idiot," Donald snapped. "But, as the audience has been reminded about a dozen times: We're Disney characters. We are not paid to frown." He accented all of the words in that sentence by poking Sora in the chest.

"The king told us to go out and find the keybearer, and that's you," Goofy continued for Donald. "So as long as we stick together like two eighth grade boys stuck together with super-glue, it'll all work out okay. Ya just gotta believe in yourself, a-hyuck."

Sora looked unsure of himself and closed his eyes. "Just believe..."

"_I believe in you_."

_Wtf?_ Sora's brain asked. Sora opened his eyes, only to find himself suspended in the air in a library. "Where am I?"

"Long ago, in a galaxy far away, people lived in peace, and all humor was good. Everyone loved the humor. Then people began to fight over what jokes were better and if 'yo mama' jokes were actually funny or not and gangs beat each other up because really? Yo mama jokes are loads of--uhh, never mind," said an old woman who shall be known as Kairi's Grandmama. "They wanted the right to call their jokes the ultimate. And bad humor was born in their farce. The bad humor spread, swallowing the humor and many people's farce. It covered everything, and the world disappeared. But small fragments of the pure humor survived...in the farce of children. With these fragments of good jokes, the children rebuilt the lost world. It's the world we live in now. But the true good humor sleeps, deep within the bad. That's why the worlds are still scattered, divided from each other. But someday, a door to the innermost bad humor will open, and the true good humor will return. So, listen, child: Even in the deepest idiotic fart jokes, there will be an actual good joke to guide you. Believe in that, and the bad humor will never shift you over to the dark, immature side and defeat you in one fell swoop. Your farce will shine with its power and push the stupid jokes away. Do you understand, Kairi?"

"Nope," said Little Kairi, shaking her head.

"KAIRI?" Sora gasped loudly. "Hey, hey Kairi! Up here! Woo-hoo, Kai--HEY! I'M TALKIN' TO YOU! Kai... Kairi! Hey! Look up here! Kairi! Kairi, if you don't look up here right now I'll--"

"--make sure your life is a living oh hello Donald," Sora said, opening his eyes to find Donald and Goofy giving him major 'wtf' looks.

"Uhh, what's the matter?" Goofy asked.

"Um, nothing, nothing at all!" Sora smiled, then turned away and looked up into the sky wistfully. "Kairi... did you call me?"

"That place is crawling with Farceless," Cid said to them. Of course. "Don't say I didn't warn ya."

"?" Sora said. Yes, he actually said that. How? I don't know.

"Here, take this along." He handed Sora a Transform-G piece, then Sora and his HOMIES boarded the Gummi Ship for real.

"New world, here we come!" Donald said enthusiastically.

"Gawrsh, hold up there, Donald," Goofy said. "We don't know what's out there. Why don't we revisit other worlds first? I'm sure we'll find--"

"That's gay, Goofy," Sora said then pushed Goofy out of the Donald Chair and navigated them towards the last world on the map. Of course, he wasn't exactly expecting Donald to kick him out of the Donald Chair as well, and steer them right back to Traverse Town, where he and Goofy dragged Sora to the Old House/Cavern/Whatever you want to call it. "What? Why are we back here?"

"Because we found these--" Donald held up a big wad of torn pages. "--when you weren't looking as we traveled the worlds, and now we've gotta finish this little sub-world. Now come here!"

_Some time later..._

Sora got up, dusting his pants off and grumbling to himself about 'defiant ducks who have horrible tempers'. Then he looked around and nearly had a heart attack because he was either really really excited or really really freaked out. "Oh my gosh! I'm in that old copy of Winnie the Pooh!"

_Hundred Acre Wood_

Indeed he was! Everything was bright and cheery (a goth's nightmare), butterflies fluttered around the flowers and there were stray honeypots scattered around the little trail Sora had landed in. In front of him was a tree that had part of a house sticking out of it, and in front of that house was a little yellow bear with a red shirt, looking like he was pondering on a log.

"Think, think, think," said the bear. "Think, think, think..."

Sora approached him. "Hey, what's up?" he asked.

"Nothing," said the bear, not looking up. "Just thinking."

"...Oh."

"I was thinking of how to say good-bye to Pooh."

Sora snickered immaturely. Then he tried to make a straight face. "...Pooh?"

"Yes?" Pooh asked, looking up.

"Oh. You're Pooh?"

"Yes," Pooh repeated. "Winnie the Pooh, really. But everyone calls me Pooh for short. Who are you?"

"I'm Sora."

"Well, hello Sora. Have you come to say good-bye to Pooh, too?" Even though the subject seemed a little depressing, Pooh was smiling obliviously.

"Umm, no, not really. I mean, we just met, didn't we?"

"Yes, but everyone else is gone."

"What do you mean?"

Pooh sighed an almost over-exaggerated sigh. "You see, we all lived here in the Hundred Acre Wood, and we'd always take walks together or play Pooh sticks--"

"Hahaha. Pooh."

"--and everyday, I'd eat some honey. Just one small smackeral would taste very good right now..." He drifted off dreamily, but then went back to explaining: "But now, everyone's gone. All my friends, and my favorite Hunny Tree, too. Everyone must've gone away while I was napping, I think..." He hopped up off the log. "So, who knows? Maybe I shall end up going away somewhere, too. But I wonder... how do I say good-bye to myself? Think, think, think..." He tapped his forehead in thought.

"Oh that's easy." Sora laughed. "You just say 'good-bye me!'. I've done it before, but it got kind of confusing when I started telling myself to wear clean underwear."

Apparently, Pooh had either been too deep in thought to hear that or just ignored the idiocy coming from the boy, because he held his growling stomach and said, "Oh! My tumbly's getting rumbly." Then he ambled into his house.

Sora stood there for a moment, then looked thoughtful. "I do believe that's the fifty-first time I've been ignored in the course of this little adventure..." Then he started to count it up on his fingers, and when he was done, smiled. "Yep! Definitely fifty-one times."

Then Sora went to Pooh's house, somehow not even having to stoop down a little because of the low ceiling (he's pretty short, don't you think?), where Pooh was pigging out on some honey from a honeypot. Da-hurr. Any beaver could've told you that. No I don't know what I'm talking about, I just counted up how many times Sora's been ignored.

"Oh bother," Pooh sighed, dropping the honeypot disinterestedly. "There's no more honey left... if only the Hunny Tree would visit... Then I could eat my fill." Pooh left his house.

And so did Sora. Because he got bored after he forgot what he was doing in there in the first place.

"Let me guess:" said a talking owl who had just landed in front of him. "You'd like to know what happens next. However, there are some pages miss... Oh! Never mind. I guess you've found them, haven't you?"

"Yeah," laughed Sora, gaining a shifty look. "_I_ found them..."

"Well, go on, off with you to see what happens next!" Owl said, then looked like he was about ready to dive at Sora and tear his eyes out. But he composed himself at the last moment and flew off instead.

Sora then ran off to the next area, which was a pop-up illustration of a tall tree. Yes, a pop-up illustration of a tall tree. He was in a book for Cait Sith's sake.

"Hello? I-is anybody there?" stammered a tiny voice from inside a hollow log. A little piglet poked his head out, looked left, then right, then inched out of the log. "Oh dear. Wh-wh-wh-what do I d-d-do? I'm all alone... Pooh? Pooh? Where are you? It's me, Piglet..." And just when he had made up his mind to break into a musical number, Sora showed up. And Piglet, not being larger than one of Sora's shoes/feet, scampered off into the log again. "D-d-d-d-don't eat me!"

"Aww, don't worry little guy," Sora said, kneeling down and looking down inside the log. "I'm allergic to pork."

"R-really? Oh dear! I was j-just... N-never mind. I'm sorry!"

"Don't be scared. You're looking for--" He looked away from Piglet and laughed, then bit his tongue to stop. "--Pooh, right?"

Piglet's eyes brightened up a little, and he said, "You know Pooh? Oh, y-you s-see, I have something for him... I have to take it to Pooh r-right away!" He looked to his left, where Pooh was walking up the path. "Pooh!"

"Oh, I believe I smell a delicious something," Pooh mumbled quietly, patting his belly. "A something like honey."

"Pooh!" Piglet repeated, running up to the little bear.

"Hello, Piglet," Pooh hummed. "How have you been?"

"I-I'm so glad to see you, Pooh," Piglet stammered. "I thought you'd gone away... I br-brought what you asked for." He pulled a bright-red balloon from behind his back, and handed it to Pooh.

"Thank you, Piglet," Pooh said. "Now I can finally have some honey."

"Really? But how?"

"I shall hold onto this balloon, and fly up like a bee into the Hunny Tree, see." Pooh chuckled at his mad rhyming skillz.

"But... if you take their honey, won't the bees be angry?" Piglet asked, using rational thought.

"Hmm... Well, I must admit, Piglet. I hadn't thought of that. Oh bother, and I'm so hungry." He rubbed his tummy as it growled again.

Well, getting back to Sora. He had stood there, watching the scene unfold, and now that he was sure that they were done talking (he hadn't actually been paying attention, just heard some random words with his selective hearing, 's'all), he walked up to Pooh and decided to ask what had happened.

However, Pooh spoke first, and said, "If only you could chase away those bees, I'm quite certain I could get a small morsel of honey. Would you help me get some honey?"

_Hmm... Should I help Pooh (hahahahaha, ha) get some honey? _Sora thought, then nodded. "Okay!"

Pooh smiled (more than he had been, anyway), then looked a little to his left where Owl had landed behind Sora. "Oh, hello Owl."

Sora turned around, where indeed the large bird of prey was perched on a stump. "Good day, Pooh. What are you doing? Using a balloon to get some honey? Splendid idea! But, allow me to offer a few pointers." He put a wing up to his beak and cleared his throat. "Now, Pooh can get honey by floating up this tree with his balloon. The honey is inside the tree hollows, now the beehives you see here--" He indicated several beehives on the tree. "--and there's quite a lot of honey in these holes. If Pooh gets too close, the bees will come out to protect their honey. If they get to Pooh, they'll pop his balloon. Lock onto the bees and swat them away. The more time Pooh has at each hollow, the more honey he can eat. There's more honey higher up, too. If jumping from branch to branch proves troublesome, use the Rush command, which will get you to Pooh quickly. But... it isn't fully reliable. Good luck anyway."

"That had to be the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. Bees don't protect their honey! They protect the QUEEN, stupid. Plus they just don't like people messing with them. And if _I _swatted them away, they would just come back at _me_ and sting me! I learned this all in the boy scouts _and_ through personal experience. Which wasn't as fulfilling or nearly as fun as the boy scouts."

"Good luck anyway," said Owl after a pause, completely ignoring that rant.

_Several bee stings later..._

"That was yummy in my tummy," Pooh sighed, looking somewhat satisfied. "But, it seems there's still room for some more."

"Oh no (ow)," Sora said, fidgeting uncomfortably. "Do we have to (ow) get more honey from the (ow) tree?"

"No, no, I know someone who's got plenty of honey," Pooh said, then paused, thinking. "But why I didn't think of him before is beyond me. Oh well. No harm done in forgetting him, right Sora?" He smiled up at the boy, whose face began to twitch in irritation (at both the bee stings and the fact that Pooh hadn't had the sense to remember that one of his friends had the honey he wanted).

"_Sure_," Sora seethed, his hands clenched into tight fists.

He then followed Pooh to the pop-up illustration of Rabbit's house, which included a bunch of vegetable patches.

Once he was there, he met Piglet (who was standing right outside of Rabbit's house, along with Pooh who was standing at the front door). "Look! Rabbit's house c-came back. But it looks like Rabbit isn't home. Pooh's been calling and calling, but the house says no one's home."

"Excuse me," said Pooh, knocking on the door.

"Go away! Nobody's here!" came a nervous voice from inside.

"...Excuse me," said Pooh, knocking on the door.

"Nope! Nobody's still at home!"

"...Excuse me."

"Nobody's home, okay? Just leave!"

"...Excuse me."

"Wow, even _I'm_ not that persistant," Sora commented, crossing his arms in some form of admiration.

"Who is this person named Nobody?" Pooh asked mostly himself, but it was heard by everyone present so it wasn't really to himself as much as it was to everyone else. Inadvertantly, of course. So Pooh swung around the back, and poked his head through a hole in the ground that seemed to run through into the house. "Nobody, have you seen Rabbit?"

"No! No Rabbit here! There's _no one_ here!"

Sora, not one to let up on seeing random Dinsey characters interact with each other, ran to the front door and entered without knocking or indicating that he was coming in at all, which in retrospect was both rude and made him seem like some random hooligan. Yeah. Sure.

"Hello, Rabbit," Pooh said to the yellow Rabbit.

"Why, uhh, Pooh," Rabbit said, looking like he really didn't want to be there. "What a... a pleasant surprise... Nice to see you, too, Piglet. And... Oh! Is this a new friend? P-Pooh I'm sorry, but for the moment I'm all out of honey."

"No you're not, Mr. Bunny, there's a pot up here," Sora said, then reached up and brought a honeypot down from the rafters. "See?"

Rabbit slapped his forehead. "O-oh... well, how'd th-that get up there, huh?" He sighed forlornly and loudly, then turned to Pooh with a false smile. "So, um, Pooh... would you like some honey?" He added quickly, "Don't feel you have to, of course."

"Oh, no. I would be very pleased if I could just have one small smackeral of that delicious, mouth-watering, lip-moistening honey, Rabbit," Pooh said, then the author and Sora realized that they were really hungry.

"Oh man," Sora groaned, looking down at his growling stomach. "That's right... I haven't had anything to eat since I left my island." And he was understandably surprised that he wasn't skin-and-bones yet. In fact... he hadn't seemed to change at all! 'S'probably cuz of that little pudge he has. You know. Just look at an illustration of Sora. It's there. It's kind of unsightly and with his jumpsuit's pants it makes his butt look big, but once you think about it, he's just a little adolescent boy and hasn't really had any time to tone his potential abs. He's not COMPLETELY in shape!

But anyway. Enough of my stupid ranting.

Pooh started to eat honey. And he ate it good. "Mm..." he said, licking his lips.

"Uhh, Pooh, umm... you're... you're not going to eat all of that honey, are you?" Rabbit asked nervously, wringing his hands. "No, no I'm sure you are... Never mind my asking, just go right ahead and... and eat your little heart out... (sigh)"

Sora decided to forge outside a little while since he was so hungry and starved and all, but as soon as he dug up some carrots, washed them off in the stream that ran through Rabbit's property, and peeled them, he heard a cry from inside the house.

"H-help! Please help Pooh!"

Upon arriving back in the house, Sora couldn't help but laugh at both the double entandre of Pooh being stuck in a hole in the tree, and the fact that he heard the bear's name again.

"Oh, help and bother," sighed Pooh but it didn't really seem like being stuck was bothering him all that much. "I'm stuck a_gain_. You see, I came through this hole, so it must have shrunk..."

Sora went outside and around to the back, where Pooh's upper torso and head were sticking out of the hole. "Oh, how will I eat honey if I'm stuck? When it's lunch time, could you maybe bring me a jar of honey? Hmm?"

"Oh no!" came Rabbit's voice from inside. "No honey 'til you're unstuck, Mister!" He ran out to where Sora was standing with Pooh. "Now, if Pooh doesn't slim down, my house will stay plugged forever! (Good-bye cool summer nights...) If only... Oh wait. There _is_ something we can do! A bit of carrot top juice can--"

"Hey, hey, I was stuck once, too, Mr. Bunny," Sora said, holding up a hand in the rabbit's face, thusly silencing the rodent. "And what _we _did was use butter."

"Umm... butter? Oh, you mean like for your toast. Well, I'm fresh out of butter, but that carrot top juice would--TIGGER NO!" He jumped a few feet into the air, and as Sora turned around to see what the rodent was so upset about, he was knocked over and landed upon by something.

"Hey, there! The name's Tigger!" said the something. "T-I-double-guh-RR! That spells Tigger!" The stuffed tiger looked at Sora with a smile. "Well, now! I don't think I've seen _you_ around here before!"

"Hello, Tigger," Pooh chuckled from his place stuck in the hole. "You've just bounced my new friend Sora. Sora, Tigger; Tigger, Sora."

Tigger bounced, landing right on Sora's gut. "Hey, Pooh! Say, sumffin' seems _different_ about you today. You look really uncomfy there, stuck and all. Is that some new-age exercise? Well, bouncin' is LOADS more fun!" He demonstrated this, bouncing on his tail several times as Sora decided that enough was enough was enough and stood up, knocking Tigger flat on his bouncy ass. Oh wait. Bouncy _rear-end._

"Why do you bounce around so much, Tigger?" Sora asked, trying to fix his hair which had been horribly oppressed in that random fit of bouncing.

"Why?" Tigger said. "I'll tell you why!" Some music started up, but was interrupted as the surrounding area seemed to undergo a category-seven earthquake. Tigger stumbled, tripped, and bounced off into the carrot patch.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Rabbit yelled in slow motion as Tigger fumbled about in the garden, ripping and bouncing on the carrots, throwing the orange roots about... It was all very dramatic and heartbreaking to Rabbit, as was evident as he collapsed and began sobbing into his hands. "Why? _WHY_? Tigger you've just ruined _everything_! No carrot top juice! No Pooh getting out of my home! I'm stuck with him FOREVER!"

"Oh, don't be such a worry wort, Mr. Bunny," Sora said, rolling his eyes. "You've still got like, five carrots left." He winced as Tigger did some weird move in mid-air that pretty much destroyed the rest of the carrots. "Oh, nope... make that half of one carrot."

_RRRRIIIIIP!_

"No carrots... Sorry, Mr. Bunny," Sora said, shrugging. Then he smiled. "Now about that butter..."

_Some time later..._

"Okay, so I went to the dollar store and bought you some butter," Sora said, shoving a paper bag into Rabbit's arms, nearly knocking the poor rabbit down.

"Oh, what a day! I'll go lube him up..." He shuddered a little bit and wrinkled his nose, but went to do it anyway. "Follow me."

Sora followed Rabbit back into his house, Rabbit applied the butter, then he turned to Sora. "All right, now give him a big push!"

"Okay."

_Meanwhile..._

"Hmm-mm!" Pooh giggled like the little laundry detergeant bear with the blanket. Oh wait, no, I'm thinking of the Pilsbury Doughboy. Sorry about that. "Something's tickling me in a very tickly place." With that, he was shoved out of Rabbit's house's hole and flew head-first into a jar of honey that happened to be innocently sitting there.

"First my vegetable patch and now _this_..." Rabbit muttered like a wife or something. He and Sora were looking at Pooh from the entrance of his house. He walked off, still murmuring things.

Sora decided to go see Pooh. Haha. Pooh.

"Oh, bother," Pooh sighed. "Where am I? It's awfully dark in... wherever I may be. But, I suppose it isn't too bad. At least there's plenty of honey..."

"So, you got your honey," Sora said, smiling warmly at Pooh. "That's great, Pooh."

"Oh yes," Pooh said, turning his head in the totally opposite direction of where Sora was standing. Sora turned him the right way. "Oh. Well, if it weren't for you, I don't think I'd ever have this honey!"

"You're welcome."

With that, Sora left the little pop-up he was in, and moved onto the next.

"Look, Pooh," said Piglet, pointing a stubby hand at something floating down a crik. By 'crik' I mean 'small flowing body of water', aka a stream. Geez. "Something is floating this way."

"I believe you are correct, Piglet," Pooh said, looking as well. "What ever could it be?" As the something approached, they saw a familiar donkey friend. "Oh, why... it looks like Eeyore! Hello, Eeyore, if it is you."

"Hello, Pooh," sighed Eeyore in that depressed way. "Yes, it's me. Eeyore. Could you pull me out? Not that you want to. You don't really have to, you know. Only if you feel up to it. Not that you would."

"Well, aren't you a little ray of sunshine?" Sora asked, fishing Eeyore out of the crik.

"Thank you, Pooh. Thank you, other you." Eeyore sighed. "You know, floating out there, it seemed like something was missing. And it still feels that way. It always does."

"GASP!" gasped Piglet. "Eeyore's tail is gone!"

"Oh no!" Pooh and Sora said, slapping their cheeks in surprise.

"Is that what's missing, Eeyore?" Piglet asked with the utmost concern in his voice.

"Hmm... maybe."

"Lost something?" said a familiar voice. They all turned to their left. But no, nobody was there. So they turned to their right, where Owl was patiently waiting for them to finish turning to their right. "Searching from a high place is a great way to find something!"

"Can you do it, Mr. Owl?" Sora asked with a naïve look.

"Hmm... Let's see... I'm an _owl_... we're _nocturnal_... NO, I cannot. My eyesight in the light is next to horrible," Owl said, sounding somewhat cranky. His wings twitched a little bit. "BUT, I can offer good advice. You see, there is a swing up there--" He indicated it by nodding toward it. "--which you're too big for..."

"Are you calling me fat?" Sora asked with a 'WELL' look.

"Not at all, boy! I was just commenting on how... tall you were," Owl lied.

"Oh, well if that's all..."

_A few minutes later..._

"Okay, Pooh's in the swing," Sora said. "What do we do now, Mr. Owl?"

"We push Pooh... OUT of the swing."

Sora raised his eyebrows. "Huh? Push him out? After he just got in?"

"Exactly."

"That makes no sense!"

"It doesn't have to," Owl said, then cleared his throat. "First, get ready to push." Sora did so. "Then, just give Pooh a good push--and OFF he goes!"

Indeed, Sora had pushed Pooh so violently out of the swing that the bear had lost his grip and seating and was sent flying, a yellow-and-red mass of... limbs and such, I guess. They watched him go in awe, but this was cut short as he landed on a small tent-shaped pile of sticks that fortunately or not cushioned his fall.

Of course, him being a stuffed bear and all, he probably felt nothing.

Then again... refer to Chapter Seven's idea on logic in SquareEnix games.

Eeyore looked slightly to his side, where his tail was. "Oh, it was just in my house all this time." He was silent for a moment, then sighed. "Oh well. Guess that was all for nothing."

Sora glared down at them. "This world is enraging me more and more by the second." But he jumped off the hill anyway, and ran over to where Pooh and Eeyore were standing, then helped Eeyore re-attach his tail.

"How's it looking?" Pooh asked, trying to see what Sora was doing.

"There we go!" Sora said, backing up and surveying his work.

"I know it's not much of a tail, but it's mine," Eeyore sighed in a very depressed way. "Thanks everyone."

"I wish we could put the Hundred Acre Wood back the way it used to be, too!" Pooh lamented randomly.

Sora then left to some other place.

The other place in question was a bunch of tree stumps in the middle of a clearing.

"This here is my bouncin' spot," Tigger said to a small kangaroo with a blue shirt. "We can bounce around here all day!"

"Nothing beats bouncin'!" the small kangaroo said enthusiastically, nodding in agreement.

Tigger turned to Sora. "You wanna bounce too, Sora? It's lotsa fun!"

_Lotsa fun, huh?_ Sora thought. He looked thoughtful, then made an excited face. "Okay!"

"To bounce with the finest, you'll need some pointers from the finest," the kangaroo--Roo--said matter-of-factly.

Owl landed on a nearby tree-stump.

Roo pointed at him with a _look_. "You're not the finest!" he said.

"Oh, believe me," Owl sighed. "I know, I know. I can't bounce with my razor-sharp talons that extend from my stubby-yet-muscular legs that are used to pick up vermin like you."

Roo cringed and hid behind Sora's legs.

Tigger tapped Sora on the arm. "This way, please!" he said, then bounced off. Roo followed, then Sora did, too. They came to the group of stumps, and Tigger turned toward them. "Do as I do." He and Roo jumped onto the stumps and bounced in a pattern.

"A-ha! A memory challenge? Pishaw, I can remember ANYTHING!" Sora said, pounding his chest proudly.

"When's your birthday?" Roo asked.

"That's easy! It's August... umm... no... July? Oh crap! I forgot my birthday again!" Sora said, stomping on the ground.

"Just jump, kiddo," Tigger said.

Sora did just that, almost perfectly.

"Now we'll mix it up," Tigger told him, then Tigger and Roo did a more complex bounce routine.

Sora copied it... again.

"Wow! You're catchin' on fast, Sora!" Tigger said. Then he narrowed his eyes as he got a major close-up. "But now you'll have to face our Olympic Bouncin' Routine. Roo! Alpha Formation XYZ!" He and Roo did a high-five and proceeded to do the most professional-looking bouncing combination that the world had ever seen.

Sora looked lost and confused. So he pointed in a random direction and shouted, "Hey, look over there!" then ran away to the next pop-up story.

"What are you doing, Pooh?" he asked Pooh, as they both stood on the muddy path.

"Shh!" Pooh shushed him. "Quiet, or they'll get away!"

"Who's 'they'?" Sora whispered.

"The people who took everyone away," Pooh said, indicating the footprints in the mud. "See these footprints? We were sticking together to make sure no one got lost again. But then, I saw some footprints that needed following. Then I turned around, and everyone was gone! Bad people must've taken them away... You can only imagine my inner turmoil and pain."

Sora was looking at the stubby footprints. "Umm, Pooh, these footprints look like... I think they're... uhh, never mind. Let's go look for your friends." He turned to his left, where Eeyore was blatantly inside of a bush. "Hey, Eeyore! Whatcha doin'?"

"Lookin' for sticks for my new house," Eeyore drawled.

"Sticks for your house?" Sora looked around at the cavernous shrubbery they were in. "This place already feels like a house... Why don't you just live here? You get free food." He laughed inwardly at his funny. "Seems like a great spot to gather everyone once we find them."

With that, Sora left the bush and rounded up Pooh's lost buddies.

_Some time later..._

"I'm so glad that we're all together again," Piglet said. They were all gathered on a hill on a starry night, sitting on a comfortable log. "I never know what to do when I'm alone..."

"Aw, Piglet, you gotta be brave!" Tigger said, patting the piglet on the back.

Piglet looked up at Tigger. "W-weren't you lonely at all?"

"Naw," Tigger scoffed. "I'm a Tigger! The most wonderful thing about Tiggers is I'm the only one!" he recited in a sing-song voice. "But, I admit... friends are awfully fun, too!"

"Think, think," Pooh said, tapping his temple.

"Hey, Pooh, what are you thinking about now?" Sora asked.

"Oh, I'm just thinking about what to think about," Pooh replied.

Sora gave him a 'wtf' look. "Umm... okay... Well, I better be going." He hopped off the log and started to walk away.

"Sora, where are you going?" Piglet asked.

"I'm gonna go look for my friends. They're waiting for me."

"Bounce on back now, y'hear?" Tigger called.

"I hope you find your friends!" Piglet said.

They all started waving good-bye to him.

Pooh smiled and said, "Don't ever forget... We'll always be here. If you'd like to visit again, that is."

Sora smiled warmly, then snickered. "Pooh..." He struggled to keep a straight face, then left the book, where a cover had been made: It was of Sora, Pooh, Tigger, and Piglet walking down a road.

"So how was it?" Donald asked.

"Huh? Oh. It was... interesting..." Sora said, then shook his head. "Well! Let's get going!"

TO BE CONTINUED!


	13. The Return of Kairi

(Note: Kairi is like my fourth favorite character, but the title of this chapter was too funny.)

Goofy pointed randomly in some direction and said, "Gawrsh, look at that!"

Sora looked thoughtful. "I know this place..."

"I wonder why? A-hyuck."

"I don't know, but I have this warmth inside, right here," he patted his stomach.

"Aww, you're just hungry," which is how Donald wrote it off. Meaning that yes, that was a statement. By Donald.

"Hey, I'm serious!"

"_ROOOOAAAR_!"

"Oh, never mind. I guess you were right." He gave a lop-sided smile. "I _do_ have the strangest urge to eat chicken dumplings all of a sudden."

"That wasn't your stomach, you moron. It came from inside that castle!" Donald pointed his wizardin' staff towards the creepy-looking castle in the distance. "Let's go!"

_Hollow Bastion_

"No vessel, no help from the Farceless," Riku said, his arms crossed. He looked over the giant Beast in front of him skeptically. "So, tell me. How'd you get here?"

"I simply believed," Beast rumbled. "There's nothing more to it. When our world was drowned in bad humor, Belle was taken from me. I vowed I would find her again, no matter if it cost me an arm or a leg or a horn or fifty dollars. I _believed_ I would find her, and since this is where I ended up, she must be here. And I will have her back!"

"Take her... if you can."

Beast was understandably angered by this pubescent boy's confidence and unbelievably gay style of dress, so he lunged at Riku with serious intent to kill. Alas... he never got to maul Riku like he or the author wanted, and Riku ended up doing a Neo dodge and impossibly injuring Beast. How he did that is beyond me because logically if Sabor managed to break Sora's pelvis then Beast should've been able to at least snap Riku's spine. It's like setting up a St. Bernard against a chiuaua. Riku being the chiuaua, obviously.

"Stop!" came Sora's voice from the doorway as he ran over to where Riku was going to beat up Beast and take his lunch money.

"So, you finally made it," Riku smirked. "'Bout time. I've been waiting for you. We've always been rivals, haven't we? You've always pushed me as I've pushed you."

"Riku, stop trying to be cool. You're not. You're turning into more of a gay-wad than I've always made you out to be."

"But... my mom says I'm cool!"

"My mom says I'm cool, too. But that's not the case, is it?" He stopped himself. "Wait, no! I'm definitely cool!"

"Well I'm cooler than you, no matter what your mom or my mom says!" He looked like he was about to beat Sora up and take his lunch money too, but then composed himself. "It all ends here. There can't be _two_ Keyblade masters."

"What the heck are you talking about you crazy fool?"

"Let the Keyblade choose... its _true_ master."

There was a pause and suddenly there was a bright flash of light. Sora tightened his grip on the Keyblade's handle, only to find that it was no longer there. "Holy creepin' crap! What the--?"

"GASP!" gasped Goofy and Donald in unison, making extremely surprised faces.

Riku chuckled, looking over the Keyblade. "Maleficent was right. You don't have what it takes to save Kairi, so it's up to me." He stuck his tongue out at Sora, who was now on his knees and looking very, very betrayed. "Only the Keyblade master can open the secret door and change the world."

"KEYBLADE!" screeched Sora in a high-pitched voice. "After all we've been through? This is how you repay me?"

The Keyblade remained silent.

"Sorry, Sora. But the Keyblade's with me now," Riku said while looking very apathetic. "You had your chance and you failed. You have to stop living in the past. Face it, Sora--you're only hurting yourself. It's what the Keyblade wants. And what the Keyblade wants, is me! Right Keyblade?"

The Keyblade remained silent.

"Keyblade..." Sora wailed quietly.

"Here, go play hero with this like you used to on the islands," Riku said then threw a shodily-made wooden sword (presumably Riku's) that hit Sora in the head and clattered to the ground. It was very unintimidating.

"Goofy, let's go," Donald said, pointing in Riku's direction. "We have to remember our mission."

"Oh, right. Gawrsh. Well, I know the King told us to foller the key and all, but..."

Donald waddled over to Sora and patted him on the back. "Sorry, Sora. No hard feelings, right?"

"Neh..." Sora sighed pathetically, not looking up.

"See you some other time."

With that, Goofy and Donald followed Riku out of the area.

"Why? Why? Why?" Sora asked the deafening silence. "First my best friends, then the Keyblade, now my new Disney friends... all gone! And it's all because of... _Riku_." He narrowed his eyes and looked over at the injured Beast, who was just laying there.

Beast grunted as he tried to move and Sora went into effeminite mode.

"Hey, don't move! You're hurt."

"Why did you come?" Beast asked quietly. "I came to fight for Belle, and though I am on my own, I will fight. I won't leave without her and that's why I'm here..."

Sora picked up the wooden sword, looking totally uninterested now that he was sure Beast could fight. "Hey, I feel for you buddy. That son of a you-know-what ruined my life by opening the door to our island. I came here to find someone very important to me, too."

"Hrmm..."

"Now let's go kick his chap-clad ass!"

"Your speech was very inspiring, Stupid Haired one," Beast said, standing up and hunching over a bit. Sora looked somewhat offended. "You may call me Beast. And your name?"

"Sora."

"As you said, let's go KICK HIS ASS!"

_Meanwhile..._

"O purest of farce! Reveal to me the Keyhole!" Maleficent said, raising her arms in the air. Belle, Jasmine, Aurora, Snow White, Alice, Cinderella, and Kairi were all in weird holding chambers in a deep sleep. The six obvious princesses' gut areas began to glow, and hit the Keyhole, making it glow.

_Un-meanwhile..._

In the Entrance Hall, Sora shook his wooden sword free of a dead Farceless, and as the body hit the floor it evaporated into the air along with the humor it held.

The Beast turned to him, picked his teeth free of a Farceless' antenna, and growled, "Be on your guard. There are more in here, I can feel it. And I can also feel... BELLE!" He turned to where Belle was standing, but she turned into a Farceless. He tore off after it, furious.

Sora ran after Beast, but a voice stopped him: "Quit while you can."

Sora looked to his left, where Riku, Donald, and Goofy were standing. It sounds so wrong if it's not 'Sora, Donald, and Goofy', you know? Darn it, Riku!

"No, not without Kairi," Sora almost yelled, a glint of hatred in his eyes.

A big blob of darkness enveloped him, and suddenly he was in a purple-and-black suit with the Farceless symbol on his chest and a towel or some kind of sheet was strapped to his waist. "The--"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! Is that supposed to intimidate me? This wooden sword's scarier than you!"

Riku looked very unamused as Sora continued to make fun of him. He sighed and looked down at himself. "Ugh. Maybe the idiot's right. But as long as I have the power to control the Farceless, I won't let that stand!" He cast a Fire spell, which hit Sora's hair.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Sora screamed like a little girl, then stopped, dropped, and rolled. His hair was singed a little bit, but other than that it was okay. Don't worry about it.

"The bad humor will destroy you."

"You're wrong, Riku," said the younger boy. "The bad humor may destroy my body but it will never touch my farce. My farce will stay with my friends--it'll never die!"

"Really..." Riku chuckled darkly, holding up a hand. "Well, we'll just see about that!" He then shot a large ball of glowing energy at Sora.

As Sora went to do a Neo dodge to avoid being zapped into next Tuesday, he found he couldn't move. "Well I guess this is it. I've had a good life." He closed his eyes and waited for the searing pain of being engulfed in Riku's poor sense of humor, but that never came. Instead, he heard a dull 'clank' and when he opened his eyes he found Goofy standing there with his shield up.

"Sora ain't gonna go nowhere!" he yelled at Riku.

"You'd betray your king?" Riku challenged.

"Not on your life!" Goofy said dramatically. "But I ain't gonna betray Sora, neither, 'cause he's become one o' my best buddies after all we've been through together! See ya later, Donald. Could ya tell the King I'm really sorry?"

"H...hold on, Goofy," Donald said, running up and joining the duo. "We'll tell him together! Well, you know... All for one and one for all."

"Gawrsh, I guess you're stuck with us, Sora," Goofy said with a big smile.

"Aww, you guys," Sora muttered. "Thanks a lot, Donald, Goofy..."

"Awwww," said the audience.

"But how will you fight without a weapon?" said the now-slightly-flustered Riku, gah-LARING at them.

"I know now that I don't need the Keyblade," Sora said confidently. "Because I've got a better weapon: My farce!"

"Your farce? What good will that weak little thing do for you?"

"Although my farce may be weak, it's not alone," said Sora, going into a long-winded speech/rant. Again. "It's grown with each new experience, and it's found a home with all the friends I've made. I've become a part of their farce just as they've become a part of mine." About here, The Star-Spangled Banner started playing in the background. "And if they think of me now and then... if they don't forget how I made them laugh... then our farce will be one. I don't need a weapon. My friends are my power!" He held up a hand triumphantly as the anthem hit its crescendo, but as he did so there was a flash of light and the Keyblade weighed his arm down. The music shorted out as he stared at it. "Oh, hey. You came back!"

"Crap! Well, at least I'm rid of your stupid friends. They were kinda holding me back."

"Riku, I'm gonna kill you so bad you'll feel it in the morning!" Sora yelled, then they charged at each other and a big epic battle took place which Sora was the victor of, because he was using the power of FRIENDSHIP to conquer the darkness. Go Sora, go!

Riku twitched and reverted back to his other gay outfit, then ran off somewhere like the pansy he is.

It was then that Beast came to the scene, chewing on a Farceless' leg. He swallowed it. "So, your farce won the battle."

Sora nodded and then they started a whole big fetch-quest to find the pieces of the emblem on the door to open it. Which was boring and tedious so let's go see what that gay loser Riku's doing!

_Meanwhile..._

"Why? It was mine," he grumbled, running down a hall.

"Know this," said the hooded man from WAAAAAY back in Destiny Islands, appearing from a portal of darkness. "The farce that is strong and true shall win the Keyblade."

Riku looked mildly offended by this remark. "Oh, so you're saying my farce is weaker than his?"

"For that instant, it was, because you were thinking of something witty to use as a taunt/insult/general mean thing to say," the man said. "However... you can become stronger. You showed no fear in stepping through the door to darkness. It held no terror for you. You didn't wet yourself like all the other people who did, that's for sure. Anyway, plunge deeper into darkness, and your farce will grow even stronger."

Riku turned to the audience. "Do _you_ understand any of this? 'Cause I don't."

The hooded man stepped into Riku's line of vision. "It's really quite simple. Open yourself to the darkness. That is all. Let your farce, your being, become darkness itself."

Riku did so and he might have become more powerful but I don't care. This isn't about him. If it was, then he would be the main character and not just the Sephiroth stock character that he, Seymour, and Seifer are.

_Some time later..._

"So, I see the path has emerged at last," said Riku in a voice that was not his own.

"Yes," Maleficent said with a sneer. "The Keyhole to the bad humor."

"Unlock it and the Farceless will overrun this world."

"What do I care? The bad humor holds no power over me. Rather, I will use its power to rule all worlds."

"Such confidence," said Riku with a 'feh'. A dark Keyblade appeared in his hand. "...Hmm. Didn't know that would happen."

"Oh! I...impossible! The princesses of farce are all here!" Maleficent gasped, then looked down at the unconcious Kairi who was laying there like a lump. "It must be her..."

"Without her farce, she will never be able to release her power."

Maleficent looked up suddenly. "The King's fools are here. I'll deal with them myself. You stay here and guard the princesses." With that she zapped off to confront them and popped up in the Castle Chapel, where indeed Sora and pals walked through the door at that moment. "I'm afraid you're too late. Any moment now, the final Keyhole will be unsealed, and this world will be plunged into bad humor. It is unstoppable and inevitable."

Sora pointed the Keyblade at her. "We'll stop it! After coming this far, there's no way we're gonna let that happen!"

The dark fairy cackled evilly. "You poor, simple fools! You actually think you can defeat me? Me, the mistress of all darkness? You, two Disney baffoons, and you, an idiotic boy!"

"I may be an idiot, but I'm not stupid!" Sora yelled and then charged at Maleficent. After a long and very annoying battle in which many meteors collided with the trio, they managed to beat the stuffing out of the witch.

"Well, I guess you proved me wrong," Maleficent grumbled bitterly, then zapped off again.

Another Ansem's Report drifted down to them from nowhere, and Sora hastilly shoved it into his pocket before he ran off to the dark portal that just kind of materialized there and stood there menacingly. After entering it, he stumbled out on the other side, where Riku and Maleficent were.

"Do you need some help?" Riku/Not Riku said.

"Riku!"

Donald stopped suddenly and gasped loudly. "Is that--"

"Yes, it is," Riku said with a smile. "A Keyblade. But unlike yours, which only locks and unlocks doors and maybe a few giant locks, _this_ Keyblade holds the power to unlock people's farce. Allow me to demonstrate." He stabbed Maleficent in the stomach. "Behold!"

"Holy moley!" Maleficent cried rather unevilly.

"Now, open your farce, surrender it to the bad humor! Become bad humor itself!" Riku pulled the Keyblade away and then disappeared. Again. Gosh.

Maleficent suddenly stopped hunching over in pain and looked delighted. "This is it...!" she said. "This power!" She spread her arms. "Bad humor! True bad humor!"

Then the camera was stood at an angle where you could see Maleficent's shadow growing large and changing, as Sora, Donald, and Goofy gaped in horror. Then Maleficent the Dragon reared up, spat bright green flames and glared down at the Three Musketeers.

"Holy hell!" Maxi oxymoron'd.

"That looks impossible to beat!" Kilik yelled.

"I'm sure if we combine our strength like we did to beat Soul Edge, we can do this!" Xianghua said, pointing her sword at Maleficent.

"Uhh, 'scuse us," Sora said.

"Huh?" the Three Musketeers asked in unison, all looking down at Sora.

"I think you're in the wrong game."

They looked around for a few minutes, then chuckled.

"So we are!" Xianghua laughed.

"Well, sorry about that," Maxi said. "We'll just be going, then."

With that they disappeared into thin air like nobody in particular tends to do.

And also with that, Maleficent decided to stomp all over the battlefield until by some freak coincidence she killed Sora. But that's not the case. No. He beat her, like he has beat every other boss and I assume he'll do it to all the other bosses, too.

OR WILL HE?

No he will. Sorry to get your hopes up.

Right then Riku decided to pop in to give his opinion. "How ironic. She was just another puppet after all."

"Say WHAAAT?" Donald asked.

"The Farceless were using Maleficent from the beginning," Riku explained. "She failed to notice the bad puns in her farce eating away at her." He stepped on the gigantic corpse as it disappeared. "A fitting end for such a fool." He chuckled and disappeared for the gazillionth time like a weeny.

For some reason they received the Fireglow gem, and they proceeded to the Grand Hall with little notice because I don't remember ever mentioning the Watergleam or the PrancyBambi gems. But whatever.

The trio ran up the steps to a platform where Kairi was laying on her back, unconscious. Goofy smacked into a barrier and passed out.

"GASP! KAIRI OMG!" Sora yelled like an insane person and ran over. He picked her up and shook her a little bit. "Kairi! Kairi! Open your eyes!"

"It's no use," said Riku.

Sora whipped around and glared at him.

"That girl has lost her farce. She cannot wake up."

"You... you're not Riku..." Sora said with narrowed eyes.

'Riku' rolled his eyes. "Was that really so hard to tell? I mean really. Do I sound like a pubescent boy to you?"

"Well, uhh, I figured your voice was just changing 's'all," Sora said sheepishly.

"The Keyhole cannot be completed so long as the last princess of farce still sleeps," 'Riku' said, floating down from the top of the door where he had been previously sitting almost casually.

Sora looked back at Kairi, looking totally confused. "The princess...? Kairi's a princess?" He turned back to Riku with a 'wtf' look. "Say WHAAAT?"

"Yes, and without her power, the Keyhole will remain incomplete," 'Riku' continued. He held up his dark Keyblade. "It is time she awakened."

"Whoever you are, let Riku go! Give him back his farce!"

"But first, you must give the princess back _her_ farce."

Sora fell to his knees as a pain started welling up inside his chest. Argh! Heart attack!

Haha got'cha.

He was really gripping his stomach in pain. "Ohh, I don't feel so good..."

"Sora!" Donald cried in concern.

"Don't you see yet? The princess' farce is responding," said 'Riku'. "It has been there all along. Kairi's farce rests within you!"

"GASP what?" Sora gasped. "Kairi's inside me?"

"I know all that there is to know." He thought about it. "Or, one would assume, anyway."

"Tell me... who are you?" Sora asked in a strained voice. I mean gosh, it must've hurt if he's still reeled over in pain!

"It is I, Ansem, seeker of bad humor," Ansem the Riku said with a smile. Donald yelled angrily and ran at him, his wizardin' staff branded. But as the duck leapt at him, Ansem started walking forward and merely batted the duck out of the way.

"ARGH!" Donald screamed as he was sent flying outside of the barrier.

"So, I shall release you now, Princess," Ansem said, addressing Kairi as if she wasn't totally out of it. "Complete the Keyhole with your power. Open the door, lead me into everlasting bad humor!"

Everything shifted into slow-motion as Ansem lifted his Keyblade and as he was about to strike Sora down.

"Sora!" came a very familiar voice.

_CLANG!_

"Forget it!" he growled. Then he swung with all his might, and pushed Ansem the Riku away. "There's no way you're taking--AW DAMN IT!" He noticed that his HP bar had been depleted in the five seconds he had been telling Ansem off. With that, he collapsed to the floor, dead.

_Some time later..._

Sora looked up and down the endless white hall. Suddenly, objects came flying up to where he was standing, and stopped suddenly. He realized that there were racks upon racks of different Keyblades on either side of him.

"Huh?" he asked with a 'wtf' look.

"Choose your weapon," said a tall black man with tiny shades and a big black overcoat. He was wearing a nice burgandy vest as well.

"Who're you, Mister?" Sora asked in wonderment.

"I am Morpheus. You are in the Matrix."

"...Say WHAAAT?" Sora gasped. "You mean... all the stuff they say, the movies... it's true?"

"Yes."

"Morpheus, what's happened to me?"

"More important than 'what' is _when_," Morpheus said. "You believe that the year is 2002, when in fact it is closer to _2199_. I can't tell you _exactly_ what year it is because we honestly don't know."

"Uhh, no, I'm pretty sure it's 2002."

Morpheus checked the Date feature of his watch. "So you are correct. But anyway. Choose your weapon."

"But... why?"

"You have lost the game, and now you are restarting exactly as you were exactly five seconds before your death. We have decided to respawn you because we felt like it. Anyway, choose your weapon before I get Cowboy Curtis on your butt."

"Yes sir!" With that, he turned to his left, picked up the Keyblade he'd gotten from Olympus Coliseum (when he went back, which is a mystery because I've never specified it exactly). Then there was a bright flash of light and he found himself kneeling in front of Kairi, holding his gut again. "Wha...?"

"Sora!" came a very familiar voice.

_CLANG!_

"Forget it!" he growled. Then he swung with all his might, and pushed Ansem the Riku away. "There's no way you're taking Kairi's farce!" Then he proceeded to beat Ansem/Riku into a bloody pulp.

Riku dropped his Keyblade and looked helpless.

"Riku!" Sora called.

"Sora look!" Donald said.

"The Keyhole!" Goofy also said, pointing at it.

Sora tried to seal it but alas, nothing happened when he pointed the Keyblade at it.

"Gawrsh, it won't work!" Goofy stated the obvious. "...The Keyhole's not finished yet."

"What can we do?" Sora asked with a confused expression.

"Maybe we've gotta go wake Kairi up, a-hyuck."

"I think you're right, but... how?" He looked hopeless and almost had a Kairi seizure like in Chapter Three. You remember that, don'tcha? No? TOO BAD. He looked to his left, where the dark Keyblade was sitting. He started thinking, then held it up. "Hmm... definitely cooler than mine."

"No, Sora! Don't do it! Don't stab yourself in the gut thus unlocking Kairi's farce but subsequently killing yourself in the process!" Donald said desperately.

Sora gave him a 'wtf' look. "What are you, crazy? I was just gonna see if it was any better than mine!" Then he went to walk down the stairs but tripped and accidentally impaled himself on the Keyblade. "Oh ow! Ow ow ow ow ow!" He started to fall slowly down the stairs, as the princesses' farce returned, including Kairi's.

Kairi opened her eyes and got up suddenly. "Ooh, my head..." she griped, then saw Sora falling ever-so-slowly to his death. "Sora!" She ran forward to try and catch him, but he disappeared before she was able to.

"Sora, come back Sora!" Donald called into the castle.

_Sora in teh Darkness argh!_

"_What... what's happening to me? I feel like I want to eat something. Mm. Like pancakes. Mmm, pancakes. No, no... not pancakes... though they sound good. I'll have to get some once I find a way to get out of this big black nothingness. Mmm, big black nothingness..._"

_Meanwhile..._

"Sora, are you really..." Kairi started, looking close to tears. She looked up determindly. "No! I won't let him go!"

"So, you have awakened at last, Princess."

Everyone turned to their left, where the hooded man was standing. He slowly lowered his hood to reveal ANSEM! And he looked like an adult Bran Davies except with tan skin and without the melodrama. "The Keyhole is now complete. You have served your purpose. But now it's over."

Donald and Goofy moved in front of Kairi, readying their respective weapons.

"Oh no you don't!" Donald said.

"Gawrsh, Donald, do you think we can beat him all by ourselves?" Goofy whispered to his feathered friend.

"...Probably not, but we'll take our chances."

Ansem stepped forward but didn't seem to be himself. "Impossible!"

A glowing image of Riku suddenly appeared, looking very pissed off. "YOU!" he yelled in a high-pitched voice, pointing at Ansem. "Ugh! When I free myself of you, I'm so going to kill you!"

"Riku!"

The image of Riku whipped around and smiled widely. "KAIRI!" he said hopefully. But then his face fell. "Wait! You've gotta run! The Farceless are coming!"

Indeed, a few Farceless sprung up out of nowhere and Kairi, Donald, and Goofy made a break for it.

"What about the Keyhole?" Goofy asked as they ran as fast as they could.

"Forget about it right now!" Donald yelled back. "Let's just get out of here!"

They entered the Entrance Hall, where Kairi stopped for some reason.

"Kairi, hurry!" Goofy told her.

"But... Sora! He might still be alive! I mean, if he is, I can't just leave him, you know?"

"We can't stay here!" Donald yelled at her. She made a face.

"Garwsh, there's a Farceless!" Goofy said, pointing at a Farceless that was sort of dancing behind Kairi.

"I'll take care of it..." Donald chuckled, then went to smack it. As his blow connected, the Farceless narrowed its eyes and shook a fist at him. "Stupid Farceless! I'm not your vile mother!"

At this the Farceless seemed to grow so offended that it whipped out a piece of paper and wrote down, "WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MOMMA?" in capitol letters.

Kairi inched towards it. "Sora? Is that you?" she asked. Goofy and Donald readied their weapons as they were surrounded by about twenty other Farceless. Kairi looked around, then crouched down and held the Farceless close. "This time... I'll protect you."

The other Farceless approached her menacingly, but suddenly they all like, exploded or something as Sora popped back into existance where Kairi's Farceless had been only moments ago. He paused for a second before giving her a hug. "Kairi... thanks a ton."

"Sora..."

Goofy and Donald looked happy to see Sora, but then they both sighed dreamily and said, "Awwww..."

But the Farceless wouldn't have that so they approached the two teens until they were dangerously close. But then Beast barreled into them and looked at Sora. "Go! Now!"

"Come with us!"

"No, I'm not leaving without Belle. I mean, geez, you wouldn't leave without her, would you?" Beast nodded toward Kairi.

"Mmm... I guess not." Sora shrugged.

"Ugh!" said Kairi, giving him a _look_.

"Uhh, I mean... Let's get out of here before the Farceless get us!" Sora said, then they all ran out to the Gummi Ship and flored it to Traverse Town.

TO BE CONTINUED!


	14. Our Farce Will Go On

"Tell me what happened," Squall said once they were in the small house where there was only one bed and they had to take turns sleeping. That's my guess, anyway.

And so Sora started his tale of adventure and such, and about ten hours later he was done weaving his thread.

"So the bad humor is flowing out of the Keyhole," Squall said thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. He stopped once he realized he was not like Cid and didn't have any hint of a beard. _I really need to stop shaving._

"No wonder there are more and more Farceless everywhere," Aeris said, looking really really worried. "The only way to stop them is--"

"To seal the Keyhole?" Sora guessed.

"Maybe," Squall answered vaguely. "But no one knows what will happen once it's sealed. But I assume that, once it's sealed, the Farceless will cease to come to our worlds and we will live in peace once more."

"Well, we can't just stay here," Sora said, putting his hands on his hips like Riku. "We have to do something. I have a friend who is a rival who is gay who wants to hold my hand back there! And uhh... I guess I need to save him."

"That's right. You have one more friend to worry about, don't you? Riku's Keyblade must've been born from the princesses' farce--just like that Keyhole you saw." He looked over at Kairi. "Of course, without Kairi's farce, it remained incomplete. Once that Keyblade was destroyed, all of the princesses' farce should've been freed. Don't worry, Sora; if anyone can save your friend, it's you." He looked up thoughtfully. _Or... me. Me! ME. Yes. Like I saved Rinoa in... wait, what happened to Rinoa, again? Oh yeah the whole world disappearing thing. I wonder where she is now...?_

_Meanwhile..._

Rinoa sighed as Yuna, Rikku, and Paine struck a Charlie's Angels-type pose, then quickly looked over at her.

"Oh, come on, Rinoa!" Rikku whined. "We let you join our club!"

"Yeah, well... Usually I'm all up for this kind of thing, but I don't think I can deal with this..." She looked down at her skimpy new clothes. "Especially since you guys dress so... You know. You don't dress at all."

"But _Rinoa_..." Rikku and Yuna wailed together. Paine sighed and rolled her eyes at the cousins, then crossed her arms. "We're YuRi_Ri_Pa now, and we gave up our whole 'three-syllable-rhythm' thing just for YOU!" Yes they said that in perfect unison, which was kind of creepy.

"Look, I was the leader of a resistance faction once, but this whole sphere hunter thing just isn't working out," Rinoa said as if she were a girlfriend breaking up with her boyfriend who she knew couldn't take it and would eventually either kill himself or stalk her because the grief at losing her drove him mad since he was about to propose to her. "And see, if I need any help... I'll call you guys." She made the little 'call me' thing with her hand, then walked off.

"Aww, maaaan!" sighed Rikku, snapping her fingers in disappointment.

_Un-meanwhile..._

_Ah well, I'm sure she's fine._

Sora had wandered off to the First District, where he just so happened to meet Cid. "Uncle Cid, I need to go back to Hollow Bastion!"

"Mmm... 'Fraid I can't let you do that, kiddo," Cid said.

"Say WHAAAT?"

"The Farceless are multiplying by the second. They'd eat your ship right up! But... there is a way. You could go around them instead of through them, with a new Gummi Block."

"But... uhh... where do I get this Gummi Block?"

"It's in the Secret Waterway. Nine years ago I stored it in there should the need to use it ever arise. Not that I thought it would, you know, but then you came along and... Well, I've been thinking. Even with all your flaws, Sora, you're some kinda wonderful. Killin' Farceless, taking names... I wish I had been like you when I was a kid."

"Uhh, no you don't," Donald said.

"Yeah, for once I agree with Donald. I'm a complete idiot. There's no way anybody would take you seriously and nobody would believe you when you killed something or someone, anyway." Sora shrugged. "Ah well!" Then he skipped off to the Secret Waterway.

_Some time later..._

After Sora had checked the sun mural at the back of the Secret Waterway and gotten the Gummi, he decided to talk to Kairi who just so happened to be in there.

"Come on, Kairi. Let's go back and join the others. We should rest up," he said.

"Okay."

And as Goofy and Donald walked on, Kairi looked at the mural. "The light at the end of the tunnel...aka DEATH."

"Oh, your grandma's story, right?" Sora guessed.

Kairi gave him a confused look. "That's right. How'd you know?"

"Oh, just a crazy Kairi-Hallucination, that's all."

"...Ah. Well, umm..."

"You know what's funny?" Sora said, trying to change the subject. "I looked everywhere for you. But you were with me the whole time... Finally, we're together, Kairi."

"Sora..."

"Kairi..."

"Sora..."

"Kairi..."

"GASP! Riku!"

"Kai--WHAT?"

"Sora, you have to go back and save Riku! He's our friend, too," she said.

"What? No! Not after all he's put me through, being dodgey and vague and joining the forces of evil and trying to kill me!" He thought about this. "In fact, he DID kill me, right before you woke up!"

"But then, how are you here now?"

"Oh, a little friend helped me..." He chuckled warmly, then stopped and looked completely indifferent. "Anyway."

"Well, if you do go back--which you're going to--do you think it'll ever be the same between us again? Riku... lost his..."

"Yeah yeah, whatever. I lost my farce too, but you saved me, remember?"

"Of course! It was only like... twenty minutes ago," Kairi said, checking her watch she didn't know she had until just now.

"Well anyway. I was lost in bad humor, which was really really dark for some reason. As I stumbled through the darkness, I was really hungry and I started forgetting things--my friends, Mom, who I was... The darkness almost swallowed me and I had the strangest urge to make a yo mama joke in an Arkansas accent. But then I heard your voice..." He smiled. "You brought me back."

"I didn't want to be like your Disney friends, Sora. I didn't want to forget about you... I...I couldn't."

Sora snapped his fingers in realization. "That's it! Our farce is connected. And the light from our farce broke through the darkness. I saw that light. I think that's what saved me, but I could be wrong. No matter how deep the darkness, a light shines within... I guess it's more than just a fairy tale."

"Well then, let's go!" Kairi said with an eager smile.

"Nnnope, you can't go."

Her face fell. "B-but... why not?"

"Because it's way too dangerous."

"Come _on_, Sora! We made it this far by sticking together. You can't go alone."

"Kairi, even if we're apart, we're not alone anymore. Right?"

"...I can't help?" Kairi asked sheepishly.

"You'd kind of be in my way."

"Pfft. What EVER."

"No seriously. You're not too coordinated."

"I... guess you're right. Okay, you win." She grabbed his hand, and when she took her hand away, Sora looked down at the star-shaped charm that also had Sora's hair-do and face. "Take this. It's my lucky charm." She put her fists on her hips. "Be sure to bring it back to me."

"Don't worry," Sora said, pocketing it. "I will."

"Promise?" she asked suspiciously, her eyes narrowed.

"Promise."

"Don't ever forget... no matter where you go, I'm always with you."

Sora got the Oathkeeper Keychain and left, going back to the First District to talk to Cid.

_Some time later..._

"Well, I installed the new Gummi," Cid said, wiping his forhead with a dirty rag. "You can leave as you see fit. But man, I wish you didn't have to go and face this danger, kid."

"Don't worry, Uncle Cid! I'll be fine," Sora reassured him, then they boarded the Gummi Ship and went on a trip in his favorite rocket ship, soaring through the sky.

_Some time later..._

"Where's Belle?" Sora asked, standing in the Rising Falls area with Beast.

"She's still inside the castle, but not against her will. I think she stayed for a reason..." He looked forlornly at the castle. "And the other princesses are inside, as well."

"I wonder why?" Donald asked nobody in particular.

"How am I supposed to know?" said nobody in particular petulantly as he stomped off and disappeared to go hang out with the Three Musketeers. I mean really. I would want to, too.

"Let's go ask them," Sora said, which was the obvious thing to do.

And so, they set off to the Library of Hollow Bastion, where quite a lot of stuff went on a while ago that I was too lazy to write about. Yeah, sorry about that.

And when they reached the Library of Hollow Bastion, Beast and Belle reunited with that one song playing in the background and flower petals falling around them and there was a generally happy mood in that library.

After all that was over, Belle turned to Sora. "You've come to seal the Keyhole, right? Please be very careful. The Dark is rising."

Sora looked angry. "Oh, oh yeah. Great time to reference that."

Belle raised an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?"

"Nothing," Sora answered evasively, crossing his arms and looking away.

"...Anyway... We've been holding the bad humor back, but we can't hold out much longer. You know. Probably if you hadn't taken the last princess of farce, we could."

"We'll take care of it!" Sora said in a very bipolar way.

_Some time later..._

"We've been waiting for you, Keyblade master," Cinderella said, looking down at Sora.

How tall is Sora, anyway? Like... 4'? He must be short if EVERYONE but Kairi, Donald, Jiminy, Mickey and Minnie Mouse, and Chip and Dale are the only ones shorter than him. Everyone else is either his height or they basically TOWER over him. I mean... he hardly comes to Squall's waist.

"Where's Ansem?" Sora asked, completely ignoring that paragraph.

"He's gone."

"And when the Keyhole appeared," Aurora said, "bad humor poured out of it in the form of purple-and-black blobs of some gelatinous substance. It was all very gross. It swallowed Ansem, and he disappeared."

"Though Ansem is gone, the flood of bad humor hasn't stopped," Cinderella said. "We're working together to hold it back."

"I cannot forget the look on his face," Aurora said with a slight worried look. "As the bad humor engulfed him, he was smiling. And then he said 'yo mama' and that was it. He disappeared into the bad humor."

Then he talked to Jasmine, Alice, and Snow White.

"Sora, please hurry," Jasmine said, obviously having forgiven Sora for letting her be kidnapped before. "Bad humor is pouring from the Keyhole."

"It's all we can do just to hold back the immaturity," Alice said.

"I don't know how long we can even manage that," said Snow White.

"Heeeey, wait a minute... How come YOU'RE a princess?" Sora asked Alice.

"Because it would've been harder for Ariel to stand here telling you how much bad humor is spilling out of the Keyhole," Alice explained.

"Yeah, you and everyone else has been telling me that for the past hour," Sora grumbled. Then he seemed to brighten up considerably. "All right! May as well get this done with."

"We're counting on you, Keyblade master," Snow White said dramatically. "In the meantime, we'll see what we can do."

Then Sora, Donald, and Goofy ran off to the Dark Depths.

"Sure is dark in these depths," Sora commented. "It could use some light." He cast a Fire spell, but it went out almost immediately because it seemed something was obstructing its path. "Oh, I must be pointing it at a wall or something."

Then the Behemoth parodied Jurassic Park and its eye opened. It was big and yellow and bloodshot.

"Oh. I guess not."

Then they engaged in mortal combat and when that was over with, they saw a big Keyhole.

"Gawrsh, now let's go an' seal that big Keyhole!" Goofy stated.

_Fade out..._

"Sora, you did it," said Squall.

They were all standing in the Grand Hall area.

"Waaaaaaaiiiit," Sora said, his eyes narrowed in suspicion. "What are you guys doin' here?"

"We came in Cid's ship," Yuffie said.

"That's not telling me why you guys are here."

"This is our childhood home," Aeris gave him a straight answer. "We wanted to see it again."

"It's in worse shape than I thought it would be," Squall commented as a piece of pipe fell in the background. "It used to be so peaceful..."

"Don't worry," Aeris said reassuringly. "If we--meaning you, Sora--defeat Ansem, then everything should be restored, including your island, Sora."

"Really?" asked Sora hopefully.

Aeris shrugged. "Maybe."

"But, it also means good-bye," Yuffie said forlornly and they swore they could hear a certain Final Fantasy XII theme song playing in the distance.

"Once the worlds are restored, they will also be seperate again," Aeris continued.

"Everyone and everything will go back to where they came from."

"Well then, I'll just visit you guys in the Gummi Ship," said Sora like a relative in denial.

"It's... not that simple," said Squall like a dad who was about to explain to their kid that their dog wasn't going to come back after running into heavy traffic.

"Before any of this happened--before the Farceless came--you didn't know about the other worlds, right?" Yuffie said while looking very depressed.

"Because all the worlds were isolated," Aeris said. "Impassable walls divided them. They looked kinda like big dark evil bubbles."

"The Farceless destroyed those walls. But... if the world returns... so do the walls."

"Which means a Gummi Ship will merely bounce back from the world or maybe be destroyed in the atmosphere," Squall finished for them.

Sora looked up all teary-eyed. "So that means we'll never..."

Squall grew solemn. Well, more solemn than he usually was. "We may never meet again, but we'll never forget each other."

"No matter where we are, our farce will always bring us together again," Aeris said.

"Besides, I couldn't forget you even if I wanted to!" Yuffie lied.

"Tch. What's _that_ supposed to mean?" Sora said with his hands on his hips.

"Sora!" came Donald's voice.

"Come and seal the Keyhole!" came Goofy's voice as well.

"Sora, good luck," Squall said.

You know, he really should've taken care of sealing the Keyhole before having a page-long conversation with his Hollow Bastion buddies. But I guess Sora's too good for that.

He went back to the Dark Depths, and with that one flashy move he uses to seal the Keyholes, sealed this Keyhole, too.

_Some time later..._

"Thank you, Sora," Alice thanked him. "I think the bad humor has begun to weaken."

"But I can feel a powerfully bad sense of humor growing from far away," Jasmine said. "It might just be a fangirl trying to write a humor story but neh. Whatever."

"Noooooo," Aurora said. "It's a bad sense of humor, all right, but it's growing in the bad humor itself. It's Ansem."

"Then we'll take the Gummi Ship and deal with both Ansem AND the Farceless," Sora said determinedly.

"A worthy answer, Keyblade master," Cinderella said even though it wasn't.

"Sora, your courage can bring back our worlds," Snow White said encouragingly.

Aurora nodded. "Once the bad humor is gone, all should return to its original state."

Sora's eyes widened and he smiled. "Kairi will be back on the island?"

"Most certainly," Cinderella nodded. "And so should you."

Sora was about to give a loud and cheerful "YIPPEE!" but then he remembered that Kairi wanted him to save Riku. "Oh yeah. I can't go home 'til I find Riku and the King." He sighed disappointedly, but then skipped off to the Gummi Ship.

"That kid's a goner," Snow White said, shaking her head.

"Oh, at least have a _little_ faith in him," Cinderella said with her hands on her hips. "You've been such a pesimist since you ate that poison apple."

_Meanwhile, with Sora and Mystery Inc..._

They stepped onto the biggest piece of land in this new, depressing world. Left was right and up was down, it seemed, or at least that's the effect it gave you because the purple bad humor really did make you feel sick.

"Gawrsh... is this all that's left of the worlds taken by the Farceless?" Goofy asked.

"Probably," Donald said. "It's really disorienting, though."

"Those worlds will be restored once we beat Ansem, right?" Sora asked.

"Probably," Donald said again.

"But, uhh, if we do beat him and the worlds become restored and disconnected, then... what'll happen to this world?" As an afterthought, he added, "And to us?"

"Well, uhh... it's all very complicated..." Donald tried.

"This is a Farceless world, so maybe it'll just disappear," said Goofy, always looking on the bright side of things.

"Huh?" asked Sora and Donald in unison.

"Gawrsh, no worries, guys," Goofy continued reassuringly. "Even if this place goes poof, our farce ain't goin' nowhere. I'm sure we'll find our pals again. Yup, I just know we will."

"That was a double-negative," Sora pointed out. "So technically our farce _will_ go _somewhere_."

"Stop being a smarty-pants, Sora," Donald grumbled.

Sora was silent for a minute before taking the charm Kairi gave him out of his pocket. He stared at it. "I'll return this. I promise."

_End of the World_

As they walked into the next area, Goofy asked, "I wonder where that Ansem feller went?" He scratched his head under his hat.

"Dive into the most dangerous place and we'll find him!" Donald said.

"Have you lost all common sense?" Sora nearly screamed at the duck. Then he paused. "Well then... that really hasn't stopped us from doing _other_ life-threatening things." Then he had a flashback of all the times he was nearly killed.

But it would be tedious and kind of pointless to reference every time that happened, because, unlike all the times he's screwed up, the times he's been near-death aren't nearly as memorable. Unless you're a person who likes to remember that stuff and thinks it's FUNNY. Do you? That's okay. I do too, sometimes.

And since this next part is kind of boring and there's no text...

_FAST FORWARD!_

thentheyreachedanareawheretheyfoughtabunchofFarcelessfromthedifferentworldsandtheyfoughtChernabogandcheeredbecausetheybeatitandthenafterthattheyreachedtheFinalRestarea.

_PLAY!_

Sora stopped suddenly. "Huh?" he asked himself.

"What?" asked Donald. "What's wrong?"

"Don't you hear it?" He stopped and listened for a minute. "...There!"

"_Careful. This is the last haven you will find here. Beyond, there is no light to protect you. But don't be afraid. Your farce is the mightiest weapon of all. Remember, you are the one who will open the door to light._"

"BOB?" Sora asked with a 'wtf' look.

"I don't hear anything," Donald replied flatly.

"Well... maybe it was just my imagination."

"Maybe you need to take a rest," Donald suggested.

And after he did that, he opened the door. And what did he see there? Why, it was shocking! You'll never believe it! Unless you've beaten Kingdom Hearts. But let's say you didn't! The answer will KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF!

"Is this... is this my island?" Sora asked in a hushed voice.

Well, it looked just like his island. There was the white sand, and the crystal-clear water, and that waterfall by the Secret Place, and the little island with the bent tree that Riku was always on, and that big wooden platform where Tidus always was, and the docks.

"This is anticlimactic," said Sora with a 'wtf' look.

Then he walked over to the Secret Place and heard another familiar voice:

"This world has been connected."

A few objects nearby began to disappear.

"What was that?" Goofy asked.

"Tied to the darkness...soon to be completely eclipsed," the voice continued.

Sora scratched his chin as other things began to disappear nearby. "Hmm... this seems soooo familiar."

"One who knows nothing can understand nothing."

"But where have I heard this voice before?"

Complete and utter chaos seemed to break out in the ocean because at that moment it turned bright purple.

"You understand so little. A meaningless effort. One who knows nothing can understand nothing."

And the island completely changed.

Riku in his spandex suit was standing on a chunk of land overlooking the purple ocean. As Sora came closer, though, Ansem started speaking: "Take a look at this tiny place. To the farce seeking freedom this island is a prison surrounded by water. And so, this boy sought to escape from this prison. He sought a way to cross over to other worlds. And he opened his farce to the bad humor."

Riku turned to Ansem, who was kind of just standing to the side. Which means, yes, Riku turned to his left.

"Riku!" Sora cried.

"Don't bother," Ansem chuckled. "Your voice can no longer reach him. Not where he is. His farce belongs again to bad humor. All worlds begin in bad humor and all so end. The farce is no different. Bad humor sprouts within it, consumes it. Such is its nature. In the end, the farce returns to the bad humor from whence it came." He added thoughtfully, "I believe this was all in some report some time ago..." Then he smirked. "You see, bad humor is the farce's true essence."

"That's not true!" Sora snapped and he looked ready and rarin' to kill Ansem to death. "The farce may be weak, and sometimes it may even give in, but I've learned that deep down, there's a speck of good humor that never dies!"

For the sake of actually following the script, Ansem was suddenly behind them, floating in mid-air. "So, you have come this far and still you understand nothing. Every good joke must be unfunny, every farce must return to bad humor!"

Then they fought to the death, but apparently Ansem wasn't really dead and was just hiding in a tree. So then they went over to the tree where Ansem made it explode and he popped out, but alas Goofy and Donald were pushed behind another barrier so Sora had to fight alone. Except, now he was in some weird different place.

As he was kinda just standing there, looking around, a large shadowy pool of bad humor formed nearby. And out of it rose the giant Farceless from the very first chapter.

The giant Farceless looked down at him, then its eyes narrowed and it pointed at Sora.

"Oh..." Sora said meekly.

"MORTAL KOMBAT!" screamed a raspy voice from nowhere as the Mortal Kombat theme started up. And if you've heard it, you know it's DANCEABLE.

So danceable in fact, that the Farceless got so distracted by the music that it didn't notice Sora beating it. Whoops!

Then Ansem appeared and the music shorted out. And of course Sora fought him and beat him. Duh. You should have learned by now.

And after that, the ended up in some big dark emptiness.

"Wha...?" Sora asked distractedly.

"BEHOLD the endless abyss!" Ansem said. "Within lies the farce of all worlds: Kingdom Farce!"

Indeed, there was a large white door that looked like it belonged to some church.

"Look as hard as you are able," Ansem laughed. "You'll not find a glimmer of good humor. From those dark depths, all farce is born. Even yours." Then Ansem came into view, and he'd underwent a Seymour-ish transformation that was known as WORLD OF CHAOS. "BAD HUMOR conquers all worlds!"

With a flick of his wrist, he summoned a dark portal that sucked Donald and Goofy in like a Dirt Devil vacuum and then Sora fell in slow-motion again.

"_Giving up already? Come on, Sora. I thought you were tougher than that_," said Riku's voice from nowhere.

Well, this next part is also kind of boring.

_FAST FORWARD!_

SoraflewupandfoughtWorldofChaosandthenAnsemfrozehimselfwithaFarcelesscrestandSoratriedtobeathimupagainbuthewasimmunenowsincehewasfrozenandallthenSorasawaportalandwentthroughitandfoughttheRoomCoreandofcoursehewonsothenhecontinuedonwardandfoughttheArtilleriesandwonthatonetooofcourseandthenhesawanotherportalandwentthroughthattooandthenhemetupwithGoofyandtheydestroyedthesecondRoomCoreandtheyfoughttheFaceandsawyetanotherportalandyestheywentthroughitandfoundDonaldanddestroyedthethirdRoomCoreandtheygotawayandfoughttheMainCoreandAnsementeredthesceneagain.

_PLAY!_

"It is futile," Ansem said. "The Keyblade alone cannot seal the door to darkness." He turned to Kingdom Farce and pointed at it. "Kingdom FARCE! Fill me with the power of BAD HUMOR..."

The doors started to open...

"Supreme idiocy," sneered Ansem.

Sora pointed the Keyblade at Ansem. "You're wrong," he said. "I know now... without a doubt... Kingdom Farce... IS GOOD HUMOR!"

Light spilled out of the doors, enveloping Ansem. He screamed and writhed a little bit. "LIGHTS! But WHY?" He started to disappear. "I'm _meeeeeeellltiiiiiing_!" With that, he was gone. FOREVAH! _OR IS HE?_

Sora ran up to the paritally-opened door. "Come on!" he yelled over his shoulder, and he and Donald and Goofy began to push it closed.

Something caught Goofy's eye and he looked past the door a little bit. Then he let out a loud gasp and couldn't avert his gaze.

"Stop staring and keep pushing!" Donald snapped at him. But he caught sight of whatever it was Goofy was looking at, too, and couldn't help but say,

"FARCELESS?" in unison with Goofy.

They started pushing frantically again.

"Hurry!"

"I... can't..." Sora said in a very strained voice as he pushed with all his might.

"Don't give up!" cried Riku from the other side of the door.

"Riku!" Sora gasped. Then he gained a 'wtf' look. "Wait, where'd you come from?"

"It doesn't matter!" Riku snapped. "Together, we can do it!" He began pulling the door closed.

They kept trying to close the door but alas it was to no avail.

"It's hopeless," Donald said.

Some Farceless that were approaching the door were suddenly obliterated instantly. And there was Mickey Mouse.

"Your Majesty!" Goofy and Donald said as if it wasn't obvious that Mickey was the King the whole time. I think I said so in the first chapter. It was obvious anyway.

"Now Sora!" Mickey called, holding up yet another Keyblade. "Let's close this door for good!"

"Close it, quick!" Donald yelled almost in Sora's ear.

Sora looked from Donald to Mickey a few times. "But..."

"Don't worry," Mickey said reassuringly. "There will always be a door to the good humor."

"Gawrsh Sora, you can trust the King," Goofy told Sora.

"Now!" cried Riku. "They're coming!"

"Donald... Goofy..." said the King like a man without regrets. "Thank you."

And as the door closed, Riku said: "Take--"

"I'm not taking your hand, you gay-wad, sheesh," Sora grumbled.

Riku glared at him just as the door closed at last.

"CLOSE!" said the Door.

And then, Sora and King Mickey used their Keyblades to seal Kingdom Farce. Once it sealed, the door disappeared.

Sora turned to his left, where Kairi was standing. "Kairi!" he called, running towards her.

"Sora!" she called back. The ground shook and she stumbled forward, but Sora caught her hand.

"Kairi! Remember what you said before?" Sora said, really getting into it. "I'm always with you, too. I'll come back to you. I promise!" But he didn't stop there. "Listen, Kairi. You're gonna get outta here. You're gonna go on. And you're gonna make lots of--"

"What?" Kairi asked, confused.

"Uhh, nothing! I'll come back to you, I promise!"

"I know you will!"

And with that, they could hold on together no longer, and Kairi's little spit of land began to move. She turned around, where everything began popping back up and golden sparkles accented their spawning. The sparkles rained down, and she looked back to where Sora was still calling, and then he disappeared.

"Aww..." she said disappointedly. She looked back up at the shining horizon, and suddenly stars shot up, placing themselves back in their rightful places in the sky. 'Twas all very pretty.

Then she decided to go back to the Secret Place, and she looked at the drawings, then the door. And she spotted the drawing Sora had made and had a little Sora-Hallucination. Then she picked up a rock and started drawing as well.

And now when people came into the Secret Place, they saw a picture that was badly drawn of a guy giving a star-shaped object to a girl, who was handing him another star-shaped object.

_I told you not to do that_

_You have no common sense_

_You shot yourself in the foot_

_Even though you had no gun _

_You're the biggest idiot I've ever known in my life_

_You are so stupid_

_For my birthday you got me that one thing_

_You wanted for Christmas_

_So I had to give it to you_

_You would jump into a pit of leeches_

_And then say that it tickled_

_You would go and rap with my grandma_

_Sometimes I think "was it such a good idea to_

_Become your sorry girlfriend?"_

_I told you not to do that_

_But do you listen to me?_

_I told you not to do that_

_Like when you poked that skunk_

_You're the biggest idiot anybody's ever known_

_You are so stupid_

_(So stupid and dumb)_

_You made a sign saying that you would eat_

_(Go read the sequel)_

_Five nickels for five pennies_

_(It's not about food)_

_And even return change_

_I think you may be rubbing off on me_

_Because I haven't really learned_

_Since you wouldn't listen to me the first time_

_So what makes me think that you'll listen now?_

_Am I really that dumb?_

_How stupid can you get?_

_I mean seriously you're dumb_

_You set a record for idiocy_

_Riku's smarter and look where he went_

_No offense but you're an idiot and I generally_

_Dislike dumb people_

_Shut up_

_You've been talking about lima beans_

_For the last twenty minutes_

_Last week you were saying that you hated them_

_Now you've changed your mind_

_And when you're seemingly smart_

_You tend to prove me wrong_

_You say something intelligent_

_And then go right back to being..._

_You're the biggest idiot anybody's ever known_

_You are so stupid_

_Shut up_

_You've been talking about lima beans_

_For the last twenty minutes_

_Last week you were saying that you hated them_

_Now you've changed your mind_

_Shut up_

_You've been talking about lima beans_

_For the last twenty minutes_

_Last week you were saying that you hated them_

_Now you've changed your mind_

"Well, what do we do now?" Donald asked as he, Sora, and Goofy walked down a peaceful country lane.

"We've gotta find Riku and the King," Sora said. "...Obviously."

"But, uhh, where do we start lookin' fer that door to good humor?" Goofy asked, then they stopped and just had to ponder this.

Luckily, the plot convenience known as Pluto happened to be there as well, and he just so happened to have a letter with the King's seal in his mouth.

"Pluto?" they all asked.

"Hey, Pluto!" Goofy said in greeting. "Where have you been?"

"Hey!" Donald said, pointing at the letter in Pluto's mouth that was obvious and it was kind of hard to miss.

"Gawrsh! The King's seal!"

"Have you seen the King?" Sora asked Pluto.

The dog ran off, then looked back as if saying, "Come on, stupid!"

"Come on, guys!" Sora said, then they ran off down the road.

_Fade out..._

_THE END_

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_Well! That certainly was a long five months. I hope you enjoyed the story. _

_By Wolf McCloud-123 (don't forget it!)_

_Ending Theme: 'Idiot' written by yours truly (Wolf) to the tune of 'Hikari'. None of that 'Simple and Clean' nonsense when there are more diverse stanzas to be parodied. Hikari and Simple and Clean are both copyright to Utada Hikaru. And maybe Toshiba EMI. It depends on which one we're talking about._

_Sorry to all Riku fans. I kinda like his new look in KH2 and he's not such a gay-wad, but seriously. He kind of overdid it in the first game. You can't deny that. Well, you can. But it would be kinda stupid because Riku's STILL got questionable sexuality._

_Look for Kingdom Farce II sometime in mid-to-late-2007._

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A/N: Well, it's finally over. Kingdom Farce is complete. I hope you all liked it, despite the stupid jokes and all the Riku bashing.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or alerted this story! I also thank the people who even glanced at it, as it's not that popular (because you guys are so unaccustomed to good things, I think). So yeah. Thank you.

All characters are copyright 2002 SquareEnix. I should've totally put that in the first chapter but it's too late now. The farce plotline is copyright 2006 to Wolf McCloud-123. Or so one would assume.

Watch for sequels! They will expand on the plot.

Yes I am doing a KH2 parody. I can't just end it and not do anything else, can I? I would feel... stupid. And like I was robbing you guys of another good parody.

So like, Wolf... OUT! (walks off-stage like Ryan Seacrest)


	15. Bonus Feature 3: Preview of KF: KKoM

I went all Christopher Paolini and decided to share a sneak peek with you of what is to be expected of Knick-Knack of Memories. This is about half-to-two-thirds of the first chapter.

_**Kingdom Farce: Knick-Knack of Memories**_

_Preview_

Sora was taking a walk through an endless field one night, enjoying the fresh air and such, when suddenly he felt a presence.

"Hmm... It feels like someone... WANTS TO SELL ME SOMETHING!" He turned on a dime, but nobody was there.

"Behind'ja," said a dark figure behind him. Sora turned around embarrassedly. "Anyway, no. I do not want to sell you anything." He was silent for a moment. "Ahead lies something you hold dear--but to claim it, you must lose something first." Then he waved his hands mysteriously and he was gone.

_**Kingdom Farce: Knick-Knack of Memories**_

_Some time later..._

"Hmm, looks like nobody's home," Donald said as they walked into the foyer of the ginormous and topsy-turvy castle at the Edge of the Universe. (Or at least, that's what it looked like.)

"Gawrsh, are you sure we should just barge in like this?" Goofy asked, scratching his head under his hat. "'S'kinda rude... A-hyuck."

"We have to if we want to find the King!" Donald said, looking a little frustrated. Or something.

"The King?" Goofy gasped. "The King's HERE?"

"Who knows?" Donald shrugged flamboyantly. "There was just this feeling, in the pit of my stomach, that he'd be here. And you know what that means! I'm either hungry or it's a gut feeling."

"Gawrsh! So was I!" Goofy said, looking extremely surprised.

"Wow, me too," Sora chuckled. "One look at this castle, and it's like I had some kind of foresight. I just knew, 'They're here!'"

"Great minds think alike, I guess," said Goofy. "A-hyuck."

"Guess again, Goofy!" Jiminy said, hopping out of Sora's hair. "This cannot be a mere coincidence."

"Why, Jiminy?" Donald asked as he, Sora, and Goofy crouched down to hear the cricket's speech. His water-fowl face fell. If it can... "Wait, don't tell me that you--"

"That's right," Jiminy said, nodding. He took off his hat and put on a Sherlock Holmes-ish one. "I felt it, too."

"Gawrsh, maybe it's contagious."

"Could be..." Sora said thoughtfully, rubbing his chin.

Donald slapped them ala Moe from the Three Stooges. "Or maybe something fishy's up! I think we should check it out."

"Owww..." groaned Sora, rubbing his face. "That hurt, Donald!" He sniffled and started to walk away.

"Hey, where do you think you're going?" Donald asked, jumping up.

Sora gave him a _look_. "I'm going to check it out, like you said! Gosh. Sometimes I think you're a moron, Donald." He smiled and crossed his arms. "What, are you _scared_?"

"N...not on your life," Donald said. "Come on, Goofy."

"Okay, but I think we should be good guests and close the door behind us," he said. "A-hyuck."

Suddenly, in faded that dark figure from before.

Sora gasped and pointed. "GASP! It's that guy who wanted to sell me something!"

"He must be a Farceless if he's that persistant," Donald said, then pulled out his wizardin' staff. "Let's just see how he handles my MAGIC! THUNDER!"

Nothing happened.

"That's weird. THUNDER!" He paused. "Uhh, THUNDER! ...LIGHTNING? FIRE! Blizzard... Aw, shoot. This thing must be out of batteries."

"No, magic requires no batteries," the figure said. He turned his head to Sora. "And no, I don't want to sell you anything. Anyway." He cleared his throat. "The moment you set foot in this castle, you forgot every spell and ability you knew... Including whistling and snapping your fingers."

"NOOOOOOOO!" Sora yelled, collapsing to his knees.

"Though, the forgetting does not end there," the man continued, ignoring Sora completely. He waved an arm to the scenary. "In this place, to find is to lose and to lose is to find. That is the way of things in Castle Oblivion."

Sora looked up from his fit. "Castle Oblivion?"

"Yes," replied the figure. "It's a nice name, isn't it? I picked it out."

"Oh... umm... Good job."

"Thanks. Anyway, here you will meet people you know. People you miss."

"People we miss... People we miss..." Sora said, thinking like Winnie the Pooh. "Umm, I'm sorry, but I don't think... OH you mean Riku."

"...Maybe."

"So he's here?"

"Do you want to find him? If you do..." He walked forward, passing through Sora as if he were not solid matter.

"Argh!" Sora argh'd, stumbling backward. He turned to look at the man, with a major 'wtf' look. "What did you just do?"

"I sampled your memories," said the man. With a flick of his wrist he produced a card that had three points up top. "And with them, I made this. This is the key to reuniting with those you hold dear." He threw the card like Yu-Gi-Oh! and Sora caught it.

"What is this?" Sora asked, looking it over. "A card? ...It has a pretty picture..."

"It is a promise," the man said. "Use that card and press on. You will find your friend. Hold that card before you. The door will open, and beyond it... a new world."

"Umm, huh?"

"Go, Sora," said the man, pointing to a door behind the trio. "To lose and claim anew, or to claim anew only to lose..." He faded away.

"Umm... WOW," said Sora. "Well, let's go, I guess..."

He opened the door, and in a flash of light they found themselves in a dimly-lit, cozy-looking town.

"Wait a minute," Sora said with a 'wtf' look. "This can't be right... We're in Traverse Town?"

"It isn't reality that you see."

Sora whipped around, only to see the dark figure again.

"Whatever you're selling, I don't want any!"

"This town is an illusion conceived by your memories," said the man, "ingrained in that card."

"Did you just ignore me?" Sora asked incredulously.

"And if I did? What will you do about it?"

"I... I won't buy anything."

"I'm not selling anything."

"Whatever. Anyway... My memories?"

"Forget about that, Sora!" said Jiminy by his ear. "We're two heads short!"

Sora looked around, only to notice that Donald and Goofy were nowhere to be seen. "GASP!" he gasped. "Donald? Goofy? What did you do with them? Is it because I won't buy your traveling salesman products?"

The man sighed. "They are at the mercy of the cards now. Master the cards, and their strength will be yours again." He got into a fighting stance. "Get ready for a tutorial."

"Oh, pooh."

"The laws of this castle require that your friends be transformed into cards. Don't blame me, it was all that idiot Number II's idea. If you value your friends, you will pick them up without fail."

A card fell from the sky. On it was Donald's face. Sora picked it up.

"Cards you pick up are added to the top of the deck," the man continued. "Use them, and your friends will come to your aid."

"This is all vaguely Yu-Gi-Oh!-ish," Sora said, giving the man a confused look.

"Yeah, we thought so too, but the superior wouldn't have it," the man said, shrugging. "Ah well. You can't always get what you want. Unless it's _by force_." He hunched over sinisterly and went to laugh maniacally but composed himself at the last second.

"You're flamboyant, Mister."

"Yeah, I know." He cleared his throat. "The cards you use vanish, but they will reappear to aid you time and again. Cards are the farce of your friends." He spread his arms again. "Everything in this castle is ruled by cards. Whether an enemy or a door stands in your way, cards are the only way to proceed. But, you mustn't forget your own strength." He looked back at Sora. "First think for yourself. Move, then use the cards."

Sora hit him three times.

"Ow! God damn it, what was that for?"

"Umm, well, I thought that was some kind of prompt..."

"No! You fool child! I'll obliterate you off the face of the--ANYWAY!" He composed himself again, taking deep breaths. "Every move you make causes a card to disappear. If you use up all your cards, you will be unable to act. But... there is a solution. Keep using cards until you run out and I will show you." But before Sora could beat him up again, the man walked up to the boy and snatched his cards away, then threw them on the ground. "Twenty-two pick-up, bitch."

"You're horrible. I hate you. I'll never even _consider_ buying anything _you're_ soliciting." But he picked them up anyway, because if he just stood there pouting nothing would get done.

"The strength of your farce brought back the lost cards," the man explained though he knew it was not true. "You can recall spent cards any time you wish. But each time you do, the cards will take longer to reappear."

"What are you talking about? You--"

"The cards are by no means unlimited," the man went on. "Use them wisely. Anticipate the flow of the battle and choose correctly. You may use any card in the deck at any time. Not like that weird unpronounceable game what with the 'you can only pick as many cards as you have moves' rule. Gosh." He shook his head. "But I digress. The four types of cards you use in battle are grouped into two wider categories. The first category includes attack, magic, and item cards. The second category consists of entirely enemy cards. Cards will empower you whether you are attacking or defending." He pointed to Sora again. "But it is up to you to decide when it is time to attack and time to defend. Do not forget it."

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And, that's all the extras I have. See you next time, everybody!


End file.
